THE JAMES GANG RIDES AGAIN
The Howard Stern Show for August 21, 2006

Howard started the show playing clips Richard had made isolating Artie’s heavy breathing at the William Shatner roast that aired on Comedy Central last night. Hearing his wheezing, Howard recommended that Artie cut back on his smoking. Upon hearing the clips, Artie admitted he sounded like he was “near death,” and compared his breathing to the sound Lou Costello used to make whenever he saw something that scared him. When Artie then said shows and cartoons used to be more violent than they are today, Howard responded that was the case because some people today are worried such images might lead kids to become like John Mark Karr, the alleged killer of JonBenet Ramsey.

Howard went on to say he heard Karr was in the process of getting a sex-change operation prior to his arrest because he thought being a woman might make it easier for him to pick up children. Howard then acknowledged he didn’t think Karr actually killed JonBenet, which led Artie to wonder if the girl’s parents were back to being the leading suspects. Although Howard wasn’t sure who committed the crime, he was glad many people thought Patsy Ramsey did it because, even if she had nothing to do with the killing, he wanted her public image to be tarnished for entering JonBenet in beauty pageants at such a young age in the first place.

Howard said he saw television commercials and newspaper articles for Meredith Vieira’s upcoming debut on “The Today Show,” and added that he felt they must’ve been airbrushed because of how attractive she looked in them. Howard also commented he read on Rosie O’Donnell’s blog that she was unhappy with the lack of control she was getting while preparing for her role as co-host of “The View,” and added he wouldn’t be surprised if the program ended up turning into another version of her former talk show. However, Robin didn’t think Rosie would ever get that much control over the show considering Barbara Walter’s ownership of the show.

Howard played clips from last night’s Teen Choice Awards, the first of which featured a Los Angeles disc jockey interviewing Kevin Federline before the ceremony. In it, Kevin talked about the song, “Lose Control,” he was going to sing at the event, explaining he wasn’t nervous about his performance. During the next clips, Jessica Simpson claimed “800 billion” kids cast their votes to determine the winners of the show, before acting shocked for getting her own award for her role as Daisy Duke in last summer’s “The Dukes of Hazard.” Howard then got to the clip of K-Fed singing “Lose Control,” which Artie referred to as “the opposite of entertaining.”

Howard took a call from long time fan, Bobo, who reported the New York Daily News printed a retraction of the story it ran questioning why Howard didn’t attend the wake for Gary’s father, who died two weeks ago. Howard said he was so angry at what was written about him that he contacted the paper, which was why the retraction ran. Howard then again explained he and Beth were ready to go to the service for Gary’s dad, but, because Beth broke her foot as they were leaving, he had no choice but to take her to the hospital and miss the two-hour wake.

Before Howard played segments from William Shatner’s Comedy Central roast, Artie commented he was upset at the way the program was put together, explaining Andy Dick’s antics were all included, which meant the other comedians had jokes taken out of the broadcast. Howard then got to a tape of Betty White, who took a shots at George Takei, Patton Oswalt and Farrah Fawcett, while also saying it made her feel good to see Artie onstage because she knew she was “going to outlive him.”

After the clip, Artie noted the best part of the evening for him occurred when George Takei did his routine at William’s expense because of all the tension that was evident between the two.

Artie reported he and Dana “hung out” after she finished recording her part for Howard’s new radio sitcom, “The Bitter Half,” on Friday. Artie added that, while Dana was doing in the studio, he was playing softball in Central Park for the Howard 100 team, and blamed the performance of some of the women they are required to keep on the team for their most recent lost.

Following that discussion, Artie continued to talk about his weekend with Dana. Artie said Dana called him immediately after she taped her part for “The Bitter Half” because she was so excited about it, and that they “hooked up” that night following a nice dinner at his apartment.

Artie mentioned he was going to make his debut appearance on the “Late Show with David Letterman” this coming Wednesday. He attributed this to the fact that he recently brought up how he’d never been on the program before. Artie added he’d also be on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” this month as well in order to promote “Beer League.”

Howard got Matt Dallas, the star of “Kyle XY,” on the line to talk about how he was “outed” on the show by Perez Hilton, even though he is (and always has been) straight. Matt said he wasn’t too bothered by Perez’s claims, adding he was happy that he was now considered a big enough star to have lies spread about him. However, when Matt acknowledged that he recently broke up with his girlfriend, Howard recommended he find a new one soon in order to prove he wasn’t gay.

Matt noted he moved to Los Angeles as soon as he turned 18, and worked in commercials and as a model before landing the part on “Kyle XY.” To officially put the gay rumors to rest, Howard then asked Matt the women he found most attractive, and he responded with Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson and Rhianna. Matt went on to claim he had sex with 20 girls while in high school, a figure which Robin called “out of this world.” Matt also told Howard he’d never had any gay experiences, including “towel-snapping incidents” and “sword fights.” As he was ending the interview, Howard advised Matt to call into the show the next time he was having sex with a woman.

Since the topic of high school sexual exploits had been brought up, Artie asked Howard how many partners he had between the ages of 16 and 18. Howard replied he had sex with three girls during that time, while Artie said he had sex with two when he was in high school. Artie then remembered the first woman who had sex with him more than once was a prostitute, and added he’d been with four hookers in his life. Howard went on to say he never paid for sex in his life, but added, if he could get past “the total sadness” of the situation, he could see how being with a prostitute might be “hot.”

While she was in the studio talking about the Howard 100 News, Lisa G. reported she recently interviewed Dana, and found out she no longer wanted him to “change.” Artie then noted that Dana stopped demanding that he go to therapy by himself, but also pointed out she now wanted him to go to couples’ therapy with her. Artie went on to say he was even starting to like Dana’s dog, mostly because he realized that the dog didn’t care what he looked like or about any of the other traits some people found disgusting.

Howard played a voicemail Riley Martin left for Gary last week, in which he consoled him for losing his father. However, after assuring Gary his dad was in a better place – telling him “there’s a far greater place beyond this plain of existence” – Riley turned his attention to his ongoing money demands, and asked him to have Tim Sabean call him so they could continue their negotiations.

Howard had Pete, 31, and his mother, Karen, 50, into the studio so they could do what they promised earlier this month: she’d ride the Sybian while he operated it. After Pete acknowledged he was missing teeth because he used to chew tobacco and didn’t often brush his teeth afterward, Gary noted the duo would be getting $1,000 for their stunt, but wouldn’t get the check until they performed it.

Karen then said she was extremely sexual, admitting she recently “pissed on a cop” following their date, had sex with two men at once, and dabbled in lesbianism as well. Karen went on to say she used to have sex for money, claiming a teacher she had while she was in high school was the first to pay her for her services.

As Karen began to remove her clothes for her Sybian ride, Howard said he wasn’t sure wanted to see her naked, while Artie commented he “always wanted to know what Red Buttons would look like as a hippy.” Once the machine was going, Karen asked Pete to “turn it up” and started moaning when he did.

After a few moments, Karen said the Sybian was “great” and “soaking wet” following her time on it because of the orgasm she it gave her. Robin then pointed out she couldn’t watch, and hearing Karen’s sounds was enough for her. Howard took some calls from listeners who found Karen’s Sybian ride gross, which led Howard to admit the bit might’ve been the “sickest” one he’d ever done.

Artie brought up how he had decided to give Jeff the Drunk an advance on the money he promised him for helping promote “Beer League” by handing out flyers where he lived, and ended up hating himself for agreeing to it. Despite this, Artie reported he wrote Jeff a check and sent it to him via Priority Mail on Thursday, but that Jeff was upset he didn’t overnight him the money instead. Howard then played one of the voice messages Jeff left for Artie on the topic, accusing him of not caring about him and wondering why he couldn’t “help him the f’ out.”

Artie said he was so upset at the voicemail that he called Jeff and yelled at him, only to have him leave another voicemail apologizing for his behavior.

Howard then got Jeff on the line and he explained the reason he called Artie in the first place was because he thought the money was supposed to get to him by Friday, not Saturday. Gary then pointed out the money Artie gave Jeff was really charity – not an advance, which Artie acknowledged was true. Artie proceeded to say he talked to Jeff yesterday about the flyers he was handing out, and that Jeff insisted they were “square” once he was done giving them to people, a remark Artie added infuriated him even further.

After Jeff hung up on Howard in anger, Artie wondered what Jeff would do for $1,000. Howard acknowledged he was intrigued by the question, and promised to call Jeff back to find out before the show ended.

Joe Walsh came into the studio to talk about how one of his bands, the James Gang, reunited for their current tour. Joe explained that the main thing that prevented the group from getting together for a long time was his schedule with the Eagles, while his band mates, bassist, Dale Peters, and drummer, Jim Fox, claimed they knew they’d end up getting back together all along. As Howard pointed out there were three female backup singers in the James Gang, Joe insisted he was happily married and never cheated with any women, much less the girls in his group.

Joe acknowledged he was surprised he wasn’t named one of the 100 Best Guitarists by Rolling Stone, an omission Howard said had shocked him as well. Joe went on to note that the Eagles were preparing to record a new album, noting his fellow band mates didn’t want to turn into “a karaoke band.”

When Howard mentioned Joe’s daughter, Lucy, was a musician, she came into the studio to report she had a CD of her own coming out next spring. Lucy added that her father was the one who got her “in the door” with her record company, but her talent was the reason she was able to make an album. Lucy went on to note she learned a great deal about the music industry from Joe, and that they were closer than they’d ever been. Lucy then told Howard she used to play keyboards for Ashlee Simpson, and was at the infamous Orange Bowl performance Ahslee did when the crowd of 70,000 booed her.

Before the James Gang played one of their songs, “Walk Away,” Joe asked Howard if he’d play percussion on it, but he turned down the offer. When the song was done, Joe said he and his Eagles band mate, Don Henley, performed six songs recently at a bar mitzvah for a combined $1 million, which he guessed came out to “$300 per note.” Joe also said he had no trouble accepting his invitation to the gig, adding Fleetwood Mac and Steven Tyler played it as well. Joe then led the band in a performance of “Funk #49.”

Following a number of complimentary calls about the James Gang’s songs, one caller claimed Lucy used to date Andy Dick. However, Lucy assured the caller that, although she knew Andy, they never dated in any way.

• Howard reported Roger Ebert was recovering more slowly than expected from his most recent bout with cancer. This led Artie to admit he was almost happy Roger was still in the hospital so he wouldn’t be able to review “Beer League.” After Howard informed Artie that this was a terrible thought to have about a friend of the show, adding that he would be writing Roger a letter to wish him well.

• Artie said he has been following the Staten Island team in the Little League World Series, and he felt badly for one of its players yesterday. Artie explained the team was losing by one run in the last inning of the game, and a player who was on second base started to jog off the field because he thought there were three outs, even though there were only two, and was tagged out to end the game.

• Jeff the Drunk got back on the line and noted he wouldn’t get “Beer League” tattooed on his face for $1,000, and wouldn’t let a man masturbate on his dead arm either. Jeff then told Artie he was using the money he sent him to pay his bills, before also refusing to get “I Love Cock” on his back, although he agreed to think about it when Artie upped the offer to $2,500 if he got the tattoo. When Howard went on to ask Jeff if he’d be willing to let his dead hand be eaten off by piranhas in a tank, he replied, “I don’t think so.”

• Howard played a clip from last Thursday’s “The Wrap Up Show” of Sal accusing Ralph of “leeching off of Artie” after he ordered an expensive lunch at Artie’s expense. Sal added he thought Ralph considered himself to be above everyone else on the show, even though he didn’t have to get up early every morning like Gary, or quit his job as a highly paid stockbroker to do what he loved.

• Gary also talked about how Ralph recently made remarks about him, claiming he wasn’t putting the same effort into “The Friday Show” as Ralph did. Ralph then called in claiming his comments were taken out of context. Ralph next said a controversy surrounding him and an intern – namely, that he made an intern get him an order of home fries two times because he didn’t get the first order right – wasn’t as bad as Howard was making it out to be either.

compiled by Kerry Picket

• John Mark Karr is back in the United States to answer questions about his alleged role in the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.

• Twenty people died at a pilgrimage for Muslims at holy sites in Iraq.

• Saddam Hussein will be in court today for his second trial on the charge he committed “crimes against humanity.”

• Israel has been accused of breaking its ceasefire with Lebanon.

• Former Wal-Mart board member, Andrew Young, made insensitive remarks about Jewish people, among other groups.

• Joe Lieberman is now running on the independent ticket in hopes of retaining his seat in the Senate.

• Tiger Woods won his twelfth major over the weekend.

• A Long Island man was accused of decapitating one of his neighbors.

• A man has admitted to killing seven people in Missouri.

• A student earned perfect scores on both the SAT and ACT.

• The Rev. Al Sharpton said many black youths have adopted the “gangsta mentality,” which he thinks has hindered them.

• “Snakes on a Plane” barely debuted at number one at the box office this past weekend.

• The first part of Spike Lee’s documentary about Hurricane Katrina aired last night on HBO.