THE WATER MILLIONAIRE
The Howard Stern Show for September 13, 2007

Howard started the show off reporting that Pam Anderson is dating Rick Solomon (of Paris Hilton porn tape fame) and then playing a clip of Pam telling Ellen DeGeneres she was dating a poker player. Artie wondered how long it would take before men in America stopped caring about Pam, which led Robin to claim she already heard strains of Farrah Fawcett in her voice. Howard said that Pam claims to have already hit the wall, but he felt Pam would hold up until six months after the end of his Sirius contract.

Artie told a story about falling asleep on the toilet last night, adding that it made him feel pathetic. Robin asked what he did before he went to sleep, so Artie confessed that he ate and jerked off. Howard noted that he's stopped eating late at night and it's made him less gassy and uncomfortable the next day. Artie felt he'd reached “the pinnacle of shit-health” and wondered if he should get a health coach.

Howard told a story about running into The Band’s Robbie Robertson on one of the days he spent hanging out with Carmen Electra in Malibu years ago. Robbie's date was talking with Howard, so Robbie came over and put his arm around her – but wouldn't say a word to Howard. Howard couldn't figure out why Robbie wouldn't talk to him, so Gary came in and explained that Howard once offended Robbie during an interview back in the day.

Jessica Hahn called in to say she was watching a YouTube video in which yesterday's call-in guest, Chris Crocker, makes out with his brother. Howard played audio of someone parodying Chris' Britney-defending video with a “Leave Artie Alone” clip. Howard noted that the guy in the video was surrounded by donut boxes and joked that Scott DePace should make one of the videos to defend George Bush.

Howard read a new report that claims most of the “women” in Toronto's Asian massage parlors are actually men, so the Toronto hand-job story Artie told the other day might have been a gay act. Artie became upset, saying “I'm very homophobic” and refused to believe that the “unattractive, yet soft-handed” woman who jerked him off was a man. Robin and Howard laughed that Artie was an “accidental homosexual,” but Artie flatly refused to believe their claims.

50 Cent stopped by to promote his new record and reported that he was also selling the Connecticut mansion he bought from Mike Tyson, as he doesn’t get to spend enough time there. Howard asked 50 if his friends ever tried to stay at the house after a party, and 50 admitted it sometimes happened. Robin wondered if there was a designated “blowjob area” in the house, so 50 explained that he would never limit oral sex to just one area of his home.

Howard asked 50 if, like Kanye West, he was annoyed by the VMAs. 50 admitted he was miffed that MTV only showed “a minute and twenty seconds” of his performance. Howard told 50 he loved the video for “21 Questions“ and said he would've tried to bang Megan Good, 50's co-star in the video. 50 didn't take the bait and refused comment. Howard speculated that 50's “move” was to approach a chick about collaborating.

50 told the crew that Eminem still gets a share his profits through his next record, but they were “straight,” as he'd rather have the money go to Em than anyone else. Howard asked 50 if he was going to quit the music business – as he claimed he would – should Kanye West’s new album outsell his, so 50 confessed that the rivalry was just to promote records. Howard told 50 that he must've banged Paris Hilton at the post-VMA party they were photographed together at, but again, 50 denied it.

50 did admit that he smashed a flat-screen television and threw his Blackberry out the window of his record company during a meeting with some record company execs because he didn’t feel they shared his passion for his new album. Howard asked 50 if he had “his Jews” take care of the damage control, so 50 admitted that “the people who handle [his] business” took care of it. Howard then played his new single, “Ayo Technology.”

Howard wondered how much 50 has profited off the sale of Vitamin Water, but 50 explained that he couldn't say as he had signed a non-disclosure agreement. However, he did admit he took a vacation after finding out the company was sold to Coca Cola for $4 Billion. 50 said he was dealing with “a lot of negative energy” now because of the massive success he's achieved in four years. 50 noted that wanted get back to doing “regular things,” and joked that he wished he could “shoot someone one more time,” so Howard told him to be careful.

Howard asked 50 if he ever performed oral sex on women, and 50 answered he was “selective” but also a “pornstar.” 50 also claimed he sometimes focused on ESPN to keep from finishing too fast. A caller asked if 50 was at war with Cam'ron, so 50 said he hadn't heard from Cam since he talked trash on Hot97. King of all Blacks then called in to say that 50 was “the man” because he wasn't into all that “positive shit” like Kanye.

50 Cent told Howard about meeting Madonna, so Howard asked him how he felt about Madonna adopting a black baby. 50 felt “going to different places and picking up babies was weird.” Robin asked if 50 were offended by the practice, but 50 claimed said no; he just didn't understand it. So Robin suggested that 50 go to Switzerland to adopt a blonde white boy in contrast to the children adopted by Madonna and Angelina. Howard asked 50 if he'd ever tossed a woman's salad, and 50 said he hadn't, but the rest of the crew (including Artie, Benjy, and Gary) admitted that they had.

Robert Schimmel stopped by to promote his weekend stand at Caroline's, and Howard asked him how his marriage was going. Robert reported that it was going fine, so Will came in to say that when he asked Robert the same question, Bob said “What can I do? I can't get divorced again.” Bob deflected by complaining that there was no fruit plate in the greenroom, so Gary explained that Tim Sabean was the one who decides (somewhat arbitrarily) which guests are worthy of fruit plate status, like Pam Anderson and Bob Saget.

Howard asked what happened between Robert's wife and her creepy pottery teacher after he complained about him the last time he was on the show. Bob explained that she just hangs with her yoga instructor now and doesn't have the energy to get jealous, adding that he didn't have energy to have more children with his new wife either.

Bob told Howard about hosting the Stripper Awards in Las Vegas and watching a performance in which a stripper danced while footage of the bombing of Pearl Harbor played in the background. He also described the Hustler travelling strip club, which was a semi trailer decorated with pictures of Larry Flynt and strippers on the outside and with couches and stripper poles on the inside. Rob revealed that he can't make jokes about the mob when he's hosting, as most of the club owner nominees have names like Jimmy “The Flame,” Jake “The Snake”, etc. Robert and Artie then lamented the horrors of “talker” strippers.

Howard got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which he read four gossip items – three of which are (allegedly) true, and one false – and the crew has to guess which is the fake. Mike then read this week's stories:

1. A naked Pete Wentz tried to surprise his girlfriend Ashley Simpson in their shower, but it turned out to be her sister Jessica, who was visiting for the weekend.

2. Owen Wilson didn't quit his next movie – he was fired in person (while he was recovering from his suicide attempt in the hospital) by Ben Stiller and Steven Spielberg.

3. Jim Belushi tipped caterers with autographed copies of his book...and $50.

4. Joel Madden begged a shop to open after it had closed because Nicole Richie, his pregnant fiancé, wanted chocolate caramels.

Robin thought item 4 was too complicated to be accurate. Artie picked item 1 as the fake, as it was too “gay.” Fred cited item 3 as “too benign” to be true. Howard said item 2 was false, as he didn't think Ben and Steven could be so cruel. Mike then announced that Artie had won – Jessica Simpson doesn’t shower in her sister’s bathroom.

Howard told Robin that he found two EECP machines on the Internet for cheap; one for $25,000, the other for $90,000. Robin said she was interested but questioned whether the machines were in full working order. Howard then wondered if the woman pictured on the Global Cardio Care Website (the company she visits for her “treatments”) was actually Robin, and after seeing the image, Robin admitted that the woman looked like her.

Ralph called in to defend Robin's use of the EECP machine, but Fred wondered why Robin needed to use a device that was meant for people with severe health problems. Howard said he was against Robin using the device as well and noted that she could get the same effects from vigorous exercise. Robin claimed it wasn't even a “treatment,” as it wasn't invasive, and added that she did supplement her regimen with exercise.

Howard presented some articles and facts about the War in Iraq and allowed Scott DePace to dispute them. Despite reports to the contrary, Scott maintained that Halliburton hasn't profited off the war and Dick Cheney didn't have any ties to Halliburton. Everyone thought Scott was being an ass and questioned why he gets so upset about liberal bumper stickers. Scott explained he wasn't angry, just “annoyed.”

Later, Howard made fun of Scott DePace for defending himself on SFN while the show was still on the air. Jason came in to say that Scott makes personal attacks on him whenever he can't make a valid argument, and true to form, Scott responded by making fun of Jason's nose and t-shirt. Ralph called in to ask Scott what sources he uses for news, so Scott explained that he usually relies on Fox News and Factcheck.org.

Jason claimed Scott was hated by all his co-workers at HowardTV, so Howard asked if any of the guys who recently left HowardTV did so because of Scott. Mike, one of the guys who's put in his two week's notice, came in to say he had no problem with Scott; he just got another gig. Jason revealed that Scott recently pissed off Gary by telling him, “it's not my fault your mother didn't save money.”

Gary came in to say he wasn't “furious,” but he did hate Scott's “cold and heartless” comment. Gary confessed that they were discussing how his mother's Medicare doesn't cover even a small percentage of her health care bills, and Scott responded by pretty much telling him to suck it up. Scott defended his position and claimed he didn't mean to offend Gary. Howard told everyone to go back to their offices and patch up their differences.

Howard told the crew that he was signing a publicity picture for Evil David Letterman, and he thought he looked handsome in the picture. Artie held up his publicity shot and asked Howard what he thought. Howard told Artie it looked good; even Beth thought Artie looked “really good” in “Beer League.” Fred said he felt Artie had a “pretty cool look when he's chubbier,” so Howard told Fred not encourage Artie to get fatter.

• Disgraced “memoirist” James Frey has a lucrative book deal for his new novel.

• Remy Ma has had attempted murder charges against her dropped, but she now faces tampering charges.

• Isiah Thomas' sexual harassment trial has revealed that Stephon Marbury had sex with an intern.

• Ciara is dating her bodyguard.

• Jennifer Lopez might be pregnant.

• Mary-Kate Olson guest-starring stint on “Weeds” starts soon.

• The bidding for Barry Bonds' 756th homerun has reached $300,000.

• A man killed his girlfriend's mother after she threatened to throw “voodoo dust” on him.

• Democrats are begging Republicans to end the Iraq war now.

• The average life expectancy of Americans has climbed to 78.

• An 81-year-old man is suing Brut cologne after it burned his hands and neck.