SUPERSTARS VISIT SIRIUS
The Howard Stern Show for August 15, 2006

Howard began this morning’s show playing Richard and Sal’s most recent call to a New York public access show, this one featuring the Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator who’s a frequent guest on the show. In the clip, the program’s two hosts believed they were actually talking to Arnold, until, of course, he told them he thought “blacks should go back to picking cotton” and informing them he felt they should get off the airwaves.

Following the tape, Howard noted he had a hard time making out what “Arnold” was saying during the call, and attributed it to the poor quality of the phone systems on public access shows. Howard added that he was thinking about anonymously donating better phone equipment to the public access channels Sal and Richard frequent so they can get better audio.

Howard brought up that he had read about how Andy Dick supposedly was “licking” people at the William Shatner roast Sunday night, and asked Artie, who also participated in the event, if he witnessed any weird behavior on Andy’s part. Artie reported he felt “something was going to happen soon” to Andy, explaining he seemed to be on something – given the way he was yelling throughout the other comics’ performances. Artie added that at one point Andy ended left the dais in order to get into a Spock costume, and, when he came back out, he started swearing at the audience for not laughing at the bit.

Artie said when Andy reappeared onstage after the Spock bit, dressed in his regular clothes, he could tell he wasn’t happy because of the reaction he received from the crowd. After Artie noted another of the roast’s participants, Farrah Fawcett, made Andy look like “Mario Cuomo giving a speech,” he said Andy ran up to her as she was bombing at the podium and used his “crazy gay energy” to lick her neck and face. Because the crowd was responding to Andy’s lick, he continued to try to make the roast about himself, not only interrupting the other comics but even going as far as “tongue kissing” both the comedian, Patton Oswalt, as well as Nichelle Nichols, the woman who played Uhura on “Star Trek.”

Upon hearing this, Howard read the article from the New York Post’s Page Six about Andy, where it was reported he not only licked and kissed people, as Artie had said, but also that he urinated in front of a reporter and offered her cocaine.

After taking a call from a listener who said he enjoyed Debbie Schlussel last night, one of Scott Ferrall’s fill-ins this week during his vacation, Howard mentioned he didn’t hear the entire show because he wanted to have sex with Beth while she was wearing the cast on her foot. Howard went on to say tonight’s and tomorrow’s substitute, Crazy Cabbie, would be coming into the studio later in the morning to promote his broadcast, adding that Cabbie had been calling him nonstop since his release from prison last month.

Howard got Eric the Midget and his new spokesman, Johnny Fratto, on the phone to talk about the possibility of him flying with balloons. Eric said he’s finally willing to go through with the bit, but only if Richard and Sal agreed to simulate oral sex for 10 total minutes with each other using strap-on dildos. Eric then said he wanted to see the stunt not because he was gay, but because he wanted Richard and Sal to be humiliated. Eric added that he didn’t think Howard had “a shot in damn hell” of getting Katharine McPhee in the studio, which was another stipulation of him coming into the studio and being flown, so he wasn’t worried about having to fly.

Although Howard didn’t think Richard and Sal would have a problem with their request, they came into the studio and informed Howard they wouldn’t go through with it because it was too embarrassing, even for them. After hearing that, Howard informed Richard and Sal that they’d be fired if they didn’t give into Eric’s demand, so they agreed to do it – under protest. Howard then told Eric he wanted to get him in the studio as soon as he could in order to keep Richard and Sal employed, but Eric reminded Howard that he had family commitments for the rest of the month. Given this, Robin asked Eric if he’d come to the city the day after Labor Day, September 5th, but Eric wondered if he could visit later that week in order to see former “American Idol” contestant, Diana DaGarmo, in “Hairspray.”

Before Howard ended Eric’s call, Johnny gave Robin advice about her upcoming race with Bubba the Love Sponge while also mentioning he had a $25,000 television. Howard then said he wanted to give Johnny his own show on SIRIUS as Riley Martin’s replacement, and Gary announced the program was already in the works. Howard next wanted to know if Eric would be willing to dress up either as Superman or a mobster for his stunt, but he said he wouldn’t.

When Howard played Eric’s “Fly Me with Balloons” song, Eric told him he was “tempted” to say today was his final call, noting he didn’t like the way he was still referring to him as “a midget.” Johnny then played his part as Eric’s spokesman by asking Howard if he could instead call Eric “an actor,” which he agreed to do.

As the topic of Howard’s KROCK tapes came up, Gary entered the studio and revealed Labor Day weekend would be “an all-request weekend,” during which, listeners would be able to call in to request the bits they want to hear. Gary went on to say there would be no limitations of what could potentially air, and that everything from interviews to musical performances to clips of Howard & crew just talking about what he did the previous night were all fair game.

Cabbie came into the studio and immediately confronted Artie for bringing up a debt he owed him on the air recently, claiming he hadn’t paid him yet because he’s been in jail. Cabbie then admitted he’d been calling Howard a lot lately, but only because he wanted advice for his SIRIUS shows tonight and tomorrow. When Howard next pointed out he figured Cabbie’s admittance years ago of having had homosexual sex would be included during the Labor Day weekend debut of his KROCK tapes, Cabbie replied those experiences didn’t “necessarily” make him gay. To illustrate his theory, Cabbie claimed that, because girls who experiment with other girls aren’t always considered lesbians, he felt the same standard should be applied to men. However, Howard, Robin and Artie all told Cabbie he was wrong.

Cabbie reported he first tried gay sex before he was 15, and that “it went away” until he started “swinging” while he worked as a cab driver. Although Cabbie said he wanted his interview to continue, Howard told him he was stopping it so he’d have topics to discuss on his broadcasts the next two nights.

Howard announced Uncle Pauly, who he described as a Wack Packer, died recently at the age of 68. Sal then entered the studio and reported his father and Uncle Pauly, who he acknowledged wasn’t really his uncle, came to America from Italy together, and opened a pizza shop when they got here. Sal also said his father and Uncle Pauly were best friends their entire lives. Howard then played a clip of him doing his Guglio Marconi impression in his honor.

Howard played a tape of Jon Hein yelling at Ralph during a recent edition of “The Wrap Up Show,” mostly because he felt Ralph had criticized his work ethic. When the tape ended, Robin noted it was weird to hear Jon react that way because of his usually even temperament. Jon then came into the studio and admitted he “lost it,” even though he promised himself as soon as he found out how much time he’d have to work with Ralph that he’d never succumb to his feelings.

Howard played a voicemail Double A left with Sal, in which he asked for “a sit down with the big guy” to try to get another show on SIRIUS, and then one in which Crazy Alice said she couldn’t stand to think about Penny Crone performing oral sex on as many police officers as she admitted to doing last month.

Howard proceeded to play the uncensored tape of a press conference Ol’ Dirty Bastard held in the late 1990s when he was preparing to sue the New York City Police Department. In the tape, ODB, who his lawyer announced was to be called Russell during the proceedings, had to be asked to clean up his language – which included every expletive known to man – because what he was saying wasn’t able to be used on television or radio.

As the clip continued, the comedian, Greg Fitzsimmons, came into the studio to listen to it. Greg noted he enjoyed hearing the conference, and, to him, the only segment that ever riled it was the one from earlier this year when Andrew Dice Clay stormed off the set of CNN Headline News after he was asked a question he didn’t like.

Greg told Howard he did “Late Show with David Letterman” last night, and that the broadcast would air Friday. Greg went on to say he thought his appearance yesterday was his best yet, before adding he had so much respect for Dave that he wanted to be as funny as he could. Greg then recalled he was first asked to be on “Late Show” years ago when one of their bookers saw him at a comedy festival, and also talked about how he was “bumped” a number of times throughout the years because some of Dave’s other interviews went longer than anticipated. Greg added, once again, he did about 40 late-night shows in his career, but he still considered “Late Show” to be the pinnacle.

When, Yanni came into the studio, Howard brought up his relationship with Linda Evans helped his career because she brought him with her during one of her appearances on “Oprah,” and he admitted it was true. Howard then mentioned one of Linda’s friends, a psychic who claimed she could channel a warrior named Ramtha, was constantly with her, but Yanni said her presence wasn’t as constant as Howard made it out to be. Yanni went on to recall Linda was a fan of his music, and that was how he was introduced to her, before referring to her “a great girl.”

Yanni claimed he wasn’t in competition with John Tesh, even though he admitted they both write music for some of the same events, including the Olympics. Yanni also mentioned he was wealthy, and, when he tours, he takes a private jet to his concerts.

Yanni reported he grew up in Greece, and lost his virginity in “a whore house” when he was 14. Yanni then said the prostitute who deflowered him knew he was young, and the experience didn’t go well, particularly because he felt the woman in question looked like his aunt.

Yanni acknowledged the lowest point of his life occurred earlier this year, when he was accused by a former girlfriend of beating her. After Yanni explained that he acted only in self defense, and that all charges against him were dropped, he added he was planning on ending relationships with future girlfriends through his lawyers.

Because the topic of Yanni’s arrest came up, Robin pointed out his mug shot wasn’t the most flattering picture ever taken, and he admitted the shot was just another negative of the whole incident.

As Howard was saying goodbye to Yanni, he told him Robin didn’t want him on as a guest, but she insisted that wasn’t the case. However, Robin did add she was surprised by Yanni’s booking, but encouraged him by mentioning her boyfriend, Mr. X, once took her to one of his concerts.

• A caller wanted to know what kind of motorcycle Fred drove, and Artie responded it was a Triumph. Fred then reported he once rode with his wife, Allison, on the back of the motorcycle, but that he’d never do it again because she almost crushed him due to how tightly she was holding onto him. Since he was talking to Fred, Howard wondered what his waist size was, which he said was 34.

• Howard commented his chess score had gone up to 1045, and he was about to enter a tournament. Howard added he understood chess strategy, and disagreed with a caller who claimed there were only 10 opening moves in every game.

• While he was in the studio to discuss today’s stories on The Howard 100 News, Steve Langford reported Artie was the executive producer of a new movie, “Rapturious.” Artie then said he merely loaned the director of the movie, Kamel Ahmed, some money for the project, which was the only reason his name was tied to the film.

• Howard played clips from Debbie Schlussel’s show last night, including one in which a caller asked her if she was “shaved or unshaved,” and if she “spit or swallowed,” two questions she wouldn’t answer. In another segment, a caller asked Debbie if she was trying to become “the next Underdog Lady,” while in another she revealed she had a relative who died in one of the World Trade Center buildings on September 11th.

• A caller wanted to know why George Flowers no longer gave Howard updates about the Howard 100 News every morning, and Gary said he felt George was too much of “an old-time news guy” to come into the studio, and that George didn’t appreciate the mornings he had to wait in the hall before coming into the studio to give his reports.

• Greg remembered Howard used to torture his father, Bob Fitzsimmons, years ago, explaining he was on the radio at the time and was at the end of many of his jokes. When Greg admitted his dad was never a big fan of Howard’s, Robin said she didn’t realize Bob was his father, and recalled they were “merciless” toward him. Greg added he stopped drinking and smoking shortly after his dad died of a heart attack at 53.

Howard mentioned that Richard and Sal were playing a joke on Penny Crone this morning, telling her that Eric the Midget was in the bathroom, and she should wait outside the bathroom to get an interview when he came out. When Penny came into the studio, Howard informed her she’d been waiting outside the bathroom for an hour even though Eric wasn’t actually inside it, and demanded she stop “carrying on in the hall.”

Artie announced that he had asked Greg to be one of the two comedians who would join him onstage when he played Carnegie Hall this fall, and he agreed to do it. Artie pointed out having Greg on the bill would make his show “better,” while adding that Greg was a different type of comedian than he was, which he said was one of the reasons he asked him instead of Rev. Bob Levy. Greg then noted he never performed at Carnegie Hall, but mentioned he saw a number of comedians, including Bob Newhart, play there.

Jeff the Drunk called in to say he hadn’t yet received the flyers for “Beer League” he was supposed to hand out for Artie, and Artie said he’d resend them later this week. Howard then pointed out he was happy to hear Jeff was interested in actually helping Artie, and was making an effort to assist him in promoting “Beer League.”

• The latest census revealed the population of white people in New York City has decreased for the past five years.

• Five kittens were thrown into a burning pan by a friend of their owner, but they weren’t seriously injured.

• A team from Staten Island will be participating in the Little League World Series this month.

• John Gotti will be prosecuted for the third time this year, this case involving his role in an alleged abduction.

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes stopped on the side of a road to help a couple who had been in an accident.

• According to a poll, more people can name two of the Seven Dwarfs than they can two Supreme Court justices.

• A woman’s breast implants saved her life during the war in Lebanon.

• The British government is considering profiling some passengers before they board planes.

• Fifteen people were killed following a gun battle today in Iraq.

• Two Fox reporters were kidnapped in Gaza City.

• President Bush has claimed Israel defeated Hezbollah in the war in Lebanon.

• Footage of Fidel Castro aired on Cuban television.

• Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson have decided to get divorced.

• The new lineup for next season’s “Dancing with the Stars” was announced.

• Boy George performed his community service yesterday.