INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER
The Howard Stern Show for August 23, 2006

The show began with Howard and the crew discussing the following topics:

• Howard said he woke up early today and played two games of chess, which led him to report High Pitch Eric was requesting a match with him. However, when Howard said he wasn’t sure anyone wanted to hear or see him play Eric, Artie informed him he was wrong, adding that he and the participants on “The SuperFan Roundtable” were just some of the people who wanted such a match to take place.

• Howard read a message he received from Eric the Midget, who claimed his doctor advised him not to fly in the studio with balloons, noting that doing so would cause damage to his already ailing joints. Fred pointed out, though, Eric must’ve given his doctor bad information about the details of the stunt, because the balloons were never going to be tied to his arms and legs, but to his chair instead. Howard went on to read other acts Eric was willing to do – including having a standup comedy battle with Richard or a karaoke competition with Wendy the Retard, Jeff the Drunk and Miss Howard Stern – but Robin said she didn’t want to see any of his proposals.

• Howard mentioned Dave Grohl thanked him at one of the Foo Fighters’ recent concerts for all the support he had given him throughout the years. Howard added Dave specifically talked about the acoustic performance of his song, “Everlong,” he did on the air, and how much he liked the way it sounded. Howard and everyone else agreed with Dave.

• Howard reported Bubba the Love Sponge would be broadcasting live from Las Vegas Saturday afternoon, and also said how much he enjoyed listening to his show in general. Robin replied she liked the show as well, even though she didn’t know why the SIRIUS scroll always said “Bubba Sponge” whenever it was airing. Howard explained that this was because there were only 15 characters in that spot, so all they had room for was the abbreviated version.

• Artie brought up that he thought the funniest part of “Jackass: The Movie” was when Steve-O jumped into a moving ceiling fan. Howard thought “Jackass” was one of the best comedies of all time, and recalled how one of its stars, Johnny Knoxville, used to write to him before he got his deal with MTV trying to get booked on the show to perform some of his stunts.

• Howard read an article in today’s paper about Tom Cruise, and how his film company of 14 years, Paramount, allegedly fired him, but Tom’s people were saying he actually left the company to finance his own movies. Howard then wondered why Sumner Redstone, the head of Paramount, found it necessary to badmouth Tom, regardless of why they parted ways. Howard added he was the victim of such a barrage after he left KROCK, while Chevy Chase experienced the same reaction years ago from FOX after he was fired from his talk show following just nine weeks of broadcasts.

• Howard noted he didn’t feel sorry for John Mark Karr, the man who claimed to have killed JonBenet Ramsey, even though he read his mother allegedly tried – unsuccessfully – to burn him alive when he was a baby. Despite the fact that Howard acknowledged he understood how such an act could scar a person, Robin didn’t think it had that big an effect on Karr given his young age when the incident happened.

• Howard said Bob Dylan complained recently about how recording equipment has supposedly been so bad lately that no one has made a good album in the past two decades. Bob also criticized musicians who complain about illegally downloaded music, a remark Howard admitted bothered him because it suggested Bob didn’t want young artists making money.

• A caller wanted to know why “The Wrap Up Show” had to end each day by noon, but Howard wasn’t sure. Jon Hein, one of the program’s hosts, then came into the studio and reported Tim Sabean didn’t want the show running into other broadcasts and replays, which was why they had to adhere to such tight time restrictions. Howard proceeded to report he and everyone on his channels would be having meetings in September to “discuss the state of radio,” and decide how to implement the 23,000 hours of KROCK he now had at his disposal.

• Artie announced he and Dana were “officially done” – again, adding that last night they were on the phone calling each other “assholes,” and she was telling him to “eat something else.” Artie admitted he was insulted by the latter comment, but also acknowledged he didn’t have a comeback to it seeing as he was eating at the time she made it. Artie also acknowledged, though, he was as bad as Dana when it came to insults, and she said what she did last night about his eating only as “a last resort.”

• Artie noted he was nervous about his first-ever appearance tonight on the “Late Show with David Letterman,” and added he was planning on wearing what he had on this morning. However, Artie also said he was thinking about putting on a leather jacket he bought in the 1980s over his t-shirt to look a little classier. Artie felt that, since Dave loved both his friend, Norm MacDonald, and Howard, he was going into the interview with an advantage other guests didn’t have.

• Howard read e-mails from people who said they appreciated the conversation he had yesterday with his father, Ben, about their relationship. Howard added the talk he had with Ben was the most personal one he’d ever had on the air, and admitted it was uncomfortable for him because he knew how difficult it was for his dad to open up the way he did.

Howard had Cher and Gregg Allman’s son, Elijah Blue, into the studio. Elijah, who is the lead singer and guitarist for the band, Deadsy, said Cher used to date Tom Cruise at the time he was filming “Top Gun.” Elijah added Tom was a different person back then, explaining he wasn’t a scientologist, and even introduced him to the group, T-Rex. After talking about how another of Cher’s husbands, Sonny Bono, was a scientologist, Elijah mentioned he didn’t disparage scientology any more than he did other religions.

Elijah revealed that Cher made him go to rehab to kick a heroin addiction, despite the fact that the intervention she held for him wasn’t that effective seeing as he thought most of the people there were on drugs themselves. Elijah then reported he didn’t catch any flack for calling Bijou Phillips “three o’clock slop” during his last appearance on the show, but admitted Heather Graham was mad at him when he questioned her intelligence in the interview. Elijah also said he had sex with Paris Hilton as well, but claimed their relationship took place before she got famous.

Elijah noted he still didn’t have much of a relationship with his father, but added he wasn’t angry with him anymore and hoped to get to know him better. Elijah then got back to the topics of heroin, which he said was like “being in his own little room.” Artie, who admitted to having tried heroin as well, also pointed out he felt the drug didn’t make him forget his problems, but allowed him not to care about them as much.

Elijah proceeded to call Paris “a sweet girl” but also claimed he wasn't that interested in her, even after they slept together way back before she became the star she is today. Elijah also acknowledged he is very good friends with Nicole Richie, and added he believed her explanation about why she was so skinny.

After reporting his half-sister, Chastity, has been able to keep off the weight she lost on “Celebrity Fit Club,” he claimed Cher wasn’t upset with the fact he and Howard were friends. In fact, Elijah said he knew Cher liked “Private Parts,” even though he didn’t think she actually went to a theater to see it. Elijah then played a song, “Carrying Over,” from Deadsy’s new album, “Phantasmagore,” which he described as “Bowie-esque.”

When Elijah was done playing, he told Howard that neither Cher nor Gregg ever gave him much money when he was growing up, but also said he didn’t live an extravagant life, so he didn’t mind it. Elijah then referred to Bob Dylan as “God,” and assured Howard the remarks he made about today’s music era were said to encourage younger artists to take more risks in their careers.

Elijah went on to note he became friends with Val Kilmer when he was dating Cher, and acknowledged Val once gave him a human scalp as a gift. Although Howard questioned if he’d be able to own such an item, Artie speculated that, in order for him to be able to enjoy it, he would’ve convinced himself the person who’s head it came from had been “an asshole.”

When Joan Rivers came into the studio, Howard told her she looked “glamorous,” adding he expected her to “fall apart” every time he saw her because of all the plastic surgery she’d had. Howard then told Joan she should stop working and relax, but she replied that wasn’t her style. Joan went on to say she was becoming friends with England’s royal family, and claimed she found Prince Charles “charming” when they had dinner together earlier this year.

Joan said she knew Mel Gibson was an anti-Semite before his recent controversial remarks, which led Howard to take a call from “Arnold Schwarzenegger,” who referred to Mel’s remarks as “not a big deal.” After Arnold called Mel “a great friend,” Joan pointed out that, if had Mel used the n-word instead of insulting Jewish people, he would never have been forgiven. However, Arnold told Joan that wasn’t the case, because the n-word didn’t bother him either, to which she replied, “If this really is Arnold, I can’t believe it.”

When Howard later revealed the caller wasn’t actually Arnold, Joan told him she didn’t think it was, but remained nice to him in case she ever saw him on a red carpet in the future.

Joan reported she recently spent a weekend camping with her 5-year-old grandson, and planned on taking him bowling as well. Joan also said one of her ex-boyfriends, who she noted was ill, contacted her to have dinner with her, but his current girlfriend wouldn’t allow them to get together. Joan then said she was going to be involved with a program just like “The View,” only with four gay male hosts. Joan added former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey was one of the people she wanted involved with the show.

Joan said she was doing her red carpet show on the TV Guide Channel this Sunday before the Emmys. Joan then mentioned Melissa, her daughter and partner on the broadcast, was dating a man she wanted her to marry. Joan added, though, that Melissa went through such a messy divorce recently that she didn’t think she and her boyfriend would be getting engaged anytime soon.

Before Joan left, Gary announced Jon Hein would be hosting a pre-red carpet special of his own for the TV Guide Channel, which Jon told Howard was part of his deal when he sold Jump the Shark to the company. Richard then came into the studio to play the “Who’s Older?” game, which revealed Joan was older than Alcatraz, the Hoover Dam and Flash Gordon.

Howard mentioned the Rev. Bob Levy made a Baba Booey song called “Baba Booey Land Forever,” sung to the tune of “Strawberry Fields Forever,” but he thought it was “awful.” While the song was playing, Artie called it “a swing and a miss,” and Robin pointed out “there were too many words” before any of the jokes were made in it.

Bob got on the line and claimed he knew he didn’t “nail” the song, although Howard said he had heard otherwise. Sal then told Howard that Bob was so happy with his parody that he was already talking about putting a studio in his house so he could make more songs, an allegation Bob insisted wasn’t true.

Howard played a voicemail Richard’s dad left him about their newest pet, a snapping turtle named Snappy. Richard noted Snappy, like most of his parents’ “pets,” would one day be eaten. Howard then played a message Elegant Elliott Offen left with the show. In it, Elliott yelled about how he had predicted months ago that Howard would fail on SIRIUS, and he thought his premonition was coming true, although he had no proof to back up his assertion.

Howard next got to clips of Richard and Sal calling a public access sports show, but all Richard talked about was the weather, while Sal talked about topics like performing oral sex on his own father at a Yankee game and having a baseball bat inserted in his rear end. Because he thought the clips were so funny, Howard also played a number of prank calls Richard and Sal made to public access shows about psychics, dating and science.

After Howard reveal that he had often pleasured himself while thinking of Beth, Sal asked Robin who she thought about when she masturbated, but she wouldn’t answer him. Robin went on to acknowledge she had been with white men in her life, although she denied ever having done anything sexual with her one-time dating partner, Penn Jillette.

compiled by Kerry Picket

• Jimmy Kimmel is getting a game show on ABC called “Set for Life.”

• Sam Champion will be the new weatherman on “Good Morning America.”

• A tribute about Dan Rather will be airing on a night when few people will be watching television.

• Tom Cruise and his movie company, Paramount, have parted ways.

• John Karr will be extradited to Colorado for a hearing.

• Don Vito, one of the stars of “Viva La Bam,” was arrested for allegedly touching two underage girls.

• Experts say Louisiana wouldn’t be prepared to prevent the destruction caused by another hurricane of Katrina’s power.

• World leaders are weighing the possibility of conducting peace talks with Iran.

• Sen. John McCain has called the president out for misleading Americans about the war in Iraq.

• Sen. George Allen has apologized for making racial slurs about one of his opposition’s aides.

• Doctors say Barbaro has been making progress after his surgery.

• A Russian mathematician wouldn’t accept a prestigious award because he didn’t want to be bothered with it.

• Moviegoers in Arizona released two snakes in a theater as a prank during a screening of “Snakes on a Plane.”

• “Idlewild” opens this Friday.