BENICIO, BOOEY AND JACK
The Howard Stern Show for January 7, 2009

Artie started off the show defending the wellness center where he'd been staying in Miami: "To me, it was a rehab, because I had to stop whatever I was doing immediately...it's a heavy place. You gotta go to meetings and shit." Artie added that his blood tests distressed the facility's doctors, and the wheatgrass enemas were actually effective: "You're supposed to hold it in there for as long as possible...I got applause for one of 'em."

Robin explained that the method Artie described was called a "retention enema," so Artie replied that all he was retaining was his hatred for Robin: "The first enema was hurting my ass...but [the therapist] had it in me, so I took an eight-hour shit...it sounded like a machine gun. It was the most relaxing...I lost weight from shit! My waistband [size] changed."

Artie said he was even able to reach a therapy breakthrough without the help of a synthetic withdrawl-inhibitor: "I never in my life have gotten past that fourth hell day. I always pussy out and take a Subutex...I had eight days of raw food, man. For me, that's hard time."

Artie complained about the show's lengthy discussions of his absence, leading Howard to say his hand was forced: "I can't say to my audience, you know, 'Artie's not here, we don't know what's going on.'" Robin asked why Artie's return date kept bumping up, so Artie explained that he'd promised his sister he'd stay three weeks - she's now not talking to him because he came back early - but he had to be in NYC to facilitate an upcoming Rolling Stone profile.

Howard wondered where Artie was trying to head with all this, so Artie joked: "Book two...I'll tell you what, the first drug test I fail, I'll leave the show." Robin didn't think that was a good idea, and Howard agreed: "If you fail your drug test, you have to make out with High Pitch Mike...[or] you gotta go to a real rehab for a month. 30 days, locked down, and we get to pick the rehab." Artie agreed to the rehab terms and blamed his recent troubles on a girl he'd met: "She's a bad influence...she's what you call fun."

Howard told Artie: "I agree with [the theory] that you haven't hit rock bottom. You're doing too well. The book's still on the bestseller list..." Howard then switched gears, asking about the pictures that surfaced of Artie walking around in Miami with a baseball bat in hand, so Artie explained: "I would take a walk every morning and I took a bat along and I would swing the bat every once in a while. Just for exercise."

Lisa G reported that Sal's dad left for Sicily a year ago and returned, as promised, for the holidays, only to turn around and head back once the holidays were over – despite having a wife (!) and family here in the states. Sal came in to explain that his father might have another family in Italy - one time his uncle got drunk and pulled out out his wallet and showed Sal some pictures, telling Sal that they were his step-brothers and sisters: "I never said another word about it." Sal said his parents still get along somehow - he's only seen his mom talk back to his father once, almost 30 years ago: "And it was the worst day of my life. We learned from that day to go with the flow. I remember it frame by frame."

Benicio Del Toro stopped by to promote "Che," his latest film, and Howard asked him if he'd ever consider full-frontal nudity on-screen. Benicio laughed: "Only if I was the one in charge...if I was the director, producer and only audience [member]." The crew also wondered about how far Benicio had taken some of his method acting practices, so Benicio explained that he'd put cigarettes out on his wrist and gained 40lbs for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: "It f’ed me up."

Howard asked if Benicio’s behavior could be rooted in a rough childhood, and Benicio admitted that he lost his mother at an early age. Benicio added that it wasn't all bad - his stepmother sent him off to boarding school, where he started getting laid at the age of 13. From there, Benicio moved on to college and then the beds of every starlet in Hollywood: Alicia Silverstone ("You know, for a little while."), Heather Graham ("We're cool."), Sara Foster ("I let it happen. I don't force it."), Amber Smith ("That doesn't count.") and Lindsay Lohan ("Where?").

Benicio told the crew that each half of "Che" took 39 days to film and locations spanned the globe: Spain, Puerto Rico, Mexico and Bolivia. Artie asked Benicio how many girls he gets in Puerto Rico ("You must be like a national hero."), so Benicio laughed: "Like a baseball player." Benicio said he particularly enjoyed the historical and character research he did for the role: "It was fun...it's good for the noodle."

After a while, Benicio asked if he could take a shot of Jack Daniels, so Gary came in to pour him one. Benicio shot it back and asked Howard if it was true that he dictates the length of the show. Artie laughed that Howard had been doing it for years: "He's the godfather." Howard, in turn, asked Benicio if (as he’s claimed in the past) he'd really banged Scarlett Johansson in an elevator, but Benicio just deadpanned: "Yeah we got caught in there. There's a video of it. You can get it somewhere. Pay to play!"

Eric the Midget called in to talk about spending New Year's Eve at the Bunny Ranch, so Gary came in to tell Howard that Eric took some nude pictures that evening and the pictures are circulating on the Internet. HowardTV pulled up the pictures on the in-studio monitors, and everyone was disgusted. Eric wasn't quite nude - disturbingly, he obscured his genitals with one of his deformed hands.

Barbara Walters has talked with Patrick Swayze about his bout with cancer.

The Stooges' Ron Asheton is dead.

Oprah can’t believe she’s fat again.

An Australian woman set her husband's genitals on fire.

Women can have an orgasm during childbirth.

Obama is considering CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be the next Surgeon General .

Things must be bad, porn sales are down.

Missile strikes continue from Gaza .

Senator designate Roland Burris was turned away from Congress yesterday.

"American Idol" has a new judge.

Kate Hudson is the mastermind behind "Bride Wars."