GARY'S KIDNEY STONE PROCEDUREGary started off the show recounting his kidney stone removal surgery: "It started out between 6 and 8 millimeters [in diameter], which is the size of a marble." Gary said he missed it all thanks to the anesthesia and now is only in a little pain when he urinates: "It's uncomfortable but it's not what Artie described."
Gary's doctor told him he first broke the stone into three pieces (with ultrasound blasts) and then had to "root around" for all the pieces. Later in the day, as the anesthesia wore off, Gary began to suffer: "It’s really only that bad when I have to pee...I'm gonna go right now and it's gonna hurt."
GARY'S BANNED FOODS LISTHoward went over a list of foods known to cause kidney stones, and Gary described how often he ingested each item. Draft beer: "I don't drink a lot of beer...though I did just have a tap put in my Mancave." Berry juices: "See some people tell you to drink cranberry juice all the time when you have kidney stones." Teas and cocoa: "I don't drink that stuff anymore." Peanut butter: "Well, I like peanut butter." Gary then said the show would have a clearer picture of his future diet soon: "We'll have it when [the doctor] takes the stent out."
THE SAD CLOWN’S BAD YEARSal came in to discuss the "long process" he, Jason and Justin (and "a couple of assistant writers") go through to write HowardTV's 'Show in the Hallway,' remarking that Yucko the Clown recently refused to participate in an episode in which his ex-wife sleeps with Ronald McDonald, Bozo and the Insane Clown Posse.
Yucko followed Sal in to explain himself: "I had a shitty year last year." Artie was unimpressed, joking: "Welcome to the I-had-a-shitty-year club, asswipe." Howard then asked Yucko how horrible it was to carry around all the props he uses in his act, but Yucko claimed schlepping a suitcase full of dildo’s around was no big deal - joking that he at least had it better than Artie: "He's gotta carry that fat ass around."
LIFE AS A SINGLE CLOWNYucko told the crew he hadn't heard from his ex-wife since their divorce: "Not at all. That's the way I like this shit, too." He hasn't been laid since the divorce either: "I've gotten close a lot of times but I'm on anti-depressants and my little clown-y dick kinda [fails]." Instead, Yucko tours with the Killers of Comedy - he frequently rooms with Beetlejuice, who was recently blamed for shitting in the shower.
However, as Beet continued to deny doing it (this time), the Rev. Bob Levy finally fessed up: "He was sick and ended up shitting in the shower and then tied to kick it down the drain. He got most of it down."
ARTIE'S N-WORD BANYucko took issue with Artie for banning the comics opening for him from using the n-word. Artie explained that he wanted to use the word himself and it was hard to after the opening comedians like Yucko abused it. Artie added that he also had difficulty following the shock of the Rev.
Bob Levy's blue cheese stunts: "It's like following a rape. People are leaving. Women are crying...Bob's like, 'It kills,' and I'm like, 'It's killing me.' I do [use the n-word] in the context of a story. So if the first clown uses it 50 billion times, it loses its [shock]."
IT’S NO PANTS WEDNESDAYBrooke Hogan stopped by to promote the new season of 'Brooke Knows Best,' and Howard was impressed with her outfit: "You forgot to put pants on!" Brooke laughed: "It's no-pants Wednesday...you're very attractive. Don't tell Dad." Howard asked if Brooke only pretended to be single on her TV show, and Brooke admitted she kind of was dating Stacks, her producer: "It's not that I'm into black guys, it's just that I'm into guys who are good looking." |
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BROOKE WILL KISS BUTCH LESBOS...FOR TVHoward wondered if Brooke no longer a virgin, and Brooke half-confirmed it, using a Spring Break-type phrase: "I'm totally legal and living regal." Brooke added that she actually lost her virginity to a guy who was on a few episodes of the old “Hogan Knows Best” show - and, on the new season of “Brooke knows Best,” will kiss a girl: "Her name was Daniela...she had, like, buzzed hair. She was kinda butch."
IS MOM ON DRUGS?Howard asked Brooke if she thought “Hogan Knows Best” ruined her parents' marriage, but Brooke thought the problems were already there: "I think it was all just underlying and, like a pressure cooker, made it come out." Brooke then took issue with her mom's 20-year-old boyfriend: "I don't feel like it's the right thing for her." Brooke added: "I can't say that she does [drugs]. Do I have a gut feeling that she has something to come clean about? Yes. But that's just my gut."
YES THEY ARE FAKE...NOWHoward wondered why Brooke has denied reports that she has fake boobs, but Brooke claimed she hadn't: "I've never said that - I just never commented...my boobs are fake." Brooke said she just didn't like the shape of her natural breasts: "I wanted them more rounded...I like them [now]. They definitely look pretty. But I didn't need them." When Howard pointed out that she had claimed to have real breasts on his show, Brooke explained that she had the surgery in the last year.
STAIND PERFORM IN-STUDIOHoward welcomed Mike and Aaron from Staind to the studio and asked Aaron why, as a singer, he was still a smoker. Aaron said he'd quit, but after learning his wife might've been pregnant with a Down’s Syndrome baby, he started up again. The baby turned out fine, but the pack-a-day habit stayed. Mike then told the crew that the band was paying attention to the economy and going on a reduced-ticket price "Stimulus" tour this summer. The guys then performed a couple acoustic covers of Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" and Bob Seger's "Turn the Page."
HIGH PITCH MIKE GOT A TATTOOSteve Langford reported that High Pitch Mike recently had his birth date - and, below it, his out-of-the-closet date - tattooed on his arm. Mike came in to show the crew the tattoo (an hourglass and the two dates), prompting Artie to recommend Mike's next tattoo as one that might get him laid: a tattoo of Brad Pitt on his face.
Mike anticipated his trip to Puerto Rico, saying he was going there with a gay friend: "I'm probably gonna get some shrapnel from all the guys he talks to." Mike denied the guy was his lover, but admitted to kissing him: "When people get drunk, you do stupid stuff." Artie joked: "Like turn gay?"
IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN'S NEWS
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