THE SLOW AND THE SEXY
The Howard Stern Show for June 4, 2008

Howard started off the show ribbing Robin for having a cold - despite her previous claim that her new diet prevented all illnesses. Robin countered that she only said she was less susceptible to illness, not immune. Howard thought differently and threatened to go to the tape, and Robin eventually relented: “Fine. Go to the tape. Every time I'm stuffed up, I dread coming in to work, because I have to put up with this.”

Robin said the show might need to do an intervention with Jason over his weight. Jason came in to admit that he has not been exercising, and though he eats well during the week, he lets it all hang out on the weekend: “I go out and I'll get a burger and fries.” Jason also confessed that he was going to get fitted for his wedding's tux this weekend, wasn’t sure how to tell the tailor he was planning on losing “a little” weight.

Howard then made Jason get on the scale – and he came in at 287. Jason said the only thing that got him to lose weight during the Battle of the Blobs contest was the prospect of being weighed on the air, so Howard promised to weigh him once a week. Jason laughed that it was a good thing – and even thanked Howard – as his next hurdle was the fact that the chairs at Will's reception aren't built to withstand more than 250lbs.

The crew, along with frequent caller and “Booey Baiter”, Wolf, next turned their critical lens on Gary, ribbing him for his horrible breath, glittered complexion and, of course, large teeth. Robin joked that the show should replace his office chair with a dentist's chair – an idea Howard actually seemed interested in seeing through. The gang then had a laugh as HowardTV brought up a live feed of Sal wearing the Gary mask on the in-studio monitors. Sal got the biggest laughs when he started brushing “his teeth” with an oversized toothbrush, but Gary retaliated, attacking Sal and beating him with the toothbrush.

Gary came in to tell the crew about the midget who started yelling at him during a dinner party the other night. When he told the little woman where he worked, she began ranting: “Howard is an f’ing asshole!” The angry midget did little to endear herself to Gary, going on to speculate about Howard's doomed relationships – Gary said the funniest part was the giant goblet of wine and cigarette she was waving around as she carried on: “She looked like Baby Fenster.”

Howard welcomed Mark the Bagger, Miss Howard Stern (Andrea) and Bigfoot to the studio to play Jessie Lee, Memphis Monroe and Brooke Scott in a round of “Porn Stars Vs Slow Adults.” Howard took immediate notice of Miss Howard Stern's new breast implants, so Andrea explained: “I wanted silicone and I went a bit bigger.” Howard then turned to Bigfoot, who, among other things, noted that he once took battery acid in the hopes that it might be LSD.

Mark the Bagger told the crew about the people on the posters decorating his room (in his mom's house): John Cena, a few other wrestlers and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar. Mark also said he hoped to move out of his mom's place, as she's starting to cramp his style. As Howard was speculating that Mark's style is cramped more by all the wrestling posters, Bigfoot cut in and confessed that his lawsuit against the state of Vermont was not going well – and he recently shat his pants at an area hospital.

Mark and Bigfoot then confessed that they had their eyes on a couple of the women in-studio: Bigfoot said he liked Memphis Monroe's “healthy” look, and Mark professed his love for Andrea (“I think she's hot!”). Howard used the guys' crushes as an excuse to introduce the porn stars, starting with Brooke. Brooke said she was promoting a film called “F’ Truck,” in which she gets trashed before she films her scene: “I can't even remember what happened...I blacked out.”

Brooke told the crew that she loves to be verbally degraded, so Bigfoot tried his hand at domination: “You rotten f’ing lesbian it is.” Howard also introduced Jessie Lee, who revealed that she recently banged Dave Navarro in his dressing room and reported that Dave liked to be spat on, anally manipulated and “roughed up.” Howard then turned to Memphis, who told a story about blowing a guy through a pizza (he put his penis through a hole in the middle of the pizza): “It was so gross. There was sausage and sauce...” Miraculously, everyone avoided the obvious jokes.

Howard readied the contestants and started in with the questions.

What does CPA stand for? Andrea: “I don't know.” Brooke: “Certified Public Accountant.”

Who said “I have a dream”? Mark: “Dr. Martin Luther King!”

Spell “Rhode Island.” Jessie nailed it.

Who is the Republican nominee for president? Bigfoot: “That Obamer character it is.” Memphis: “It's John McCain.”

Where is your areola? Andrea: “On your breast?”

Who is the current first lady? Brooke: “Barbara Bush?” Mark: “Hillary Clinton?” Jessie: “I don't know.” Bigfoot: “The one that owns that white hat. The one it is from England there it is.” Memphis: “I thought it was Barbara Bush too.” Andrea: “Laura Bush? I saw it on the news.”

What is the last name of TV talk show host Regis? Mark: “Philbin!”

Spell “tomorrow.” Jessie nailed it.

Which side won the Civil War? Bigfoot: “The American side?” Memphis: “The North.”

Who is the vice president of the United States? Andrea: “Dick Cheney?”

Who is Barack Obama's spiritual advisor? No one knew the answer.

What does UN stand for? Brooke: “United Nations.”

Who plays guitar in Van Halen? Bigfoot: “Van Halen does.” Howard wanted a more specific answer, and Brooke had it: “Eddie Van Halen.”

Spell “coffee.” Andrea nailed it.

Spell “Saturday.” Memphis nailed it.

What does the “M” in MTV stand for? Mark: Music!”

What is JFK's last name? Brooke: “Kennedy?”

What is the name of the imaginary line that separates the Northern and Southern hemispheres? Bigfoot: “How am I supposed to know that? Give me another question.” Howard obliged.

What does the D.C. stand for in Washington D.C.? Bigfoot: “Um, D.C...like when you go there to settle up a problem or something.” Jessie: “District of Columbia.”

How much is a dozen? Andrea: “Twelve.”

What is known as the red planet? Memphis: “Mars.”

How many weeks are in a year? Mark: “36?” Brooke: “52.”

According to the Bible, who were the first people on Earth? Bigfoot: “Adam and Eve... Any scientist knows that.”

What year did Columbus sail to America? Memphis: “1661?” Andrea: “1800's?” Jessie: 1492.

What is 5621 times zero? Mark: “5,621.” Brooke: “Zero.”

What planet has a ring around it? Bigfoot: “Jupiter?” Howard was thinking Saturn, but Bigfoot was technically right.

To celebrate their win, the porn stars all stripped off their tops. Bigfoot said he'd loved to see Memphis completely nude, so Memphis took off her bottoms as well. Bigfoot was excited in the creepiest way: “I would eat that all night long...I can get 'em to come...it's a certain method it is. You gotta find the funny bone it is.” Robin asked Mark if he could find the “funny bone” as well, and Mark nodded: “Hell yeah!”

A caller noted that he saw High Pitch Mike on CNN last night, and Howard said he saw it too: Mike was at the Hillary Clinton's post-primary loss speech. Mike came in to say it wasn't first NY Hillary rally he's been to, and he's surprised that he made it on-camera, as he was in the next-to-last row. Howard then played a 10-year-old clip of Mike predicting that a black person would never be president, but Mike responded that he still doesn't think it's gonna happen: “Last night, McCain sealed up the election.”

Steve the Intern came in with a promo for tonight's Intern Show, and Howard asked if it was true that Steve doesn't like being referred to as Steve the Intern, now that he’s no longer an intern. Steve said he was fine with the name from the in-studio crew, but when he's introduced to people touring the studio and offices – particularly if they're hot chicks – he doesn't like being belittled. Gary said he only used the name because that's how Steve's best known to the touring parties, but Steve replied that he'd rather be introduced as “Steve, host of the Intern Show.”

Howard got Bubba the Love Sponge, a close friend of the Hogan family, on the line to explain the strange language the Hogans used on the tapes of Nick Hogan's prison calls. Bubba explained that the language developed among carnies as a way to discuss carnival games in front of customers without letting them in on the scam. Bubba said the wrestling community eventually picked up on it as a way to call out “moves” in the ring without letting the audience know the match was fake/planned out.

Howard and Robin asked why the Hogans would need to use it during a call to/from prison, but Bubba kind of avoided the question. Howard pressed on and played one of the tapes in which Nick and Hulk are talking in the “language.” Brent (Bubba's producer, who was on the line and also speaks the language) interpreted: “The best I can tell, there's something in one of their houses that they don't want the authorities to find.” Bubba agreed: “Nick's not doing the right thing. Nick needs to man up and shut up his mouth and get off the phone. They're recording.”

• The space shuttle needs toilet repairs.

• A girl has been hospitalized after falling from an escalator.

• The universe is expanding – at an accelerating rate.

• Meet the black Hasidim.

• Rev. Pfleger is controversial.

• Obama appears to have clinched the Democratic nomination.

• Will Hillary be the VP nominee?

• Vanity Fair published the worst kept secret in NY: Bill Clinton's relationship with Gina Gershon.

• ...and Gina Gershon denies their affair.

• Dick Cheney made a joke about West Virginia.

• The Universal Studios fire was started by a welding torch.

• Injuries abound on the “Hannah Montana” set.

• Beware of the cyber-bullies.

• Amanda Lucas is an ultimate fighter.