THE DICEMAN AND HIS NEW WOMAN
The Howard Stern Show for March 11, 2010

Howard noted that yesterday's Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant had crashed HowardStern.com: "We got more traffic than we've ever gotten." Howard got his Webmaster, Doug, on line to explain the server crash: "One of the main machines that runs the thing--it fried with the traffic."

Howard said the traffic must've been insane, as the site already runs off of 20-odd servers: "We usually have a few million people every day going through that site." Instead of being angry, Howard felt accomplished: "When you crash a website, it's the greatest thing ever." Yucko the Clown called in with his own theory, Jason Kaplan crashed the site with crumbs from all the cupcakes he ate yesterday.

JD came in to say he was flying to LA later today for his $5,000 dream date with Ashley Dupre--even though he hasn't talked to her in a week: "When I call her, it goes directly to voicemail." As soon as he walked in though, Howard and Robin immediately started goofing on JD’s new haircut, claiming he looked like Lewis in “The Revenge of the Nerds.” Howard did say he hoped JD got lucky this weekend, but JD tried to set his sights lower: "Listen, I'm usually pessimistic about things. I'm trying to be a little optimistic." JD said they planned to have dinner at Nobu and then ride around in a limo: "We're not totally sure about after that."

JD said he'd enlisted one of his celebrity pals to help his cause: "You know, Ryan Phillippe called me...he just told me about what's going on around town." Howard thought JD had made a mistake: "You don't want him anywhere near a girl you're trying to date." JD shrugged: "He just told me about a couple places." Howard hoped JD wasn't planning on going to a loud club--JD didn't think it mattered: "Listen, I'm not good in a no-sound club."

Howard asked if JD planned to bring Ashley to his hotel room, but JD refused to answer: "Listen, the whole--I wish I could go into certain things but I--I can't. It's a whole thing with her and whatnot. She doesn't want things out there." Howard was confused: "Are you taking her to a hotel but you can't tell us?" JD denied it, but later said he'd booked a nice room just in case: "It's a major hotel...it's a nice--yes. If there's one thing I learned with traveling with Artie, it's where to stay."

Howard wondered what had to happen on the date in order for JD to consider it an "unbelievable success," so JD leveled with him: "An unbelievable success would be anything, uh, any sort of physical, uh, sexual contact. Um, but, you know--I'm not--we'll see what happens. That would make my life complete, but..."

Andrew Dice Clay stopped by to promote his new contract with the Las Vegas Hilton ("I'm doing 30 weeks a year.") and told the crew he was too old to be a road comic--he's dyed his hair for years now: "I started going gray at 35, so I've always done that." Dice went on to complain about the failure of his reality show, blaming the show's (over-)producers: "All they had to do was hire f’ing editors."

Dice told the crew he hated Jason Alexander: "This little fat meatball--he looks like Adam Sandler's little f’ing dog." Dice said he'd seen Jason playing poker and saying his million-an-episode gig on 'Seinfeld' made any bet reasonable. Dice’s hypothetical response: "You ever get a million a night? Like me. Cause that's what I'd get...here's a guy that was getting a million an episode on 'Seinfeld,' you know, just to be the little fat guy next door."

Dice later revealed it was Jason's one-man show (in which he plays a foul-mouthed comic named 'Donnie Clay') that really pissed him off: "The first time I ever heard about him he was saying nasty shit about me...then of course you meet him at a card game and he's kissing your f’ing balls, saying 'I wanna be you.'" Dice continued to vent: "You know what he is to me? He's f’ing cum that went the wrong way...it's just not right...don't f’ing use my name and think you're gonna get away with it."

Howard wanted to meet Valerie, Dice's new wife, so she came in and told the crew she hadn't just fallen for Dice's humor--she loved "everything about him. It's not just one thing."

Valerie was obviously smitten: "It does feel like one big party, like, since we met." However, she didn't realize who she'd met at first: "I didn't know who he was." Dice noted Viagra has played an important role in their relationship: "I pop 'em like Tic-Tacs."

Howard got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line to play 'The Gossip Game,' in which Mike reads four gossip items--three (allegedly) true, one false--and the crew has to pick the fake. This week's stories:

1. Rihanna still wants to be friends with her ex, Chris Brown.

2. 'Lost' star Dominic Monaghan got kicked out of a club after groping several women's asses.

3. Simon Cowell snapped at Ellen Degeneres on the set of 'American Idol' when she tried to block him from discussing 'X Factor.'

4. Courtney Cox stormed out of a store after a salesgirl told her a dress made her hips look big.

Howard and Robin zeroed in on the Courtney Cox item, but Fred went with the Rihanna story--Howard and Robin were right.

Prompted by a question from Mike Walker, Howard revealed that he had met with two 'American Idol' producers--only once, a couple months ago: "But it wasn't about 'American Idol.' It was about a bunch of things we were talking about and it took place in my apartment."

A 5 month old baby girl had her 5 inch tail surgically removed.

A swift-dialing 7-year-old boy saved his family.

Corey Feldman was on Larry King yesterday.

The Vatican is possessed.

China has a dwarf theme park.

Matt Damon is starring in 'Green Zone.'

Forest Whitaker is starring in 'Our Family Wedding.'