NEGATIVE EQUITY
The Howard Stern Show for June 3, 2008

Howard and Robin started off the show discussing last night's event at The Friar's Club. Howard explained that their agent, Don Buchwald, was very excited about the club's new chef, so they both headed over and put in an appearance. Howard asked Robin if there was something wrong with her date for the evening as the normally vocal Jim Florentine was quiet last night but Robin said he was just taking in the whole scene. Howard couldn't really figure out why the event was all that special, so he checked out after 40 minutes. Robin joked that the most notable part of her evening was finding a picture of Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling on the Friars wall.

Gary came in to show the crew his armful of bandages, saying he had to get five inoculations before going to Iraq. Gary laughed that he also was given a prescription for Cipro, which is the Anthrax antidote. Gary told Howard that he planned to buy a bunch of cheap clothes and leave them in Iraq when they leave, as the desert sand works its way so far into any fabric's weave, it's impossible to wash out. Fred said he looked up the weather for Iraq and yesterday’s forecast wasn’t hot or very hot, the Website said “sizzling” at 114 degrees.

A caller expressed concern over the show’s shorter running time of late, so Howard explained that he has been ending the show around the four-and-a-half hour mark lately, noting, “It’s still longer than the four hours I’m required to do.” Howard admitted that Tim was upset about how much pressure the shorter shows put on The Wrap Up Show, but Tim’s concerns lost out to the headaches and fatigue that come with staying in the studio for more than 5 hours a day. Howard jokingly added that he had been thinking about proposing to Mel Karmazin that he cut the show down to one hour a day. When the caller asked if Howard would ever consider showing up on a Friday, Howard said, “You never know, I did an hour on a Monday evening recently, so I might just show up some Friday.”

After Artie announced that he had hired a new, female assistant, Howard revealed that he met with Teddy the day of Artie's blow-up and suggested that they stop working together: “The next thing I know, they're working together again...And then I found – yesterday, when he came in here - I was annoyed with him.” Artie agreed, saying Teddy frequently annoys him because he “just keeps talking” all the time, but Howard balked at trashing the T-man some more: “Teddy's a good guy.”

Jeff the Drunk called in, so Howard asked him about how he spends his day. Jeff cracked up the crew by revealing his favorite cereals (Captain Crunch & Life), which he eats while listening to the show. Jeff said he then does laundry (every other day for some reason) and usually just watches TV the rest of the day. Howard asked Jeff if he'd be open to cutting his bum arm off and attaching one of the new robotic ones, and Jeff said he would – but the arrangement and expenses were up to the show.

Howard played a few clips from last night's “Inside the Porn Actor's Studio” in which Flower Tucci discussed “squirting.” After Richard described squirting as “tears from heaven,” Flower described it's color and viscosity, claiming there was no way it could be urine. Howard then warned everyone before playing a disgusting clip of Flower squirting in one of her films, but Robin nearly vomited anyway, screaming in protest and coughing off-mic.

Sal came in to tell the crew about the not-so profitable garage sale he held recently. A big, “dark,” Haitian looking guy showed up and offered Sal a quarter for a book, but when he realized he didn’t even have a quarter, he asked if he could have it for free and Sal quickly conceded. The guy then intimidated Sal simply by asking if anything else was free, causing Sal's prejudices to get the better of him and he started worrying about the safety of his family. Sal placated the guy with a free box of matchbox cars, which he even carried out to the guy's car and put in his trunk for him.

Sal also revealed that he was so broke (a state he called “negative equity”), he and his family had to take a DIY tour on a city bus on a recent vacation. A caller asked Sal how to get by with “negative equity,” so Sal explained that you write checks and then race to deposit money in your checking account before it's cashed.

Rosie O'Donnell called in to say she used to be scared by the black-t-shirted pot smokers like Howard, but Howard shot back that he was never that cool. Rosie said she was finally convinced to come on the show by her friend Fran Drescher, and Howard asked Rosie if her relationship with another of her friends, Joy Behar, had become strained post-”View.” Rosie would only say that she always looked up to Joy when she was a young comic.

Howard asked if Rosie had ever been with a man, and Rosie said she had: “For over two years.” Howard wondered how Rosie managed to keep her relationship with her first (not current) girlfriend quiet, so Rosie explained that it just used to be easier before the Internet, Perez Hilton and TMZ came along. The crew then got Rosie to comment on her former obsession with Tom Cruise: “I just wanted him to mow my lawn...I think he's in a place [now] where he never wanted to be.”

Rosie told Howard that she was attracted to Angelina Jolie but not Beth O: “She's too perfect...[but] of all the people I sat next to over the year [at “The View”], she was the most doable.” Howard wondered if Rosie was still friends with Madonna: “You can really sit down with her and have a conversation?” Rosie said she could - just like she does with Jane Fonda. Howard then asked Rosie if her marriage was still hot, and Rosie said yes: “I'm very lucky.”

Tito Ortiz stopped by to promote his new book and immediately set in on the UFC. Tito left the company because the fighters aren't being paid boxing-type money – even when their fights break all the boxing pay-per-view records. Tito was so resolute, he refused to even say UFC CEO Dana White's name. Howard asked why the UFC tried to prevent him from speaking with the press after his last fight, so Tito explained that he wasn't sure – but balked at any attempt to blame the judge's decision (in his opponent's favor) on his failing relationship with the company.

Howard wondered why Tito had been unable to impregnate jenna Jameson so far, so Tito replied that they were only casually giving it a go: “Right now, it's fun.” Tito said they'd be willing to consider employing a surrogate if it came down to it, but they're gonna keep trying for the time being. Howard then asked Tito if he'd ever been in a bar fight, but Tito claimed to have avoided them since he began training professionally. The last time he was only nineteen.

• Tatum O'Neal wanted crack because her dog died.

• Bo Diddley is dead.

• Harvey Korman is dead.

• Taylor Swift is red hot.

• Ted Kennedy's surgery was successful.

• New York City is placing another tax on cigarettes.

• Someone stole Kurt Cobain's ashes.

• Children born to fathers over the age of 45 are at great risk.

• Alycia Lane's co-worker was reading her email.

• The voices of “The Simpsons” got yet another raise.

• Ross McGinnis is a hero.

• Hillary might be dropping out.

• Robert Bird has been hospitalized.

• R. Kelly's trial is gross.

• Denise Richards is bitter.

• “Don't Mess with the Zohan” is opening this weekend.