A VERY GAY DAY
The Howard Stern Show for August 20, 2008

Howard started off the show playing some clips of Sal killing at a recent roast of George Takei. Howard said Sal's set was brutal and George agreed (“It was vicious.”), adding that he wasn't offended by the gay, Asian, or Star Trek jokes - because he's legitimately “associated” with all of those - but the age jokes really got to him. Gary then revealed that Sal has been offered a chance to compete in a contest to become a roaster at the Friar's Club but Sal turned them down, saying he was honored that they asked him but, “I already roast for The Howard Stern Show.”

Richard came in to kick off George's gay bachelor party with a clip from a gay bondage film. George wasn't really a fan of the bondage, but he did envy Richard's job: “You get to sit around and watch these all day?...I'll have to put my glasses on.” Richard then showed George a couple more clips, and George lamented: “It's a shame that this is radio and [the listeners] can't see this.” Robin laughed that for most people, it wasn't a shame.

Johnny Fratto called in to talk about “that rotten little midget,” saying Eric was becoming a pain to deal with: “I want to choke him.” Ronnie the Limo Driver came in to second Johnny's complaint, citing a job Eric recently turned down for one of his strip club owner friends. Johnny said Eric also reneged on another recent appearance agreement (in Vegas, no less) because his favorite porn star, Brandy Talore, wouldn't be attending.

Eric explained that he had been hoping to see Brandy at the appearance, and when she declined, he felt like he'd been “misled.” George thought Eric was being ungrateful, as so many people were trying to help him. Eric said he'd rather get help from Brandy: “She's the hottest, bustiest porn star in the business.” Johnny asked Eric to show up for the appearance in Vegas anyway - and promised the little guy that he could yell at him for weeks if he didn't have a good time.

Howard welcomed Jonah Falcon, the host of “Let's Talk Yankees” who's frequently the butt of Richard & Sal's prank calls, to show George his 14” penis. Jonah said he was bi-sexual - but “never taken” it from a guy – adding that he had sex with a woman as recently as last weekend. Jonah then whipped it out, and George was impressed: “Oh my goodness!...Do you get pleasure throughout the whole 14”?” Jonah answered that he had the most sensitivity in the head.

Jonah offered to let George touch his penis, and after noting that Brad wasn't listening, George crossed the room: “I wanna feel it...it's scrunched up...this protrusion here is kind of intrusive.” Howard told George it looked like he was milking a cow: “I see you were tugging on it!” George and Jonah also shared a kiss, but George was disappointed: “You had garlic for breakfast didn't you?” Jonah then sang a song from a Muppet movie to George, which cracked Artie up: “Nothing is real anymore!”

Howard then welcomed several men for The Prettiest Penis Contest. The first contestant was 78-years-old and fully nude. George said the guy's penis was “a well-balanced penis, but it lacks a little volume.” The second contestant, Maury, whipped his out as well – after a little “chubbing up” - and George was unimpressed. George was more excited by the next contestant, Mike, who also had a “well-balanced” penis.

The fourth contestant, Go-Go Boy, said he was a try-sexual (“I try anything”) and George loved his package: “It's beautiful. It could use a little bit of a workout.” The next contestant said he was “one of the original jackasses,” and, despite his best efforts, ended up having his “entry” dismissed. The next guy had a circumcised penis but used a device (Fred called it a “penis restoration cone”) to regenerate his foreskin. George was impressed (“Good for you!”) but gave the award and the $500 prize to Mike, the third guy.

Howard took a call from a guy named Mike who claimed his wife was pregnant with a baby that has a second/parasitic head. Howard also got Mike's wife, Wendy, on the phone, who explained that the head wasn't a second personality (it's dormant), adding that she wants to have an abortion: “I don't want to have this baby at all...I don't want to have this freak of nature.” Mike said they'd tried too hard and for too long to just give up now, even if the chances for the baby’s survival were almost zero. The entire staff agreed with Wendy, and Artie told them to take their shitty improv elsewhere.

Randy from the Village People called in to promote his new solo album, “Ticket to the World,” and sing a little bit of “Y.M.C.A.” as part of George's bachelor party. Howard asked if any of the Village People were actually straight, so Randy estimated that only “about 60%” of the people who were in the band over the years were gay. After George and Randy talked for a little while, Randy sang him a medley of the “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” theme song and “Y.M.C.A.”

Artie told a story about the time he jerked off to Christina Applegate when she was only a couple feet away: “We were in this Jeopardy sketch [on “MadTV”], and she was so sexy...I went up to my dressing room...I heard her outside talking to the dressing room lady and I went up to the door and...it made way more erotic...the only thing between me and her was the door. She was a foot away. I came on the door.” Robin asked if Artie would do it again, and he said, “Of course.”

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John Edwards is bad.

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Lindsay Lohan wants to meet Michael Phelps.

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The Olympic slanty-eyed pose is spreading.

Americans are leading the gold medal count.

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McCain is in the lead.

A baby whale has mistaken an Australian yacht for its mother.

NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to put windmills on bridges.

There's now a statue of the Fonz in Milwaukee.