ATTENTION DAVID SPADE
The Howard Stern Show for June 2, 2009

Howard started off the show saying how much he enjoyed last night's 'Point Counter Pointless' special, the Steve Langford-moderated debate between John the Stutterer or High Register Sean. Howard noted that John didn't seem to enjoy the show as much - according to Tim Sabean, John had a "mini-breakdown" after the show and swore to never work with Sean again.

Howard got Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling on the phone to ask why he had turned down the opportunity to be the show's next roast honoree. Jackie was honest: "I walk in there and get my balls busted on a regular basis. I didn't feel like being a target. I get enough of it." Howard wondered if Jackie would do it at the Friar's Club, and Jackie waffled: "I don't know what I would say. I guess I would do it...[but] you're not trying to honor me."

Artie told Jackie it'd be easy, joking: "You come in here and sit down and 40 comics who you used to f’ over on the road will come in and insult you." Artie added that he went overboard while insulting Jackie at the last roast: "I said some shit that was downright rude and so did everyone else...I think Jackie got scared." Jackie said he wasn't scared: "I didn't want to come in and be uncomfortable for an hour."

Jackie plugged his new joke-generating iPhone application - formerly banned by Apple but now allowed thanks to the advent of parental controls - leading Robin to ask if it had any practical uses. Jackie shot back, referencing Robin's frequent colonics: "You press the button and try to cheer yourself up when there's a tube up your ass."

Ham Hands Bill rolled in to judge some wanna-be Playboy centerfolds and told the crew he was a worthy judge given the 100’s of megabytes of porn on his computer. His favorite films feature open-mouth bukkake: "When they [finish] inside [the girl's mouth], it's much better." Howard asked Bill if, despite being paralyzed, he still had feeling in his penis, and Bill confirmed he did - he learned the hard way, while the nurse was inserting his catheter for the first time after his accident.

Bill then told the crew about dating a young girl who wanted to remain a virgin: "So she gave me her behind...she started pulling [down] her own panties after she felt my hard dick between her butt cheeks." Howard joked, "What happened to this girl? Did they ever find her?" and turned to fellow judge Lou Bellera, who told the crew he and his wife, Amy Fisher, weren't planning to make another porno: "But we live in a capitalist world, and we have to pay the bills."

The first Playboy evaluation contestant, Aisha, came in and said she'd appeared in Playboy special editions before, but had yet to become a centerfold: "I think a lot of girls sleep their way up there and I think that's really f’ed up and want to get up there honestly."

She added that her conservative Muslim parents don't approve and used to beat her, but she still sees them: "I guess because they gave me life and shit."

Aisha then took off her top and everyone was blown away. Artie broke out his usual "She's the hottest chick we've ever had up here" and Ham Hands had one simple question: "Are you completely shaven?" Aisha confirmed she was. Ham Hands then told her she had "nice firm breasts" but decided she wasn't centerfold-quality due to her "chicken legs."

Lou agreed: "Your tits have to be raised up a little. They're drooping a little. Chicken legs yes. And on a girl I like a nice ass...not for me." Ralph thought Aisha had a beautiful face but took issue with her footwear: "Why are you wearing flip-flops?" Artie laughed: "This is why Ralph is great. If she stood here for four years like that I wouldn't notice that she's wearing flip-flops."

The second contestant, Stacey, impressed Artie: "Why even bother with the evaluation? Just send her to Playboy...can a gay guy in the room tell me what kind of shoes she's wearing?"

Ralph answered that she was wearing stripper heels. Howard told Stacey she was definitely a "hardbody" and looked like Paris Hilton. Stacey said she gets that a lot: "Especially when I have my shades on." Artie thought there might be other reasons: "Are you as dumb as a rock?"

Ham Hands tried to persuade Stacey to disrobe further: "Will you pull down your bottom a little bit so Howard can see? Sometimes a picture can make a difference...turn around one more time please. And bend over...I would say yes." Lou didn't like Stacey any better than Aisha: "I think she's too tall. Too lanky. Too thin. The legs are too thin...I'm very particular." Ralph agreed: "She's a 10 in a strip club...maybe a nosejob would get you [there]."

Ham Hands had a question for Stacy: "Has your boyfriend ever bukkake'd your face?" Stacy replied, "Of course," but had no answer to Ham Hands' next question: "Was your mouth open?"

Howard then promised both girls that he'd pass their photos along to Playboy.

Gilbert Gottfried stopped by to sit in on Robin's News and bragged that he was enjoying the free water and coffee provided by SiriusXM. Howard asked Gilbert about his new baby boy, but Gilbert avoided the question - instead doing an impression of David Brenner. Gilbert went on to say his son seemed to have an enormous penis for a baby: "That's why I like being so short. It makes my dick look bigger."

Gilbert reported that he wasn't in the delivery room for his son's birth: "I was there for the first one but not the second...I like the idea of the guy in the waiting room pacing with a cigarette...I don't like childbirth even when it's simulated in sitcoms." Artie joked: "Gilbert wanted to be present at the second birth, but he wasn't born at Yuk Yuk's in Toronto."

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Eliot Spitzer paid for hookers with money orders.

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NY Governor Paterson wants to legalize gay marriage.

That Brazil-bound Air France flight is still missing.

Sade has a new album coming out.