LET’S HOPE THE WHEAT GRASS WORKS
The Howard Stern Show for January 5, 2009

The first show of the new year started with Howard announcing that Artie was absent yet again: "Here's 'The Artie Saga' as best I know...I was contacted by some guy who wanted me to come do some intervention." Howard passed on the opportunity and was later informed that Artie had checked in to an "intensive rehab" (after a small intervention which, according to Gary, consisted of just Artie's sister Stacey and Colin Quinn). After hearing the news, Howard sent word that Artie should take as long as he needed to get better.

Howard continued, saying he got a message from Artie over the weekend in which he claimed to have been sober for 12 days and was undergoing daily therapy. Artie also said he'd lost 20lbs thanks to a new diet (and wheat grass enemas) and "felt the best I ever had in my life." But when Howard told Gary about the message, Gary reported, "It’s all bullshit! He's on a boat in Miami with Ross [Zapin]." Gary explained that Artie was really at a fat camp: "I wouldn't call it a rehab, it's more of a detox."

Howard laughed at the prospect of Artie taking a break from his fake rehab to spend a weekend partying with Ross in Miami. Gary came in to say that Artie had repeatedly moved up his return date - from the 17th to the 13th to the 7th - and after the final date change, Gary received a mass email from Caroline's promoting Artie's newly booked stand at Caroline's (starting this Thursday). Fred shook his head: "It's all bullshit. Artie does things half-assed."

Later, Ross came in to say he was never with Artie on a boat, but they did nearly meet up in Miami: "I swear to you...we tried to hook up, but the timeframe didn't work out 'cause he only had afternoons off." Robin laughed that an intensive rehab facility wouldn't allow their clients to leave every afternoon: "It's a spa."

Howard said he went to Mexico for a week over the break and (as in the past) never left the resort - he spent most of the time reading Artie's book, "and it's a really, really good book...but man, he really needs help." Howard laughed that he needed the time away after his parent's stay at his NY home - keeping his parents entertained (including yet another futile attempt to teach his father how to use a Tivo) exhausted him.

Robin noted that she was "locked up" in a desert retreat over the break. Howard asked if she had any colonics there, and Robin said the place she was at specialized in them, laughing that they would repeatedly set up a mirror so she could see if she passed a "good fill" (sizable/satisfactory amount). Robin added that some other celebrities were there, but she refused to say who: "I could say that there's been talk of one of these people - no, I can't." Howard asked for some more colonic therapy details, so Robin told the crew that she drank some castor oil to help things along "and everything came out."

Howard played some clips of Dick Clark co-hosting the final hour of "New Year's Rocking Eve," and Dick's stroke-affected speech cracked everyone up, especially his slurred attempt at "holy mackerel." Robin laughed that the network should take the bulk of the show's hosting duties away from Ryan Seacrest and give them back to Dick. Howard thought they should go farther and let Dick do the ball drop himself: "Why don't they just drop Dick from the sky?"

Howard played a clip of Wendy the Retard calling into the Superfan Roundtable while drunk and vomiting: "I just threw up three Bloody Marys...I got puke on my mommy's floor." Howard was disturbed: "Everything's wrong [with her]." Robin wondered if some sadists got Wendy drunk just for the entertainment value, but Howard didn't want to think about it.

Howard asked Sal how his vacation went, and Sal was non-plussed: "It was alright." The gang wondered if Sal's kids liked the cologne his wife had bought them, so Sal confessed that while he never saw his children open that particular gift but did see them with the bottles later. Howard continued to speculate that the cologne was originally meant for Christine's emotional friend until Sal found it, and Sal admitted that the whole episode could be Christine's elaborate attempt to cover up her mistake.

The absent Artie called in to defend himself late in the show: "First of all, I went through eight days of the biggest hell of my life...I'm calling it rehab because it's a place where people go to get off drugs." Artie explained that he'd relapsed before the break and had been dishonest: "You wouldn't lie about that?" Howard questioned the legitimacy of Artie's rehab, so Artie admitted, "It's not a lockdown...I'm in a hotel right now. It's a nice hotel in Miami...I'm still doing treatments at the place...I commute back and forth."

Artie confessed that he'd endured three wheat grass colonics so far and had some bloodwork done: "I feel like a new person...I've been clean for two weeks, and when I come back to the show, I will totally submit [to a drug test]...I will submit to random drug tests. Just let me know when they're gonna be." Howard said a drug test won't be necessary: "You never even have to lie to me...I'll encourage you to get help anytime."

The percentage of home-schooled children is on the rise.

Have you been exposed to third-hand smoke?

A couple has given birth to twins who appear to be of different skin colors.

Everyone's drunk driving these days.

A Connecticut man bought a $10 million lottery ticket on the day he died.

Al Franken won his Minnesota senate race...at least he has as of today.

Israel and Hezbollah are at it again.

Bill Richardson has declined his appointment to be Secretary of Commerce.

Tyra Banks has a new show.

"Marley & Me" is number one at the box office.

Sharon Osbourne raged on a "Charm School" contestant.