MORE BANG FOR THE BUCK
The Howard Stern Show for December 2, 2008

Howard started off the show playing a message Artie left on Gary's answering machine: "I'm sick as a dog...I'm not on drugs." Robin laughed that Howard should play one of the messages Artie left when he was really on heroin back-to-back with this new one, but Howard refused: "I think they'll sound identical." Howard finally buckled and wondered what Robin was trying to say, so Robin just sighed: "They're the same."

Howard laughed that he felt like an asshole ("I'm naive.") for always believing High Pitch Mike when he claimed he wasn't gay - just like he had when Artie denied his drug addiction(s). Howard said he was, however, able to predict Jackie's departure from the show and played a clip from December 2000 to prove it, in which he said Jackie's contract negotiations were doomed: "Something will go wrong. You will not be back. I told the company you won't be back."

King of all Blacks asked Robin when it was appropriate to wear his mink coat ("I got a hat to match it, too.") but Howard cut in, saying it was too ridiculous to begin with: "I know it's a sign of affluence for you...but it's weird, a street-sweeper wearing a mink." Robin was baffled: "You really think that's a hot look? That's what I can't figure out." Howard told King that he certainly couldn't wear the mink today: "It's 50 degrees. You gotta wait 'til it's cold."

King confessed that he recently had his nose "touched up" and soon hoped to have the bags under his eyes removed. Howard couldn't figure out what King was getting plastic surgery for: "You're not in the movies." King dismissed Howard's argument, saying he'd lost about 38lbs since the crew had seen him last and just wanted to finish what he started.

A caller named Pete claimed to have gotten a handjob from his dermatologist during a wart removal procedure: "At first I didn't believe she was doing it...but then, at the end, up and down rapid motion." Pete said finishing was difficult, as his privates were numbed by local anesthetic. Robin thought the story sounded a little too Penthouse Forum to be legitimate, but Pete kept rolling with details too random and specific to be invented: "She might've even been wearing goggles...she wasn't a ten. She was a 6 or a 7, a little overweight."

Howard got frequent song parody submitter, Joey Pajamas on the phone to discuss some of his classics, including "He's a Fred," "Sal's a 'Mo," "Everybody Loves a Blowjob," a country version of Beetlejuice's "Bad As Can," "Anal Receiver," "Shut the F’ Up and Take Your Shirt Off," "I Just Shat In My Pants Tonight" and "She's Always A Stripper To Me." Joey noted that he now has a real band, Baldwin Drive, and they've got a new album, "Orange and Black."

Howard came up with the idea to sing motivational kid songs in which he and the Losers would perform "Don't Pick On Each Other"-type tunes for schoolchildren. A caller told Howard that there were already songs/performers like that: "They make a ton of money." Emboldened, Howard and Fred then performed a few impromptu songs, including one about safe sex/rubbers and another encouraging kids not to call Jews "kikes." Howard also promised a tune explaining Siobhan the Transsexual for the kids: "I've Got A Pussy and A Penis."

Howard noticed that Robin was wearing comically-large eyelashes, so Robin explained, "I've just been experimenting with false eyelashes." Howard didn't think Robin had them on right: "One is coming off...when you close your eye, it looks like something's in your eye." Robin began vetoing Jason's attempts to take pictures of the unfortunate look: "You're not putting that on the Website. I refuse." Howard told Robin that the look was too odd: "You’ve got a pretty face. You don't need eyelashes."

A caller began boring the crew with his life story, so Howard cut him off and promised to turn his year around with a $1,000 prize. The catch: a successful round of the Beetlejuice Barnyard Game. Howard explained that Richard and Sal recently played a bunch of animal sound effects for Beet and asked him to name the corresponding animal. If the caller could guess which sounds Beet recognized, he'd earn $1,000. Howard then started in with the sound effects:

A rooster's crow. The caller predicted that Beet would say it was a rooster or chicken, but Beet was stumped: "I can't figure it out."

A frog's croak. The caller correctly guessed that Beet would know the answer: "It's a frog!"

Howard then played one more just for fun: a crow's caw. Beetle's response: "It's an f’ing bird!"

Jason came in to report that he exceeded the weight limit for the only two non-bedroom activities he and his new bride had scheduled during their Jamaican honeymoon. He's too fat to go horseback riding - or on a zipline tour through Jamaica's jungle canopy.

Jason laughed that as fat as he is, he wasn't even in the top 10 fattest guys (or top 50 if you counted the women) at the resort: "I would just look for a [bigger] fat guy at the pool and sit near him." Howard wanted to know how much Jason weighed, so Jason stepped on the scale. Howard laughed: "296. Four pounds away." Jason blamed his weight on his lifestyle ("I eat bad. I don't exercise.") and added that he smokes some weed, which contributes significantly to his laziness/munchies.

Jason also explained how he (and his wife) “Naired” his back before the honeymoon, noting what a disgusting job it was. However, even that beat waxing as the last time he got his back waxed he had to pay double the normal rate and the woman doing the waxing kept calling him a bear.

Howard played a message from Jeff the Drunk in which the disabled alcoholic asked for more money. Howard laughed that he had a contest for Jeff to play: "It's called the Get An F’ing Job contest." Robin riffed: "You'll give him a thousand dollars if he can get a job and hold it for a year." Later, Jeff called in to complain that he hadn't been in studio at all in 2008, so Howard extended a special holiday invitation.

Howard welcomed Alana Love, the Bunny Ranch's 20-year-old pregnant prostitute, and asked her how she got knocked up. Alana explained how she hooked up with an ex-boyfriend, got drunk and ended up in his parent’s bed. Alana said she'd only worked one day as a prostitute so far, and tries to wear things that show off her belly: "Guys seem to love it, actually." Howard asked why she didn't want to get an abortion, but she explained how she thought the baby was a gift. Alana's baby’s daddy, Everett then called in to deny that it was his kid, saying she was sleeping with a lot of men at the time of conception: "That's a sick bitch."

Howard wondered if Alana was worried about contracting an STD that could hurt the baby, but she explained that she always used protection and took weekly STD tests. Alana added that she was due on Valentine's day and planned to work throughout January - and return to the Ranch as soon as possible after the birth. Alana then whipped out her breasts and Howard was shocked: "Wow! Those are huge! Those are some big melons."

In an extra creepy moment, Will came in to butter Alana up, saying he was very attracted to her and loved pregnant chicks: "They're so full of life...would you get on the Sybian?" Howard wondered if it was safe for a pregnant woman to ride the Sybian, so Tim Sabean came in to say he was worried: "The vibration might bust the rivets in her..." Alana cut in to help an obviously uncomfortable Tim out: "It might break my water? You guys'll ruin my career!"

Obama gave his wife a "thank you" ring.

Gay men are more likely to be left-handed, have younger brothers and have hair that twirls in a counter-clockwise direction.

Plaxico Burress faces up to 5 years in jail.

"True Blood’s" first season is over.

Some dude killed himself live on the Internet.

Bush says he didn't expect to be a wartime president.

Obama named his National Security team.

The bodies of the Jewish couple killed in Mumbai have been returned to Israel.

Wal-Mart is trying to pass the blame after one of their employees was trampled on Black Friday.

Black Friday didn't help record sales.

Britney Spears performed live on "Good Morning America."

Marg Helgenberger is now single.

Ivana Trump is getting divorced - again.

Tina Fey's husband has explained the scar her chin.

An arrest has been made in the murders of Jennifer Hudson's family members.

Samuel L. Jackson was presented with the American Cinematheque Award.

"Slumdog Millionaire" is generating Oscar buzz.

They've remade "The Punisher."

Josh Brolin co-stars in "Milk."