THE FOOT IS BIG, IT IS
The Howard Stern Show for May 1, 2007

Howard started this morning by taking a call from a man, Jim, who claimed he went to etiquette school and felt Howard wasn’t rude when he left Gary’s party early Saturday night. However, before Jim was able to explain his theory, Robin noted she thought it would’ve been acceptable for Howard to have left a party with 500 guests instead of 16, which led him to insist he wasn’t going to listen to Robin seeing as she didn’t even show up at the party. Meanwhile Artie, who was an hour late himself, noted that Fred was the only one in the studio who had “any credible” on the subject. Given this, Fred commented he felt Howard was out of line for leaving, while Jim added there was “an exception” to departing parties early, which involved “excessive exhaustion due to boredom,” which got a laugh from everyone in the studio. Gary then came into the studio and pointed out that, not only was Benjy missing again this morning, but that everyone seemed to think Howard was wrong for leaving, yet he still had an excuse for each of them.

Howard went on to play a clip from yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show,” of Artie saying that Howard’s departure “affected the mood” at the table after he left, and that he believed he was “just wrong” for what he did. As Howard insisted he had fun at Gary’s party and that he liked the food, Robin continued to criticize his behavior, and he responded by referring to her as “the rudest person in the world.” Howard next played a tape of Ralph on “The Wrap Up Show” expressing his negative opinion about what Howard did, as well as one of Tim Sabean, who remained neutral on the subject.

Howard mentioned he didn’t understand why Artie wasn’t taking any heat for not only being an hour late, but also getting a tour of Gary’s new house as soon as he arrived, which made the dinner even later. When he heard that, though, Artie said to Howard, “What do you think, I walked in with a sign that said: ‘Give me a tour’?” and asked Gary to come back in to identify “the rudest asshole” at the party. Gary then entered and explained Artie did, in fact, push back the start time of the dinner by an hour, and as Howard said he felt Artie was “wrong” for doing so, Artie acknowledged he was to blame for being late, but added he didn’t appreciate that Howard still wasn’t apologizing for what he did. However, Howard then acknowledged he was sorry...that Artie was late.

While Robin brought up the subject of Gary’s wife, Mary, packing a dessert for Howard and Beth to take with them, Howard pointed out that, to him, Robin didn’t sound like she was sick. Robin claimed, though, that she was “stuffed up” even this morning, and that she spent Saturday night alone in her house “wishing she was at the party.”

Following a clip of an etiquette expert discussing the proper way to leave a party early, a caller said he didn’t put much credence in Robin’s and Artie’s opinions on the matter because one didn’t show up and the other was, he guessed, dressed sloppily complete with Timberlands, which Howard reported was true.

Sour Shoes called in and immediately played a number of songs before launching into his Scott Ferrall impression. This led Howard to say he thought Sour Shoes was “a genius” who happened to be “40 years old and still living with his parents.” After Howard joked he was going to hire Sour Shoes to play at his wedding, Artie pointed out he would’ve preferred if Sour Shoes had performed at Gary’s party instead of the chamber musicians he did have there. Howard then did his own impression of Cousin Brucie as Sour Shoes sang “Stayin’ Alive” and “Crimson and Clover,” both as himself and as Ferrall.

Howard announced the show got a sneak preview of “Spider-Man 3” yesterday, and that he considered it “a satisfying meal” that made him “full.” Howard went on to say he thought Tobey Maguire was “a perfect Spider-Man,” and added he really enjoyed the story as well as the special effects. Howard then noted he gave the movie “seven stars out of four,” which Robin pointed out she didn’t think was possible although Howard insisted it was.

Robin then said she also loved Tobey’s performance in the film, even though she admitted she felt some of the scenes “went on too long.” Howard went on to say he’d heard Jon Hein didn’t like the movie, and Jon came into the studio to say his major problem in it was “all the singing,” but also said he thought Tobey was “fantastic” and that the special effects were “incredible.”

Following two new prank calls – including one featuring various clips of Gary and the other of Richard calling a woman who was selling a bookshelf and wheelbarrow – Howard played a clip of Kenneth Keith Kallenbach explaining to someone from Howard TV how he had to blow into a court-ordered contraption in his car in order for it to start due to the number of DUIs he has. Howard then got Kenneth on the line, who reported he’d been arrested eight times for driving under the influence. Kenneth went on to say he used to perform at gigs with his payment being only “train fare and beer,” and that he was still doing standup comedy even though Howard ended the call before he could offer any of his new material.

Howard played a song the Rev. Bob Levy wrote for Robin, which led Howard to ask if she’d ever date Bob, and she said she wouldn’t. Howard then noted a friend of his, Al Rosenberg, also wanted to go out with Robin, but she said that, despite the fact she “loved” him, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever see him in a romantic manner. Howard proceeded to point out he knew Al was “a real family man” who’d also recently lost more than 70 pounds, and Robin acknowledged she didn’t recognize Al when she saw him yesterday.

When Sal came into the studio to say he thought Al looked like “an empty garbage bag” given his weight loss, he also brought up that a black family had moved into a house down the street from him, but that it didn’t bother him. In fact, Sal also mentioned he thought the black people who moved in by him were “the good ones,” explaining he felt the African Americans who moved into nice neighborhoods were the people who “worked hard.”

Sal went on to say, though, that he was “concerned” the value of his house would decrease because black people were now on his block, but insisted he had no plans to move.

After Howard discussed the struggling ratings on terrestrial radio, Howard brought up that he and Fred had known each other for almost 30 years, remembering they met in Hartford in 1979. This led Robin to say she was happy for Howard’s and Fred’s near-30th anniversary, and wished them “30 more.” Howard then read more news about terrestrial radio, including an article from an expert who predicted no one would ever have a bigger impact on terrestrial radio than Howard did.

Bigfoot came into the studio and mentioned that, despite his size, someone tried to mug him in the city last night. Howard then brought up a recent phone call Bigfoot made to Richard, in which he claimed he was being discriminated against and that he was wise to certain government cover-ups, and Bigfoot replied the problem was getting “worser and worser.” Howard then asked Bigfoot if he was losing his teeth, which he admitted he was, before saying he was suing landlords in his home state of Vermont because they allegedly wouldn’t rent apartments to him for a fair cost because they thought he had more money than he did given his role on the show. Bigfoot went on to reveal he made only $40 from the CD he was promoting the last time he was on the show, and Howard played portions of it in the background, including Bigfoot mumbling over the studio recordings of Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” as well as the Eagles’ “Hotel California.”

Bigfoot claimed he last had sex a month ago before revealing he wasn’t homeless because he was sleeping in a secret location without paying rent. Howard then took a call from “Vermont,” who was played by Richard, and “Vermont” warned Bigfoot that he’d never live in the state. Bigfoot responded by yelling back at “Vermont” and saying he didn’t want to reside there before denying the state’s claim that New Hampshire didn’t want him either.

Howard asked Bigfoot how he earned money, and he responded that he ran “an escort business, it is.” Bigfoot proceeded to explain he bought beer and pills for one particular escort, and that he got a cut of the money she earned. This led Robin to ask why the woman gave her money to him, and he said it was because she treated him like her “little rump dog.” Bigfoot went on to acknowledge he didn’t know how Howard could help him with his problem with Vermont, and talked about how he didn’t fit into any of the cliques in the state. Robin then asked Bigfoot why he lived in Vermont if he wasn’t welcome there, and he told her it was because it was the only state he knew, and that since he couldn’t read, he didn’t want to move because he’d then have to try to read maps.

Bigfoot noted his mother was currently mad at him and that they hadn’t seen each other since they visited his father in a hospital, although he didn’t say when that was. When Bigfoot revealed his father was in the hospital at the time because he was having problems with his bowels, he admitted he had been bleeding from his rectum himself lately, and that one of his friends got mad at him for defecating in his toilet because of the blood he left in it.

Howard then got Bigfoot’s mother, Mary, on the line, and she reported she loved her son although she also acknowledged it was sometimes difficult to get along with him. Howard next asked Mary why Bigfoot never learned to read, but she replied that she didn’t know. Bigfoot then acknowledged he didn’t know his mom “cared” about him, and added their falling out stemmed from his father’s remark when he was young that he and his brother, Jeff, “wouldn’t amount to anything.” Upon hearing that, though, Howard commented that it seemed to him like Bigfoot’s dad was accurate in his prediction, but Bigfoot said that wasn’t the case because he was on Howard’s show.

Howard advised Mary to try to help Bigfoot with his life, but she said she couldn’t because she had to care for her sick husband. However, Artie felt Bigfoot should at least be in a hospital, and, out of nowhere, Bigfoot informed his mom that he’d been in “two love triangles,” which she acknowledged was something she didn’t know. Bigfoot then said he didn’t want to go into any facility – or, as he put it, “‘cility” – because he refused to “feel like a prisoner.” Mary then revealed that she was told when Bigfoot was young that he was mentally slow, but again insisted she didn’t know what to do with him now.

After Howard ended Mary’s call, he told Bigfoot his landlord was on the phone, and proceeded to play the voicemail Alec Baldwin left for his daughter last month, and Bigfoot argued with him while also doing the same thing when Howard played a tape from last year of Artie yelling about Ralph owing him money. A caller then wanted to know how Bigfoot was allowed to drive a car without knowing how to read, and he explained it was because he was given an oral test, not a written one, when he got his license. Bigfoot added, though, that he was able to identify traffic signs, but couldn’t read the label on Artie’s can of Hawaiian Punch when asked to do so.

Artie then asked Bigfoot how his friend who got mad at him for defecating in his toilet saw the blood in it if he flushed the toilet, but Bigfoot acknowledged he might not have done that. In fact, Bigfoot also pointed out that, even if he did flush, his waste “can be quite a load at times,” so he wasn’t sure it all went down anyway. Howard proceeded to play clips of Lily Tomlin’s outburst on the set of “I Heart Huckabees” as well as tapes of Gary yelling, and Bigfoot once again fell for it and argued back with both of them.

Howard had comedian, Jim “The Psychic Madman” Karol, into the studio to pull a playing card from a woman’s vagina. However, when the “woman” walked into the studio, Jim discovered that it was Siobhan the Transsexual and he would have to be pulling the card from “her” surgically created “vagina.” After Siobhan revealed she was interested in dating Luke Wilson, whom she had heard was looking for a girlfriend, Jim had Howard pick a card from a deck and tear the corner off it. Jim then had Siobhan remove her underwear and, she not only pulled out a card she claimed wasn’t there before, but it was the same card with the corner torn off that Howard had taken out of the deck. Siobhan next admitted she had put a few items in her underwear – including a condom and a cat toy – for “a bit,” but that the card was Jim’s doing.

Jim proceeded to have Sal sit in a special chair that would shock him if he lied. Howard went on to ask Sal the following questions, along with Sal’s responses:

• Do you love your wife? Sal said no, which didn’t get him any shocks.

• Do you have a son named Antonio? Sal responded yes, and he was telling the truth.

• Do you have a son named Marco? Sal said no, which was again the truth.

• Do you like black people? Sal replied yes, which was the truth.

• Are you upset black people have moved on your block? Although Sal claimed his answer of “no” was truthful, the chair revealed he was lying because he got a shock.

• Are you sexually attracted to men? Again, Sal said no but he got a shock for his response.

• Have you ever had a gay experience? Sal said no, and although the chair didn’t shock him, Siobhan pointed out Sal “flinched” after he said it.

• Do you ever dream about sucking my penis? Sal said no, but he got a shock.

Richard then got on the chair and here’s what happened:

• Did you grow up in Kansas? Richard said yes, which was true.

• Is your name Richard Christy? Again, Richard’s response of yes was the truth.

• Have you ever f’ed a farm animal? Richard said no and he was telling the truth.

• Are you attracted to Sal’s penis? Richard said yes, which was again accurate.

• Would you suck Sal’s penis? When Richard replied no, he got shocked.

• Have you ever had a gay experience? After some clarification, Richard claimed he hadn’t, and he was telling the truth.

• Do you love your girlfriend? Richard said yes and he didn’t get a shock.

• Do you like me? Richard responded yes, which was true.

• Are you sexually attracted to me? Richard was shocked when he said no.

• Do you think I’m a nice person? Richard noted he did, which was true.

After some more questions for Sal, JD, Gary, Benjy and Artie all refused to give the chair a shot. Howard also mentioned Jim had memorized more than 80,000 zip codes, and he went on to identify the areas of a number of zip codes that people in the studio threw out. In addition, Artie and Fred named random dates and Jim was able to pick out the days of the week they fell on.

Howard had Marty, the man who runs his favorite chess Website, the I.C.C. , into the studio to talk about the game. Marty mentioned Howard was getting better at chess, although he still didn’t consider him to be an expert player. Howard then pointed out he enjoyed the Website because it was officiated and it also allowed him to talk to other players. When Robin wondered if, as a beginner, she’d be allowed to join Marty’s Website, and he said she could. This led Artie to ask if Marty was “okay with the black thing,” which made him laugh. Robin also added she could be “white on the Internet,” while Howard recommended she make her handle to suggest that she was a Caucasian.

• The NFL Network’s Rich Eisen’s wife intercepted lewd photographs he received from a woman through e-mail.

• Rosie O’Donnell may be back on television soon.

• A baby was born to a Congresswoman for the first time in more than a decade.

• Phil Spector’s trial was put on hold because his lawyer is ill.

• Green Day covered John Lennon’s “Working Class Hero” for a charity CD.

• Rallies by immigrants will be held throughout the country today.

• Tony Snow returned yesterday as White House press secretary following cancer surgery.

• The funeral for Congresswoman Juanita Millender-McDonald was held yesterday.

• Boy George was arrested for assaulting a man.

• Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced she’s pregnant.

• Sarah Silverman will be hosting this year’s MTV Movie Awards.

• “American Idol” will honor Bon Jovi tonight.

• Mark Burnett and Roma Downey got married.