ARE THEY GAY YET?
The Howard Stern Show for January 11, 2007

Howard began his morning reading e-mails criticizing comments he made yesterday about Pearl Jam’s cover of The Who song, “Teenage Wasteland.” After Howard explained he liked both Pearl Jam and cover songs in general, just not this one in particular, he also played Pearl Jam’s version of The Who’s “Love Reign O'er Me,” which elicited the same response. This led Howard to point out that one cover song he did like was Alanis Morissette’s take on the Seal song, “Crazy.”

Howard mentioned he was “depressed” by George Bush’s speech last night, announcing that he would be sending 21,000 more American troops to Iraq. While Robin responded by saying even people in Bush’s administration were starting to publicly acknowledge the major mistakes that were being made during this “war,” Artie added what upset him the most about the news was that he knew some of those 21,000 people would die in Iraq.

Howard proceeded to report one of his daughters asked him recently about the video of Saddam Hussein being hung, and that he had to tell her he’d watched it. Howard then commented the following three videos were the ones he’d seen in his life that stuck with him: (1) The Pennsylvania politician, Bud Dwyer, shooting himself in the head during a press conference, (2) Saddam’s hanging, and (3) a captured American in Iraq getting beheaded.

Howard brought up that Ralph was on “The Wrap Up Show” yesterday, and that he talked about the bonus Howard gave him this year as a Christmas gift. After Gary came into the studio and commented that Ralph’s statement caused a good deal of speculation as to just how much Howard gave him, Eric the Midget called in to say he was “sick” of Howard taking calls from Jessica Hahn and Ralph. However, when Howard pointed out what a big Eric fan Ralph was, he replied that he didn’t necessarily hate Ralph, but was merely passing along the opinions of people he knew.

Eric then asked Howard when this year’s film festival would be, but Howard wasn’t sure if there was even going to be one. Artie then noted that, if there was a festival, his entry would simply be called “Benjy,” which led Gary to report nothing Benjy did was “normal,” explaining he was now drinking tea instead of coffee, but that he mixed three bags of tea in one cup every morning as opposed to just one.

Howard announced he had a tailor in the studio to measure Artie for his suit, and wondered just how big Artie’s waist was. Although Artie figured his waist to be roughly 60 inches, Howard thought that figure was too big, and added people’s waist sizes, if normal, should be their height divided by two. As Artie revealed he was 5’10” and should therefore have a waist size of 35 inches, the tailor, Anthony, came into the studio and guessed he had a 44-inch waist.

Before Anthony took Artie’s measurements, though, Jessica Hahn called in to yell at Eric for his remarks about her, which caused him to respond, “Go find another evangelist” and to ask her if she had joined the AARP yet. After Howard acknowledged he actually thought his replies were funny, Eric added that his and Johnny Fratto’s thread on the Stern Fan Network was more popular than Jessica’s. As Eric and Jessica continued to argue with each other, Artie pointed out that one sign an argument was “insignificant” was when one of its participants use, “Ask Mutt,” as a response, which Jessica did during their exchange.

Artie then got up for his waist measurement, with Robin guessing he was a 44, and Gary saying he thought he was closer to a 50. Anthony went on to measure Artie, here are some of results:

• His stomach was 55.5 inches

• His chest was 53 inches

• His over arm measurement was 62.5 inches...and required two tape measures to get

• The width of his shoulders was 22.5

• His waist was 48.5 inches and required Anthony to lift up Artie’s “gunt” to find

• His seat (otherwise known as his ass) was 50.5

Howard pointed out he was curious to know if Jason had a bigger waist than Artie, so he had Anthony measure Jason as well. However, when Anthony was done, he revealed Jason’s waist was just 46 inches but at 52.5 inches, Jason’s “seat” was 2 inches bigger than Artie’s.

Howard got to clips of yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show,” of Ralph calling in to defend his work schedule. During the first segment, Gary asked Ralph how many hours he worked for Howard per week, but Ralph claimed he couldn’t estimate that. Next, Ralph admitted that he didn’t have a normal job, and proceeded to discuss the check he got from Howard as a Christmas bonus. Howard then stopped the tape and mentioned that, after he got the check, Ralph called Beth and told her they were “in the same boat” when it came to Howard’s generosity, and asked her if she felt guilty when Howard gave her jewelry. Upon hearing that, Artie and Robin said they couldn’t believe Ralph made such a statement, and Howard agreed with them.

Gary then came into the studio to report Sal and Richard guessed the total of the check was in the six figures, while JD said he thought it was for $1 million. When Gary went on to say that he thought $10,000 would be “excessive,” Howard told him he was correct, even though he wouldn’t divulge any information about how much he gave Ralph.

Following a discussion of Ralph’s work ethic, a crying Jessica Hahn called in again...this time to apologize for yelling at Eric, primarily because he was in a wheelchair. However, Howard assured Jessica that Eric was a part of the show, and was fair game for insults just like everyone else.

JD came into the studio to talk about his date this weekend at the AVN Awards with the porn star, Kimberly Kane. JD added he’d be walking the red carpet with Kimberly, and that they’d be presenting an award alongside Carrot Top. After Howard asked JD if he thought there was a chance Kimberly was also dating Carrot Top – which he didn’t think was the case – Artie pointed out there was no tougher crowd than porn stars, explaining his friend, Jim Norton, once hosted the AVNs, and that he reported women were in the audience “sucking their own tits” while he was onstage trying to be funny.

When the topic of Bubba the Love Sponge’s wedding this weekend in Florida came up, Artie mentioned he wasn’t planning on attending the actual ceremony, which led Howard to say that would be disrespectful to Bubba and his fiancée, Heather. After Artie agreed to go to the wedding itself in addition to the reception, Howard reported Ronnie the Limo Driver was now going to the event by himself because his wife, Bonnie, was sick. Although Howard suggested Ronnie was happy he was going to the wedding alone because it meant he could go to strip clubs without worrying about Bonnie, Ronnie came into the studio and claimed he really was upset his wife was no longer going, even though he acknowledged he did get written permission to visit any strip clubs he wanted...from Lonnie at Scores.

Howard played clips of Richard and Sal pranking a public access program called “The Love Show” with so many graphic questions that the show’s hosts refused to take anymore calls. When those were done, Artie requested Fred play his all-time favorite Captain Janks call, of him pretending to be Kathy Lee Gifford telling the hosts of a telethon that “she” liked to make “hot monkey love to Howard Stern.” However, Fred reported he didn’t have that clip, and Gary got on his intercom to note he’d “have it in a minute.” Gary then informed Howard, though, that he didn’t have the clip after all, which led Howard to apologize to his audience for building up the tape only to not even have access to it.

Howard announced Shuli agreed to record the audio of him having sex with a woman, and that he had clips of it. Before he played them, though, Howard admitted he tried listening to the tapes earlier in the morning while eating breakfast, but had to stop them to prevent himself from getting sick. In the clips, Shuli and the woman both had orgasms, and she also performed oral sex on him.

As the tape was playing, Artie mentioned he had to take off his headphones because he didn’t want audio of Shuli having sex “stuck in his head,” while Howard pointed out Shuli was the only member of the crew who was willing to go through with the bit.

Janks got on the line and noted he sent Gary his entire archives a while back, and that someone on the staff must have lost his “hot monkey love” call. Janks proceeded to say he’d send his archives to Gary again, but Howard advised him to give them to someone else in order to prevent more problems. Howard added he’d discuss the mistake with Gary on the plane ride to Florida in the afternoon.

Gary finally came into the studio to say he had the “hot monkey love” clip, which Howard then played. In it, Janks, as Kathy Lee Gifford, claims she and her husband, Frank, were making a $500,000 donation to the cerebral palsy telethon before mentioning her interest in making “hot monkey love to Howard Stern.” Although the hosts immediately hung up on Janks, they went on to talk about the call for several more minutes, insisting the caller made “hot monkey love to the devil” and advising the audience “to make up” for the time they “wasted” on Janks.

Howard mentioned Tim Sabean usually wore a suit to work, but was instead dressed up in black buckle loafers with white socks this morning in preparation for his flight to Florida this afternoon. Tim then came into the studio, and Howard noted that, to him, he was dressed like Michael Jackson from the early 1980s. As Tim explained he was “relaxing” in his clothes today, Howard asked him to moonwalk while Fred played “Billie Jean” in the background.

Steve-O stopped by this morning, and told Howard “the most hardcore thing” he’d ever done was “inject five ounces of vodka” into his arm. Steve went on to explain he’d met a registered nurse, and she assured him he wouldn’t die from the stunt, which was why he went through with it. Artie then noted he recently watched an episode of “Wild Boyz,” where Steve covered himself in honey and let a wild bear lick it off him. Although Steve acknowledged there was a chance of serious injury or death as a result of the bear incident, he added he wouldn’t have minded such results as long as there was footage of it. Steve then said, though, that he understood why Steve Irwin’s widow didn’t want the tape of his death released, noting Steve Irwin’s career wasn’t about performing dangerous stunts on camera.

Steve acknowledged he was “happy” with the $73 million “Jackass 2” made in America, and also said he planned on getting “really rich.” Steve then noted his role in the “Jackass” franchise has led to other career opportunities, and that he was the leading man in the soon-to-be-released “National Lampoon’s TV: The Movie,” and also had a cameo on “The O.C.”

Steve said marijuana was his favorite drug, and that heroin and crack were the only two drugs he’s never tried. However, Steve also said he was contemplating giving up drugs all together, mostly because of his former cocaine habit. Steve went on to recall he used to stay up for three days straight snorting the drug, sleep it off for an entire day, and then start the cycle all over again. Steve added such a habit started getting in the way of his work, which he admitted “said something” when it came to him.

Steve reported he “got in trouble” following his last appearance on the show when he brought up that he had pleasured himself while lying in bed next to Nicole Richie, although he insisted she was fine with what he said. Steve also said he and Johnny Knoxville were still friends, but he wasn’t sure if there’d be a third “Jackass” movie. Despite this, Steve mentioned he recently had an idea for a stunt involving an amputated finger and his rear end, an idea that Howard noted he’d support given the success of the other films.

Steve then turned his attention back to women, calling them “pains in the ass” because all the ones he has sex with want to be his girlfriend afterwards. However, Steve went on to say he enjoyed cuddling, and that he even engaged in the practice with hookers he was with overseas.

Steve also reported he hangs out with Paris Hilton, but claimed they’d never had sex, before bringing up that he had sex with one of the stars of “The Real World” a few months ago, even though he wouldn’t identify her.

Richard and Sal came into the studio to challenge Steve to a contest “snapping rubber bands against their balls,” but Steve, who has stapled his balls, called the stunt “a step back” for him. Steve also refused to participate in Richard and Sal’s other challenges, including a penis-twisting contest, as well as a penis tug-of-war. Steve then acknowledged that all of this caused him to question Richard and Sal’s sexuality, and recalled how uncomfortable he was during his last visit because not only were the two of them naked but they also had their private parts painted in KISS makeup.

Steve and his director from “National Lampoon’s TV: The Movie,” Sam Macarrone, performed a rap song about STDs, complete with dance accompaniment from Sal. Richard and Sal then tied a rubber band to their penises for their tug-of-war, which Richard won. After Steve again noted how uncomfortable Richard and Sal made him, Richard showed Steve how he could twist his penis three times.

Steve reported he “got wasted” with Kevin Federline last month, and that he asked Kevin why he wasn’t with his newly born baby instead. Steve proceeded to name the former MTV VJ, Kennedy, as the biggest star who ever turned down his sexual advances, and added he rarely refused women who approached him for sex.

Steve also revealed he has smuggled marijuana into other countries before by swallowing a condom full of it, and that he has even done it in countries that punish such a crime with death.

Ralph got on the line and questioned how Steve was able to get women, which Howard responded he didn’t understand given his fame and good looks. Steve added he didn’t have a problem finding girls, even though he also said he had to be more careful because he was now based in Los Angeles and ran into the girls he’s slept with more often than he did when he traveled frequently.

Before Steve left the studio, a woman fro PETA called in to congratulate Steve on the rant he did this month against the way circuses treat animals. Steve explained he used to work for a circus, and witnessed elephants being stabbed with hooks in order to get them to perform tricks, and he felt obligated to speak out against it.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which of the reports is definitely fake. Here were the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) Paris Hilton signed a deal with Hallmark to make a yearly scrapbook for the company.

(2) Alec Baldwin yelled at a man who cut in front of a wheelchair-bound woman in line at the grocery store.

(3) Burt Young agreed to be in “Rocky Balboa” only if his paintings were featured throughout the film, which they were.

(4) Lindsay Lohan gave a mini-mart cashier $50 for two Red Bulls and didn’t wait for her change.

While Fred went with the Paris Hilton story as the fake, Howard and Robin picked the second. After Artie chose the Burt Young report, Mike revealed that Fred had won the game – yet again.

After a discussion about more rumors concerning a potential merger between SIRIUS and XM, Howard brought up that portions of his interview yesterday with David Arquette was already being printed on gossip Websites. Howard went on to read the topics covered in one of the articles, and admitted he was able to get a good deal of information out of David. Howard added he felt badly for David given some of the negative remarks people left for him on the Website he saw.

Mariann from Brooklyn then to call in to say she wouldn’t support the merger because she considered Howard to be an employee of SIRIUS, and Howard said he felt the same way. Since Mariann was on the line, Howard told her he had received a number of e-mails from people who claimed they pleasured themselves to the pictures of her riding the Sybian that appeared on this site.

Howard played a voicemail from Jeff the Drunk criticizing Howard for not putting him on the air on Tuesday so he could wish the program a happy anniversary. Howard next got to a voicemail from Siobhan the Transsexual, who requested a face-to-face meeting with him. However, Howard acknowledged since Siobhan and Elliott Offen were the two Wack Packers who scared him the most, he didn’t think the meeting would happen. While Robin and Artie both picked Elliott as the Wack Packer they’d be most afraid of, Gary named Big Foot as his pick, noting his size would be too intimidating to him.

Before Robin got to her news, Howard got Ralph on the line to ask why he announced the Christmas bonus he had gotten from him, and why he compared himself to Beth. Ralph replied, though, that he didn’t think mentioning the check would be a problem, and also claimed Beth “twisted” his words in regard to him questioning if she felt “weird” accepting gifts from Howard. As Ralph went on to defend his remarks, Howard informed Ralph “he wasn’t his girlfriend,” and insisted he start keeping the presents he gets a secret.

Bubba the Love Sponge called in to say he didn’t have an agenda for anyone on the show when it came to this weekend, and proceeded to get into an argument with Ralph. In response to Bubba questioning Ralph’s sexuality, Ralph noted there was an over-under on how long his marriage would last, with a year being the current line. Bubba replied he didn’t care about the pool, and explained he had a prenup with his fiancée, Heather, so he wasn’t worried about her trying to take his money. Bubba added he thought Heather was “a good woman,” and that he felt their relationship would last.

Bubba went on to say he weighed himself this morning, and that he checked in at 271 pounds. Although Howard expressed surprise at Bubba’s size, Bubba noted he weighed 330 pounds when he met Heather, and that the “thinnest” he’d ever been as an adult was 259 pounds.

Bubba also reported that Brooke Hogan would be attending his wedding with the rest of the Hogan clan, but denied that he’d ever have sex with her if given the opportunity. Bubba added, based on how long he’s known the Hogans, that he felt Brooke was a virgin. This led Ralph to question why Bubba was thinking about Brooke in a sexual way, given that he considers himself to be her “uncle,” and Bubba replied he didn’t want to talk about the subject anymore.

• Yvonne De Carlo, the woman who played Lily Munster, died.

• Barry Bonds failed an amphetamine test.

• Prince William’s girlfriend is being hounded by the British tabloids.

• Jason Kidd’s wife has denied his claims that she abused him.

• President Bush laid out his new plans last night for Iraq.

• The House passed the Fair Minimum Wage Act of 2007 yesterday afternoon.

• A developer in Florida paid owners of homes in a trailer park up to $1 million apiece.

• Barbaro has suffered a potentially life-threatening setback.

• Barbara Walters stood up for Rosie O’Donnell in her feud with Donald Trump.

• More parents than ever are putting limits on how television their children watch.

• Steve Irwin’s final special, “The Ocean’s Deadliest,” will premiere on January 21.

• Dennis Miller will begin hosting a radio show in March.