HOT TIPS
The Howard Stern Show for January 6, 2009

Howard started off the show saying he interrupted Robin yesterday and regretted it: “You were talking about how you are an expert at colonics at this point…we learned that the word ‘fill’ means the amount of time you hold the water in.” Robin said Howard was incorrect: “No no no no. The word fill refers to the amount of water you take in.”

Robin explained that her ability to take a “fill” usually impressed her colonic therapists: “Maybe 45 seconds or a minute [of water flow].” Howard laughed: “Is it like a rodeo, like how long you can ride this thing?” Howard again asked if Robin was really nude from the waist down during the filling process, and Robin said she was – but she wears a drape when she’s on her side (when they insert the tube) and again when she turns onto her back (during the “fill”).

Howard read a few emails from fans who were upset about Artie’s absence, including several from fans who claimed to pay Artie’s salary with their subscription payments. Howard disliked the argument: “The only thing I miss about terrestrial radio was people couldn’t say that…we could be like, ‘F’ you, it’s free’…” Howard added that Artie wasn’t going anywhere: “Unless he really f’s up…unless he kills somebody.” Later in the show Steve Langford reported that a listener had sent in an odd photo of someone who could easily be Artie, walking down a Florida street carrying a baseball bat.

Howard again complained about the exhausting visit his family paid him over the break, saying his sister would laugh at his father’s crazy rants and say things like, “He should be on the radio and not you!” Robin laughed that the whole scenario should be a sitcom, but Howard dismissed the idea: “It’s not a sitcom. It’s my life!”

Gary the Retard called in to say he was in love with Miss Howard Stern, so Howard speculated that Gary couldn’t handle her. Gary begged to differ: “I can handle her!”

Richard then called in as “Miss Howard Stern” and tried to bait him into some phone sex, but Gary couldn’t be fooled: “I am retarded. Are you?” Gary then claimed he kissed Andrea when they were in Vegas: “With my tongue…she had on a short dress. I could see her underpanties.”

Lisa G walked in with the headlines during a brief discussion of Robin’s colonics, so Howard asked her if she ever had an enema. Lisa said she stays regular (everyday at 7am) thanks to Fiber One cereal. Howard was disgusted by the idea of using the bathroom at work: “My body doesn’t even kick in until I get home.” Lisa said she didn’t have the luxury (like Howard) of a private bathroom, so she had little choice: “I eat a nice healthy breakfast and things happen.”

Howard wondered how High Pitch Mike was doing now that he’s living out of the closet: “Where is that little queen? And who’s he attracted to?” Gary reported that Mike doesn’t get in until 10am and, according to Brad Driver (Howard100 news director/Mike’s boss), “definitely hasn’t gotten laid yet.” Later, Mike came in and Howard told him his skin had cleared up now that he’s out.

Mike said he’s going out on a date this weekend with a “kid” who’s “college age.” Everyone “whoa”d, so Mike explained that he met the “kid” at a party, adding that he’d like to tell them about his sexual history, but he wanted to wait until Artie was in-studio. Howard asked if Mike would at least talk about blowing dudes, but Mike resisted: “Who says I blow dudes? Who’s to say I’m not getting blown?”

Mike noted that he could count the number of dudes he’s been with on one hand, and he’s a top: “I don’t get f’ed.” Howard wondered if Mike was open to being a bottom, and Mike admitted if he was – if he was in a committed relationship. Richard then came in to ask Mike to demonstrate his oral sex technique on a banana, but Mike refused.

A caller asked why Benjy never did any pranks or stunts anymore, so Benjy explained: “The scheduling is tough sometimes. I’d like to do stuff at 2 in the morning.” Howard told Benjy to try working on his laptop or collaborating with Sal and Richard, and Benjy said, “Alright,” and started walking out of the studio. Howard laughed, “Not now!”

Whitney Casey stopped by to promote her new book, “The Man Plan,” and reported that she based the book’s theories on interviews with 250 men and her own real life experience. She started working as a reporter for CNN and left to work for President Clinton. Howard joked that Clinton must’ve had a ball with her, but Whitney denied it: “He never hit on me.”

Whitney said she also used to be married to football star Jason Sehorn – and while they dated for six years before getting married, they never consummated until after they’d tied the knot: “We didn’t have sex, but we tried other things.” Howard asked what that meant, so Whitney explained that they did everything but vaginal and anal sex, adding that the marriage went bad after three months: “We didn’t have great chemistry…intellectually…He wasn’t intellectually curious.”

After she divorced Jason, Whitney said she dated his best friend and teammate, Danny Kanell. Howard asked who Whitney’s dated since, so she listed her romantic resume: Lance Armstrong (“We never had sex.”), Rocco Dispirito (“He’s a good-looking dude…We don’t have to talk about his penis being perfect, but he knows it.”) and Adam Duritz (“I wasn’t that attracted to him.”).

Whitney told the crew that she also once dated a male model who had a penis the size of a baby’s arm, a Lebanese OB-GYN and an Indian man who claimed she was “too large.” Howard referenced some of the advice from Whitney’s book that instructs women to avoid spicy food or bold-flavored foods, so Whitney explained that the advice was meant to help women with foul-smelling vaginas.

Howard went over some the book’s other advice, like avoiding raw vegetables on dates, as they cause diarrhea. Whitney said women should also master the preparation of at least one meal, wear bras that show some nipple (but only after 9pm – and never “nude” colored ones) and never talk dirty the first time they have sex with a guy. Finally, Whitney told women to never fake an orgasm: “You’re doing yourself a disservice.”

A few senate seats are still empty.

Oprah is over 200lbs again.

Richard Simmons wants to help.

Some guy was awarded $240,000 for being forced to cover up his Arabic script t-shirt.

A 4-year-old child shot his babysitter.

Jett Travolta died from a seizure.

Steve Jobs has a hormonal condition.

Heavy drinkers have more sex partners.

Donna Karan spent New Years chasing A-Rod.

Rip Torn has been arrested for DUI.

Bush wants the violence to stop in Israel.

Some model is suing Google for hosting an anonymous blog that defames her.

Kate Hudson is starring in “Bride Wars.”

Clint Eastwood is starring in “Gran Torino.”

Daniel Craig is starring in “Defiance.”

Sam Shephard has been arrested for DUI.