SPERM DONOR VS TESTICLE DISSECTION
The Howard Stern Show for November 3, 2009

Artie said he woke up at 4:30 this morning and frantically attempted to check for the score of last night's World Series game – first on ESPN and then his computer: "I tried to go to MLB.com and I ended up at Playstation...where's Google?" Howard said he had a similar night: "I woke up at about 2 o'clock. I had agita...I went window shopping at 3am." Robin said she loved how empty NYC's avenues are at night, and Howard agreed: "I was beating off in the street and nobody did anything."

A caller asked if Beth ever initiated sex with Howard, so Howard explained: "She initiates sometimes. I think I do it more." Robin wondered how Beth liked to get things going, and Howard replied: "She'll roll over and rest her head on my chest." Howard added: "Last night she was like, 'I'm going to bed.' She was so irritable because we'd gotten up early...she used to initiate a lot more. But I initiate more now. She used to sit down next to me on the couch and start manipulating me."

Howard gave a caller the chance to play The Beetlejuice Game and potentially win a cash prize, explaining that he'd play clips of Beetle answering “complete-this-phrase” questions – to win, the caller must guess whether or not Beet will know the missing word(s). Two out of three takes the prize:

“Twinkle twinkle little...” The caller incorrectly guessed that Beet would get it right: "Oh twinkle little f’ing birdie?"

“Jack and ___ went up the hill.” The caller bet against Beet for his first point: "Oh Jack up in the f’ing hills?"

“I pledge allegiance to the ___.” The caller took the prize when Beet nailed it: "To a flag?"

Howard learned that the only procedure available to Will was a procedure in which his balls had to be cut open, so Will came in to explain they would search his balls for swimmers: "The way the doctor explained it to me, your testicle is like a book and they go through it page by page." Will said he was actually considering the procedure – and wasn't opposed to adopting a black child: "If they're a good athlete."

Howard offered his services: "You want me to beat off in cup? I'll do it." Will said he might actually have the costly ball-dissection procedure instead: "We haven't gotten that far yet but I would say [it'll cost me] around $20,000." Howard thought it might be cheaper to adopt a Chinese baby: "Those are the cutest."

Will said he'd rather get a sperm donation from a family member than adopt: "I have a brother. I have uncles." Howard was horrified: "Don't do that. Go to a sperm bank and ask for the smartest good-looking guy...there's basic sibling rivalry...you don't want to be thinking that every time your brother comes over...you come to me before you decide anything. I mean privately."

Howard again offered a semen sample, and Will considered it: "Lemme think about that. I'll get back to you." Howard cited JD as the staffer whose semen sample he'd personally be least-likely to use: "But you know what? I would take JD over Benjy. Because Benjy is disturbing. I'm worried about him." Howard also reconsidered taking JD before a couple others: "I would take JD before Sal or Richard? Am I crazy?"

Howard eventually reversed position, with one complaint: "I think JD could be kind of a cool guy. There's just no way he's gonna get rid of that personality." Artie cited Richard as the last staffer he'd ask (besides himself): "Maybe it's just because I'm a city-slicker and arrogant." Howard couldn't decide: "Richard. Or maybe Sal. That's a tough one." Fred picked Jason, citing his looks: "It's not that he's ugly. It's the overweight issue. It's the excessive hair."

Jason came in to agree with Fred, citing his hirsute physique – even stripping off his shirt to show the crew his hairy back. Fred was disgusted: "It's like a sweater." Howard noticed that Jason had a little pattern baldness on his back, so Jason explained that it had never grown back after his first back-waxing treatment. Howard then pointed to the bald spot on Jason's head: "They should take the hair off your back and put it on your head."

Sal came in to explain his reasons for attacking Ross Zapin yesterday: "It's a personality thing...I feel that he belittles me." Howard speculated that Ross was dismissive to Sal, which Sal confirmed: "That's basically what it comes down to." Howard explained: "You think he just gets along with the people he has to get along with."

Sal repeated his complaints with Ross' allegedly-rank breath: "If my breath smells like shit, you better believe I'd want someone to tell me...bad is an understatement. It's like the scrapings of a bottom of a dumpster." Sal followed-up with a qualifier: "But I don't want to put him down." Artie countered that he had been to many events with Ross and had never smelled anything bad.

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