PUTTING ON HIS BIRTHDAY SUIT
The Howard Stern Show for May 3, 2007

Howard began this morning reading e-mails, including one about yesterday’s installment of “The Jack and Rod Show,” where Richard and Sal interviewed an author while constantly playing station jingles over him. After Howard replayed the clip, he got to another tape, this one of Riley Martin warning a caller on his show not to kill himself because, even though the caller claimed he owned a symbol, he still wouldn’t go to “a nice place” when he died. Howard proceeded to take a call from a listener who was shocked to see Jim “The Psychic Madman” Karol pulling a playing card from Siobhan the Transsexual’s “vagina” on Howard TV before reading a number of e-mails continuing to criticize him for leaving Gary’s party last Saturday while everyone else was still eating dinner. Howard also read e-mails about Bubba the Love Sponge, who had called in Tuesday to give his thoughts on the dinner controversy, many of which from people who stated they felt he should’ve kept his feelings to himself.

As Howard was reading the messages, he pointed out how bad some of the grammar in them was, which led him to mention a story about a Staten Island principal who may lose his job because of a letter he sent to students’ parents that was full of grammatical errors and misspellings. Howard then read mail from people who wanted him to hire one of yesterday’s guests, Gilbert Gottfried, while others praised yesterday’s interview with Tobey Maguire.

Ralph then called in to report he saw “Spider-Man 3” for the second time, and that he liked it even more following a repeat viewing. Despite this, though, Ralph added he still would’ve edited out about 30 minutes of the film and would’ve had Kirsten Dunst “fix her teeth” for the performance.

Following Robin’s dismissal of a caller’s assertion that she was interested in dating George Lucas, Howard brought up the news that Imus was planning on suing CBS for $40 million over his firing last month. Howard then noted that, although he wasn’t a fan of Imus at all, he was still supporting his suit, explaining that he's had employers violate his contracts in the past. Howard went on to compare certain radio companies to pirates in the way they broke contracts, and added that he thought it was the job of radio executives to start straightening out the industry.

Howard brought up the show will be roasting Andy Dick on May 16, and proceeded to play a clip of him being on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” last night mentioning it. In the tape, Andy acknowledged he didn’t think being roasted was “a good idea” and also joked he didn’t believe the comedians who took part would mention either his “drugs” or “gayness.” Gary then came into the studio and announced the following comics were booked for the roast: the Rev. Bob Levy, Sal, Shuli, Artie, Greg Fitzsimmons, Colin Quinn, Lisa Lampanelli and Dave Attell.

Howard got to a tape from yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show,” of Steve the Intern, Ralph, Scott DePace and Jason all debating who they idolized more: Howard or Spider-Man. In another clip, Jason discussed how his girlfriend told him earlier in the week that she’d be “freaked out” if he ever got super powers, and Gary, who was in the studio, added Jason had been “shooting webs” like Spider-Man in the halls lately. Jason then came in and demonstrated his web-spinning talent, including his double-handed version, which Artie admitted was “sort of cool.”

Howard then took another call from Ralph, who wanted to know if Howard would rather be Spider-Man, Batman or Superman, and they both agreed Superman was the obvious choice.

Howard said Jeff the Drunk was stopping by for his 40th birthday, but he didn’t feel like seeing Jeff because there wasn’t anything he wanted him to do. However, after Howard added he’d be interested in watching get Jeff spanked 40 times by “a gay guy,” he asked Gary to head over to OutQ, SIRIUS’ gay channel, to find a gay man to administer the spanks. While Howard waited for Gary to reach the OutQ studio, Jeff came in and Howard suggested he cut off his dead arm so they could hang it in the studio. Howard then asked Jeff why he was always sweating, but Jeff had no answer. This led Artie to point out that he felt Jeff was “too gray for 40,” and Jeff noted he was 40 years old and one day “thanks to Tobey F’in Maguire,” which Howard explained was a reference to his decision not to let Jeff come in yesterday, which was his actual birthday, because he didn’t want him harassing Tobey.

When Howard told Jeff that a man was coming in to spank him, he responded that he didn’t care as long as the spanker didn’t touch his blister or “finger my asshole.” This led Howard to point out he felt Jeff’s rear end would end up turning the gay man straight, while Artie added that he saw OutQ guys everyday, and he’d never been hit on by any of them.

Howard then informed Jeff he was “bored with his birthday,” and told him to leave the studio and that he’d be let back in if an OutQ guy arrived.

Sour Shoes called in to perform Bon Jovi songs, and threw in impressions of Scott Ferrall and Yankees announcer, John Sterling, as well. As Sour Shoes was playing, Fred pointed out he used to laugh during the KROCK days when Sour Shoes would wait outside the studio on rollerblades every morning to say hello, and Howard noted Sour Shoes used to show up at places he went privately to as well. Howard then wondered what Sour Shoes’ parents thought of him, especially because he still lived with them even though he was in his 30s and unemployed, and Artie said he wanted to know his exact age given the obscure references he made in his calls.

When the topic of the Battle of the Blobs came up while Lisa G. was in the studio reading Howard 100 News headlines, Howard commented that all the contestants would end up gaining their weight back, which he thought was depressing. Benjy then mentioned, though, that he’d never exercised as much in the past as he was now, and planned on sticking to his exercise regimen. Scott the Engineer proceeded to come into the studio to claim he was going to do the same thing, while Jason, who’s in the lead going into the final week of the contest, reported he planned on losing an additional 30 pounds once the competition was over to get down to 195 pounds. This led Howard to ask Jason how close he was to getting engaged to his girlfriend, but he refused to get into any details about the subject.

Lisa then brought up Riley Martin and his “pee jug,” and Artie remembered how he used to have to defecate in boxes when he worked in construction. In fact, Artie also remembered the time he was wiring a house with his uncle, and that his uncle took a swing at him when the owner of the house discovered Artie had forgotten to flush the toilet after crapping in it.

Howard acknowledged he didn’t want to see Jeff get spanked, so he instead asked him to get into a bikini and hit a piñata containing a six pack of beer, which Jeff agreed to do. As Jeff prepared for the bit, Howard asked if he and Artie were getting along, and Artie thought Jeff was mad at him for not giving him money for doing nothing in awhile. However, Jeff insisted that wasn’t why he was upset with Artie, adding he was angry with him because he thought they were friends, yet Artie changed his cell phone number and hadn’t given him the new one. Jeff then claimed Artie had told him they were friends, but Artie insisted he never said such a thing. Artie went on to offer Jeff $100 for his birthday, and Jeff said he’d accept the gift when he got back into the studio after putting on his bikini.

While Howard waited for Jeff to change, he played clip from a recent “The Tyra Banks Show” of Tyra discussing her “So What!” movement that encourages women to celebrate their bodies instead of worrying about their appearance. Following the tape, Ralph called in to say he’d seen the episode in question, and it featured overweight women wearing tube tops that allowed their stomachs to hang out, while JD came into the studio to add he was disturbed by the images he saw on the program as well.

Since JD was in the studio, Howard got to clips from yesterday’s “Intern Show,” of JD admitting that he didn’t like it when Robin made fun of him because he felt she was “a sidekick,” and also talked about how he avoided talking to Stuttering John when he worked on the show because he thought John was “shady.” Howard then revealed JD was voted by the interns as “the creepiest guy on the show,” and JD acknowledged he knew why he received that honor, mostly because he couldn’t help but staring at their chests.

Gary got on his intercom to say Jeff was ready, and Jeff came into the studio. Upon seeing him, Howard noted that didn’t look as bad as he thought he would, but changed his mind when he saw the blister on his rear end. After Robin told Jeff he needed to have “a skin graph” and have the blister removed seeing as it was “growing,” he responded by insisting she “shut up” because he didn’t want to hear about his condition on his birthday. However, Jeff also admitted the blister “hurt,” and Artie mentioned he felt his ailment was a result of him not wiping himself properly, which Jeff claimed wasn’t true.

Howard then had Jeff try to break the piñata, and he did as Fred played Mexican music in the background. Howard went on to say he noticed Jeff had “two knots” on his head, and Jeff acknowledged he’d had those for a long time. Despite all his problems, though, Jeff said, “Nice,” when he got the beer from the broken piñata. Artie proceeded to give Jeff a fake $100 bill, and Jeff informed him he knew it wasn’t real.

Howard then took a call from a doctor who said he could come to the studio to take a look at Jeff’s backside, and Howard replied by saying the doctor could stop by to try to help him. Mariann from Brooklyn then got on the line to yell at Artie for the way he treated Jeff, and insisted she knew he’d never be happy given the way he treated people, which led to him calling her all kinds of names. Upon hearing that, Mariann informed Artie she wanted to “slap him,” adding that she wanted to call his mother to tell her she didn’t do a good job raising her son.

Howard got word that Jeff was unhappy, and he asked him why. Following Jeff telling Howard he didn’t want people talking about his rear end, Howard asked what he wanted from him and if he didn’t want the doctor to take a look at his problem. Jeff replied, though, that he did want the doctor to see him, but that he still felt like everyone was treating him like “a f’in’ asshole.” Jeff then acknowledged he didn’t have any health insurance, but Artie promised him that, if he needed medical attention, he’d pay for it, and Dominic Barbara called in to say he’d do the same thing plus chip in $1,000 and a free limo ride to the hospital.

Despite Artie’s and Dominic’s gestures, Mike Gange came into the studio to report Jeff was leaving. Howard then asked him, via a wireless headset in the Sirius lobby, why he was leaving, and he said it was because he didn’t like the way he was being treated. Mariann then got back on the line to persuade Jeff to remain at the studio for the doctor, and Jeff noted he could tell why Artie called her the things he had, but decided to stay anyway.

Comedian, Doug Stanhope, came in and acknowledged he was disturbed seeing Jeff’s rear end. This led Doug to recall the time he had an ingrown hair on his penis, and that he went to the doctor right away when the sore developed. Howard then mentioned he felt going to medical school was a sure-fire way to get women, and that women weren’t interested just in men’s looks, but Robin assured him that wasn’t the case. KC Armstrong then called in, and Howard told him he thought he was “losing his looks” based on recent pictures he’d seen of him. However, KC responded he was still getting women despite anything Howard though, and joked the reason he looked like he was gaining weight in the photographs was because he was “on his period and retaining water.”

KC also mentioned he liked one of Doug’s lines – “life isn’t for everyone” – and Doug acknowledged he sometimes got depressed, although he didn’t think he was suicidal. Doug next revealed he’d just turned 40 and was starting to get tired all the time, and that the only drugs he now did were the ones that helped him sleep.

Ralph called back in to say the last time he saw KC he’d just been arrested, and KC explained he was driving around looking for an address at the time, but was picked up for “looking suspicious,” and later found out that the area he was driving around in was a popular spot for men to pick up male prostitutes.

Howard had the doctor who called in earlier, Dr. Jules, into the studio to look at Jeff. After seeing Jeff’s backside, he diagnosed the condition as a boil, or more specifically, a carbuncle, and explained that he needed antibiotics. However, the doctor added he didn’t think Jeff wouldn’t need to be admitted to a hospital to get the treatment necessary. The doctor then looked at Jeff’s head and declared the knots were cysts and that he shouldn’t worry about them and also noted the marks on his back were “bad acne,” or as Artie called it “back-ne.”

When Howard next asked the doctor why Jeff sweated so much, Dr. Jules responded, “He’s a fat pig.” Before Jeff left for the limo Dominic had sent for him, he asked Artie for tickets to an upcoming Yankee game, and Artie said he’d do that for him seeing as it was his birthday.

Artie then mentioned he got a thank you note from Bubba the Love Sponge and his wife, Heather, this morning, just 24 hours after the topic came up on the air. Howard and Robin then said they received their thank you notes as well, and they, along with Artie, read their personalized notes.

While Steve Langford was in the studio talking about today’s Howard 100 News headlines, he revealed that Artie was in talks with FOX about a potential Saturday night talk show on the network. Artie responded by admitting the conversations were in their “infancy,” but that, if he was given a team of writers he wanted, he’d consider doing the program. Artie then said the potential show would be 30 minutes long on Saturday nights, and would feature some of his standup act as well as skits. Artie added he thought the late night timeslot was perfect for him not only because he didn’t have to worry about ratings, but also because censors were more lenient at such a late time, especially on Saturdays.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is definitely the fake one. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) Lindsay Lohan criticized a $17 million home she was shown by a real estate agent in front of its owners.

(2) Angelina Jolie stopped talking to Brad Pitt for two days after she caught him smoking a cigarette.

(3) Mariah Carey is launching a line of tanning products.

(4) Brooke Shields bought more than $2,000 worth of books for her children in Beverly Hills.

While Howard and Doug both picked the first story, Robin chose the third report, Fred went with the Brooke Shields story and Artie picked the Brad Pitt story. After checking to make sure he hadn’t cheated, Mike then revealed that, once again, Fred was correct.

The Stern Fan Network’s, Mutt got on the line to talk about tonight’s “SuperFan RoundTable,” and announced one of the topics they were planning on discussing tonight was going to be whether or not Howard would retire following his SIRIUS contract. Howard responded by admitting he was “almost 100 percent certain” that he was going to call it quits when his contract expired in 2011, although he also noted he’d felt that way when he was on terrestrial radio but still came back each time. Howard went on to say that, if he did leave, he’d spend his days relaxing and playing chess, adding he’d like to move to Florida as well. Robin then recommended Howard not make any decision now and instead mull it over when the time got closer, which Howard noted was a good idea.

• Andre Agassi supposedly got a $5 million advance for a book he’s writing.

• The person who introduced Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger to each other said she always thought Kim had difficulty accepting reality.

• A woman contracted hepatitis B following oral surgery.

• Experts have discovered excessive drinking might lead to brain shrinkage.

• Clear Channel plans to sell 201 more of its stations.

• Jim McGreevey is going to enter the seminary to become a priest.

• The price of milk is going up at a higher rate than the price of gasoline.

• John Edwards’ presidential campaign is gaining momentum.

• Rudy Giuliani and John McCain will be debating tonight.

• Don Imus is suing CBS over his firing.

• President Bush vetoed a bill that would’ve set timetables for troop removal from Iraq.

• A businessman is warning ABC not to run his picture in a story the network’s doing about a Washington, D.C., madam.

• Melanie Brown is contemplating bringing a paternity suit against Eddie Murphy.

• The president of Iran is catching heat for kissing a woman’s gloved hand in public.

• Experts are predicting big numbers for the opening weekend of “Spider-Man 3.”

• Actor, Gordon Scott, died at the age of 80.