MIKE COMES CLEAN
The Howard Stern Show for December 1, 2008

Howard started off the show saying his hair was changing in a way his hairdresser Toni calls "hormonal." Howard added that so far he's been blessed with good hair - but now the entire back of his head has lost its curl: "It's stick-straight hair. Toni has to take a curling iron to it." She has even suggested that Howard perm the affected area, but Howard refused, even balking at the idea of Beth doing it in private: "To quote [the Iron Sheik], that is gay, and faggot."

Howard claimed his hair issue extended to the nearly 5,000 photos taken at his wedding, which he and Beth have split into three categories: pictures to blow-up/frame (only 7), pictures to send people and pictures for the wedding album. Howard said the process was excruciating: "I don't like the way I'm aging. I don't like the way I look...when I look at myself in the mirror, I kind of look handsome. And then I look at these pictures and I don't look anything like that."

Richard Christy came in to say he went to an area Wal-Mart for the store's super-early Black Friday opening specials: "I got a Blu-Ray DVD player for a hundred and twenty-eight bucks." Robin asked if the people were calm (and not, like a nearby store, a mass of employee-trampling animals), but Richard reported that they were just as crazy at his location: "There were ladies that had been there since 11 o'clock the night before...it was like a zoo. People were going crazy."

High Pitch Mike came in to announce that he had a meltdown after he failed Ed Torian's lie-detector test last month. After Ed found his answer to the "Are you gay?" question to be deceptive, Mike listened to Brian McKnight's "Never Felt This Way" on repeat and realized he was never going to experience the kind of love Howard and Beth or his parents share: "The song made me realize how lonely I was and how empty my life has been...it's time for me to come out of the closet and admit...I am gay."

Mike said he came out to a few people before today's announcement, including his sister, Howard 100 News director Brad Driver and Artie, who was particularly warm and supportive. Mike noted that he also told his mother - even though she'd previously threatened to disown him if he was gay - and she surprised him: "There was anger and disappointment. I said I didn't choose to be this way. No one chooses to be treated like a second-class citizen...she said, 'I love you and I just want you to be happy...I want you to be happy in your life no matter what...I love you more than life itself.'"

Howard told Mike he was very brave ("I'm very proud of you and happy for you.") and asked if Mike had ever been with any guys. Mike said he had: "My mom will listen to this...I don't want to get too explicit." Mike said he first knew he was gay in sixth grade and didn't act on his desires until college: "I haven't been dating actively." Howard asked if Mike felt different, and Mike said he just hoped his could help other people.

Mike then looked back over his previous segments on the show and admitted: "Going to a Michael Jackson concert, that's being a child of the 80s. Going to a Madonna concert, yeah, that's gay." Robin wanted to know Mike's type, so Mike explained that he wasn't into flamboyant gay guys. Howard then predicted that Mike's voice would eventually become lower, as high-pitched voices are usually the result of stress – and Mike has freed himself from its grasp. Mike welcomed the idea: "I hope you're right."

Mike laughed that when he told JD, all he could do was blurt out an angry "Sorry!" so Howard brought JD in and asked him if he'd like to say anything more. JD turned to Mike and said: "I'm glad you're out and you're comfortable and you know uh you can be happy and stuff."

Howard welcomed the three finalists, Ham Hands Bill, Dante, and Sam & Nader in the “I Want To Be Howard Stern” contest, into the studio to decide the winner of.

Howard announced that one vote already went to Sam & Nader, as they were the winners of the online poll. Howard took the remaining votes from the staffers who'd listened to all 3 finalists' shows: Jason voted for Ham Hands Bill and both Howard and Gary voted for Dante.

Fred then registered the final/deciding vote for Dante. A representative from Klondike then came in to present Dante with his $5,000 check.

A caller named Debbie wanted to play a game, so Howard offered her the chance to play the Beetlejuice Barnyard Game. Howard explained that Richard and Sal played a bunch of animal sound effects for Beet and asked him to name the appropriate animal. If Debbie could correctly guess whether or not Beet would know just one animal by its sound, she'd win $1,000. Howard then started in with the sound effects:

The sound of a cat's meow. Debbie didn't think Beet would know the answer, but Beet was ready with it: "It's an f’ing cat! What the f’ are you doing?"

A duck's quack. Debbie again guessed that Beet would be stumped, and Beet was indeed confused: "He's a dog." Howard gave Debbie her $1,000 and decided to continue playing the sounds, as Beet's responses were hilarious:

A monkey's cry: "He's an f’ing pig!"

A turkey's gobble: "I know that's a chicken! You don't have to tell me that!"

A dolphin's squeak: "It's a monkey. What else?"

An elephant's blast: "Elephant, what?"

A horse's neigh: "A horse."

A snake's rattle: "I don't know what the f’ you're talking about."

A pig's snort: "What the f’ is that?"

Black Friday was violent.

MTV aired a Britney Spears documentary yesterday.

Beyonce is Sasha Fierce.

Hostages were killed in Mumbai.

Obama is set to name Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State.

Ted Kennedy is getting an honorary degree from Harvard.

Rudy Tellez, former "Tonight Show" producer, is dead.

Spitzer's whore wants to sing.

Artie asked Teddy to book him a flight to Switzerland...and not for the cheese.

Today is World AIDS Day.

"Four Christmases" is number one at the box office.

Frost/Nixon is coming to theaters.

"Wanted" is out on DVD.