CRYSTAL CLEAR CONFUSION
The Howard Stern Show for April 21, 2006

Howard started the show mentioning he didn’t get much sleep last night, largely because he’s been trying to lose weight and has, therefore, been going to bed hungry. Howard added he called into Bubba the Love Sponge’s show yesterday afternoon spending an hour-and-a-half on the air and then later called into “The Super Fan Roundtable” as well. Howard explained the roundtable panelists were discussing how they felt he was “sabotaging” Beth’s chances of being on “Dancing with the Stars” by revealing how much she could make if she appears on it. However, Howard pointed out he had to call in after hearing that because Beth not only told him what her salary would be, but also gave him permission to divulge the information.

Howard went on to say after he watched “Survivor” and “Smallville,” he was hungry, so he decided to pleasure himself instead of eating. Howard said, though, he believed Jerry Falwell was responsible for installing his new high-definition setup, because ever since it was hooked up, his Time Warner Cable porn has disappeared from his service. Given this, Howard ended up “accidentally” finishing to a scene from “The Devil in Miss Jones,” which is a movie in his own collection, in which its star, Savannah Samson, was getting pierced.

Howard told how Beth called him from Phoenix while he was masturbating last night and he told her he was merely watching television. Beth told him she missed him, which he took as a sign she wouldn’t be able to be away for more than a month to tape “Dancing with the Stars.” Artie said he came up with a theory last night while he was “in the middle of chewing dinner,” saying he thought being on “Dancing with the Stars” would help Beth’s career, but also might harm their relationship. Artie added, however, he felt Howard and Beth were “strong enough” to get past their potential hardships.

Howard replied that, because Beth’s career was going so well, he didn’t think she’d be using “Dancing with the Stars” the same way other celebrities do. Howard added if Beth agreed to be on the program, she’d be in her own spotlight that didn’t involve him, which he felt would benefit her career even further. When Artie questioned whether there was a chance next season’s “Dancing with the Stars” won’t be as successful as its predecessors, Robin told him the second season was actually a bigger hit than the first.

Howard took a call from a man named Slobber, who announced he’s about to enter his twelfth year on college radio. Slobber then mentioned he’s 32 years old and the station he works for reaches more than just the college campus. Slobber added that his show has been written about “in the local rags,” which he thought spoke to its success. When Howard found out Slobber makes a substantial portion of his income by selling the CDs he gets through his job, he pointed out he had the same system as Artie and the Devil Dogs he eats.

Gary reported that, since Siobahn rode the Sybian earlier this week, no one will clean off the machine. Gary pointed out that Sal usually volunteers for the task, but even he won’t touch the Sybian because of who was last on it. Gary went on to say that, since he’s responsible for controlling the Sybian regardless of who rides it, Sal shouldn’t pick and choose when he sanitizes it.

King of All Blacks called in to ask what the dress code will be for next week’s film festival. Howard responded he envisioned everyone – including the fans – in suits or tuxedos, adding he wants the event to be as “classy” as possible. Richard noted that he and Benjy were fitted yesterday for their tuxes and Benjy was embarrassed because “a team” of tailors were needed take his measurements. Benjy added that five people were responsible for getting his measurements and some of them were also taking notes and questioning whether or not they had a tux big enough for him. Benjy went on to say he was sweating during the ordeal, not because he was nervous, but because he had to “walk a block” to get to the tailor.

Howard played a clip of The Howard 100 News’ Steve Langford talking yesterday to David Lee Roth. In the clip, Steve broke the news to David who his most likely replacements will be, which led David to admit he wasn’t surprised that CBS execs didn’t approach him on the topic themselves. When Steve asked David if he expected CBS to pay out his contract, he replied, “We’re either going to do it nicely like gentlemen, or ..." David then said the situation can be resolved with “a handshake,” or it could escalate to “World War IX.”

A man named George called in to report he’d be willing to do just about anything to win the 100-inch Panasonic High-Definition television Howard might have as a future prize. George told Howard he’d put his fingers in either High Pitch Eric or Benjy’s behind, and he’d also get waxed and “take four loads” on his face. Despite his offer, George insisted he wasn’t gay, but instead just really wanted the television.

When Howard wondered why George would allow four guys to pleasure themselves on his face, Artie responded, if it happened, George would eventually end up saying the line, “I can’t wait to watch the Super Bowl on the reason I have AIDS.” George then acknowledged he’s married, and has two children, 10 and 14. However, George assured Howard his kids wouldn’t find out what he did if he was given the television.

Artie said he wanted to play a game called “Guess How Many Calories are in This,” before noting that Lisa G. dipped a Twinkie in chocolate sauce, and drizzled icing over it. After Artie pointed out the treat made him feel like he’d just visited “a Brazilian buffet,” Howard mentioned fans are claiming Artie’s never been bigger. Howard went on to say Lisa also prepared a chocolate dessert for him for Passover and he and Beth ate the entire thing.

Howard played a clip of Will Murray calling High Pitch Eric to find out if he’d be willing to “shoot his load” on the chest of a listener who wanted film festival tickets. Eric replied he’d be able to do it without a problem, claiming he’d have no trouble getting aroused or producing a sizeable amount of semen.

Following the tape, Artie asked if anyone else thought High Pitch was “retarded.” Howard responded that, while he believed Eric has issues, he didn’t think he was actually as bad as Artie suggested.

When Kidd Chris, a disc jockey from YSP, a Free FM station in Philadelphia, came into the studio, Howard asked if he’d get in trouble for making an appearance on satellite radio. Chris replied that none of his bosses told him he couldn’t be on the show this morning, but also admitted he didn’t inform anyone he was going to visit. Chris went on to say he was asked to replace Howard in some of his markets after he left terrestrial radio, but decided he liked his afternoon timeslot too much to give up.

Howard acknowledged he didn’t miss the censorship he used to face while on regular radio. Howard then recalled he faced censorship for the first time at WNBC when he was instructed he couldn’t say “scumbag” or “douche bag” on the air. Howard explained once those “tools” were taken away from him, they became the only words he could think about on the air. Howard added Tom Chiusano implemented a similar rule for him at KROCK, noting he was prohibited from saying the word “asshole” on the air. However, Howard said what really confused him about the regulation was his callers were allowed to say the word when they were on the air, but no one on the show could repeat it.

After Howard pointed out how he used to just avoid certain topics on the air out of fear they’d just be edited from the broadcast, he remembered people accused him during his final years on regular radio of not being as funny as he used to be. Howard acknowledged his critics might’ve been right about his show, but added the change was caused by the new regulations he was forced comply with. Howard then told Chris he didn’t want to “rub it in,” but he couldn’t be happier at SIRIUS.

A listener named Nick called in to report that he has a glass eye and would be willing to take it out and let Richard or Sal have sex with his eye socket for tickets to the film festival. After Sal agreed to participate, Nick claimed he’d come into the studio on Monday to have his session with Sal. Although Artie acknowledged he’d love to see Nick and Sal get together, he pointed out he didn’t believe they’d actually be seeing Nick next week.

Chris told Howard he’s had three meetings with lawyers in regard to his show’s content recently and each lawyer has informed him where he was crossing the lines of potential indecency. Chris added he doesn’t have an editor on his program, so he’s responsible for hitting the dump button himself. After he heard this, Howard noted Chris should look into letting someone else be responsible for the button-hitting job, explaining the fact he had a number of people who operated his button at KROCK was one of his defenses when the FCC threatened to sue him while he was on regular radio.

Gary brought up some controversy has developed because of The International Auto Show taking place this week in the city. Gary explained he and Artie were approached to make appearances at the event and they both agreed to it, thinking they’d be getting paid by the Auto Show. However, Gary added he and Artie found out SIRIUS was actually footing the bill for their appearances and they were the only two people from the company being paid for their time. Artie responded he and Gary agreed to work for free after they found out about who was paying them, but admitted he had already thought about what he was going to do with the money he was supposed to get.

Ronnie the Limo Driver then came into the studio and announced he will also be at the Auto Show and the reason he had his press photos taken earlier this week was to have something to autograph for his fans. This led Fred to point out Ronnie looked like he was trying to be Steve McQueen in “Bullitt” in one of the pictures, a comment Artie agreed with.

Porn star, Crystal Clear, came into the studio to talk about the next movie she’ll be doing where she’ll have sex with 50 men over 60 years old. Crystal reported she’s had sex with 200 men in her life and has made about 45 pornos since she started in the industry when she turned 19, less than a year ago. Crystal went on to say she spent seven years in facilities for troubled kids when she was younger and she used to hang a sign-up sheet on her door for any of the women in the building who wanted to have sex with her. Crystal also revealed she was adopted and at 9 years old she started having lesbian sex with her non-biological cousin. Crystal added she regularly gets tested for STDs and she takes every precaution she can when it comes to the people she has sex with.

After Gary noted Crystal performs “water sports” and “blowbangs” – which she said involve having oral sex with a number of men at once – she claimed she participates in such acts because she wants to make a name for herself in the industry. Crystal then commented she’s in love with her boyfriend, a man Gary noted was “41 and black.” Howard responded it sounded to him like Crystal was looking for a father figure in her life, a remark she acknowledged she’d heard before. Crystal went on to note she tried stripping before she got into porn, but was so nervous she ended up throwing up at the strip club – which is not a good way to make money as a stripper. Crystal also admitted she used to be into drugs and alcohol – but has been clean for over 2 years now – and added her parents have come to accept everything about her, including her career and the fact she’s in an interracial relationship.

Gary mentioned Crystal was talking in the green room earlier about how much money she’d charge people from the show to have sex with her. Crystal then pointed out she’d make Ronnie the Limo Driver shell out $900, while the Rev. Bob Levy would have to pay just $600. After Crystal said she’d charge Tim Sabean $1,500 for sex – a total Bob said meant she’d charge him a dollar per pound – she noted anyone older than 60 can have sex with her for free in her soon-to-be-filmed gangbang movie.

Because Crystal revealed that she had been molested when she was 10 years old, Howard wasn’t sure if he wanted to see her get on the Sybian as he’d originally planned for her to do. Sal asked what Crystal would do to him for $10. After agreeing to kiss Sal’s rear end for the cash, Artie asked Crystal if she wanted one of his chocolate-covered Twinkies, adding she must be used “to black things with white cream coming out of them.” Although Artie’s joke wasn’t really racist, Crystal took offense to it and told Artie he was “cold-hearted” and was living “a miserable little life.” Artie proceeded to apologize for his comment, and explained to Crystal he was just kidding.

Because of Artie’s joke, Robin pointed out that Crystal was no longer having fun in the studio. This led Howard to kick Artie out of the studio, before taking a call from Crystal’s “boyfriend,” who sounded conspicuously like Artie doing an over-the-top “black voice.” As soon as Crystal heard the caller, though, she immediately knew it wasn’t her boyfriend, but instead thought it was Rob Spallone, the director of her upcoming gangbang, playing a trick on her. Crystal told “Rob” she loved him, but she couldn’t put up with Artie, whom she referred to as “that fat racist motherf’er.”

Howard admitted he was torn about whether Crystal should get on the Sybian, and she replied she would’ve done it when she first came in, but Artie “killed” her whole day. Howard then got “Rob” back on the line, and he advised Crystal to give the Sybian a try. “Rob” went on to say, though, Crystal shouldn’t “f’ that midget with the car shit” – referring to Ronnie – before again encouraging her to ride the machine.

Crystal said she’d ride the Sybian “for Rob,” but ended up jumping off as soon as Gary raised its level to 50 percent. Crystal explained she didn’t want to stay on the machine because she didn’t want to have an orgasm, which Howard responded was the reason for the Sybian’s existence. However, Crystal again got off the machine for the same reason when Gary turned up its energy level for the second time. When Gary tried to entice Crystal to ride the Sybian to completion by offering her a prize of Carson’s ribs, “Rob” got back on the line and told her, “Don’t come home without those ribs.”

When Artie came back into the studio, Crystal told him she took what he said to heart because of her boyfriend, as well as her African American siblings and friends she has in her life. Crystal added people are all the same color when they’re “cut open,” before calling Artie “a sick man.” Howard proceeded to ask Crystal if she had the same no-joking standards for other groups of people, including the Jews. However, Crystal replied she thought Jewish people receive too many presents for Hanukah, a comment which Artie claimed offended him. Crystal then took off her headset and left the studio.

Following a commercial break, Gary told Howard Crystal was talking on the phone to her boyfriend, Daryl, but wasn’t sure he wanted to be on the air. Howard ended up getting Daryl on the line, though, and he said Crystal reacted the way she did to Artie’s remark because she wasn’t used to being in “a roomful of guys making jokes.” After Daryl noted he knew Crystal would be all right, he added Artie should “eat a bowl of dicks” for the comment he made. Artie replied he felt like Crystal was “the best guest of all time” and hoped Daryl could be flown in for an appearance sometime in the future.

Mike Walker of The National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which of the tales is fake. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1)Mickey Rourke began crying at an art show when he spotted a dog that looked like his own canine who recently passed away.

(2) Brad Pitt demanded Catherine Zeta-Jones’ character be written out of “Oceans 13” following comments she made about him and Angelina Jolie.

(3) Simon Cowell began wearing special tape over his nipples to prevent them from showing through his skin-tight shirts.

(4) Barbara Streisand was informed by a worker at a clothing store the stretch-pants she was wearing were a “no-no.”

While Howard, Chris and Fred all picked the Simon Cowell story as the imposter, Robin went with Story Four, and Artie guessed the second one. Mike then announced there were three winners this week, because the Simon Cowell story was made-up.

During Robin’s news, Gary announced today was the last broadcast for David Lee Roth on Free FM and Steve Langford of The Howard 100 News was able to speak with him briefly outside the station’s building. Steve came into the studio and mentioned David’s show this morning was cut off 20 minutes early, which he commented prevented him from saying goodbye to his audience. Steve went on to report that David seemed upset, but still talked to him for about “50 seconds.” Howard then played the clip of Steve’s interview, in which David admitted his dismissal was “a huge disappointment” before adding he’d be “stopping by SIRIUS sometime soon.”