The Best of the Week January 12 - 16
The Howard Stern Show for January 16, 2009

DR. DREW DEFENDS CELEBRITY REHAB
Dr. Drew stopped by to promote the upcoming season of "Celebrity Rehab: Sober House," and Howard asked him if he felt like he was taking advantage of sick people by putting them on TV. Drew admitted it had the potential to exploitative, but the trade-off was threefold: 1. the celebrities do get good treatment; 2. the cameras and publicity motivate them to stay strong; 3. the show helps them serve as an example to others struggling with addiction.

Artie asked if Drew would have Jeff Conaway back for a third season/try, but Drew refused: "No. I'm done." Artie told Drew about the "wellness center" where he kicked drugs over the Christmas break and asked if it sounded legit to him. Drew was honest: "In my experience with opiates, there are four outcomes: death, recovery, using or replacement...it seems to me [after reading your book] that you want to join your dad...you deserve a better life."

THE DOCTOR TREATS THE STERN SHOW
Howard wondered how the show should go about testing Artie for drugs, and Drew recommended that they be sure not to give him the opportunity to cheat - for a urine test, someone should watch to make sure it's really Artie's "penis in the cup." Artie objected, but Gary assured him he would be quite close: "Artie, I love you, but I don't think you're above buying urine." Artie said he wouldn't do it if Gary had to see "penis in the cup": "I don't have the Whizzinator...I don't know one person who doesn't do drugs or drink! Who am I gonna pay [for urine]?"

The crew thought Artie might be more agreeable if Lisa G were the one to watch Artie put his penis in the cup, but Artie didn't think so: "If my penis is out in a room with Lisa G, it's going in her mouth." Howard then asked Drew about Robin's addiction to colonics, and while Drew had his reservations, he admitted, "It seems to be working for her."

SIR PAUL SINGS FOR THE LADIES
Sir Paul McCartney stopped by to promote his latest project, "Electric Arguments," and presented Howard with a signed Hofner bass, just like the one he plays. Howard was blown away and thanked him - and promptly started in with the questions, asking if the record's darker tone "could be" due to his recent divorce.

Howard asked Paul how he liked single life, so Paul complained it was getting pretty bad - all he has to do is greet a woman in public (like Christie Brinkley or Renee Zellweger) and the media immediately reports that he's dating them. Robin wondered if Paul had, as rumored, dated Rosanna Arquette, but Paul would only say that "there were some ladies during that summer that I dated."

WAS JOHN HOT FOR PAUL?
Howard asked what Paul thought about the rumors that John Lennon might have been in love with him, and Paul went off: "We spent many drunken nights together and nothing like that ever [came out]...You can make up theories about anything, and particularly with the Beatles, that's what happens." Robin then threw her hat into the ring, saying she'd like to fill John's shoes: "You need someone to be with...I think we'd be very happy together. I'm low-maintenance." Paul, however, turned her down.

Reminded of Ringo's recent "no more signatures" video, Paul said, "You've got to love Ringo. The truth is, Ringo was always like that. Fans would come to his door and he would say 'piss off.'" Howard wondered how Ringo ever joined the band, so Paul explained: "We were just a fan of Ringo's drumming...one night Pete [Best] was ill, and Ringo sat in and we were like, 'Oh.'"

JIM BREUER: UNBAKED
Jim Breuer stopped by to promote his upcoming comedy gigs, and Howard asked him if he could ever – like his friend Jim Florentine did – date Robin. Jim said there was no way, as his father was a giant racist. Howard also wondered if Jim's pot use ever escalated into harder drugs, but Jim denied it, saying he even gave up weed recently. Jim explained how he started smoking it "for the giggles" but quit when it turned into something ugly.

Howard asked how Jim's negotiations Sirius/XM went bad, so Jim explained that he wanted a different schedule - the show now airs once a week, on Fridays, for a couple hours. Jim said he no longer does the show with his former co-host, Pete Correale, and instead brings on his father, who's 84 and frequently shits his pants: "It's funny and it's not funny...once it comes on, you've got about eight seconds to find the toilet."

THE BIRTH OF GOATBOY
Jim told the crew how he used to get stoned and go to the zoo and cry at the gorilla cage and laugh at the goats: "So when I went to SNL, I pitched a character where a guy has Tourette's but it comes out like a goat, and the more he drinks, the more the goat comes out...so the original ["Goatboy"] sketch was a guy who goes to a party and has a drink and says, 'So I'm from Long Isla-eheheheheheh!'"

LIBYAN MISSLES IN AISLE 12
A caller referenced the time Jim called in a bomb threat into a Sears where he worked, so Jim explained that it started with a co-worker in the store's hardware department who took his job too seriously. Jim went in the back and called the guy as Libyan leader "Muammar Qaddafi," threatening to send six Libyan missiles to the hardware department of the Sears in Valley Stream, NY. In a panic, the hardware guy evacuated the store (and the surrounding mall). Jim eventually had to meet with the president of Long Island Sears stores - who cracked up over the story.

MEET MOMMA'S REJECTS
Howard welcomed three ladies to the studio to play "Dumb as a Rock," a trivia game in which the prizes were plugs and the punishment was having to say "I'm as dumb as a rock."

The first contestant, Cara, had been on NBC's "Momma's Boy" and was had also visited the Stern Show before, as Andy Dick's "girlfriend." Howard asked Cara about dating Andy, so she claimed that they were just friends – though Andy told people otherwise - and they never had sex.

The second contestant, Meghan Allen, was also from "Momma's Boy" and laughed that, like Cara, she'd been rejected on the show by a handsome bachelor's mom.

Meghan said she'd also been a contestant on "Fear Factor" with her fiancée, but she had to leave him after he got another girl pregnant (just a month before their wedding). Cara added that she was currently dating a player on the New Jersey Nets, and yes, he is African-American, but Cara claimed her parents had no problem with that...her grandparents were a different story though.
BRITNEY STEVENS DID HER SISTER
The third contestant, porn star Britney Stevens, claimed to have starred in over 200 porn films (including “Face F’ng 3” and “Sluttier and Sluttier”) and cited a double anal scene as the most difficult to film: "I like what I do and I like getting penetrated."

Britney added that her little sister was also a porn star - and they once got it on: "We were a little drunk and having an orgy and our friends wanted to see us eat each other out." No big deal...

DUMB AS A ROCK
Howard then started in with the questions:

What did Barrack Obama do for a living before becoming President?
Cara got it right: "Senator!"

What country is Israel currently fighting? Meghan confessed she didn't know the answer: "I'm as dumb as a rock?" Britney didn't know either: "I don't know. I was gonna say the Germans...I'm as dumb as a rock." Cara also failed to answer correctly.

Spell Illinois. Meghan got it right!

What is the symbol for the Roman numeral ten? Britney had no idea: "A one and a 'V'?...I'm as dumb as a rock." Cara also failed: "I'm as dumb as a rock."

What is a carnivore? Meghan: "A big truck?...I'm as dumb as a rock." Britney also dropped the ball.

Who is the former leader of Iraq? Cara knew the answer: "Saddam Hussein."

Meghan also knew the next answer, so it came down to a sudden death round:

How much would 8 gallons of gasoline cost? Cara knew it was $10.

What does HD stand for? Meghan knew: "High definition television."

Who was the Republican Presidential nominee? Cara failed to answer correctly ("I'm as dumb as a rock.") so Meghan went for the steal ("McCain.") - and won!

RICHARD LEWIS IS ALL OVER THE PLACE
Richard Lewis stopped by to promote his upcoming comedy gigs and Howard immediately brought up his champagne "addiction.” Richard corrected him saying that it was crystal meth, not champagne, that he was addicted to and wondered why Howard always says the same thing every time he comes in. Richard began yelling at Artie to admit he was a drug addict (Artie readily obliged), tossing off his microphone in the process: "You're in denial, Artie. It's a deathwish, man." Artie admitted he had a problem but thought "deathwish" was going a bit far: "I know it's hard to believe, but I don't wanna die." Richard, as a fellow addict, didn’t believe it though.

Howard asked if Richard's problems were rooted in his (infamously negative) relationship with his mother, but Richard disputed it, saying, "She's neurotic...[but] now she's dead." Howard then noticed Richard's over-groomed eyebrows, leading Richard to confess: "How can you see through the Ray-Bans? I did a little tweezing." Richard tried to deflect by mentioning his co-headliner Richard Belzer's band, The Belzonics.

DICK'S OTHER ADDICTIONS
Richard said he also used to be addicted to enemas: "I have some memories from back in the day of when I was loaded...to have them stick it in my ass and squirt the water was a trip." Howard asked Richard if he had any friends other than these memories, so Richard cited a painter named Carl who'd been his best friend for over 25 years. Richard added that he recently had a great experience on the Craig Ferguson show, as Craig interviews without the assistance of pre-interview notes.