TABITHA SAYS "I DO!"
The Howard Stern Show for December 7, 2004

Artie said he was in a good mood today because he won $2500 on the Seahawks/Cowboys game Monday night by correctly betting on the over. He said since his bookie is under house arrest a friend of his called from Vegas and offered to put a bet down for him. Artie said he let himself be talked into it and now he's glad he did. Howard asked him if he trusted his friend to get him the money back and Artie seemed a little hesitant to answer, but said the guy is a "good kid" and that he's sure he'll get all his money. Artie then announced that his long awaited comedy DVD "It's the Whiskey Talkin'" will be available for sale on his website starting Monday, December 13th. Howard couldn't believe that Artie had a website and Artie said he realized that he was just about the only comedian without one and he knows they can be useful. He didn't get ArtieLange.com though because some Japanese company owns it and they want $200,000 for it. Artie said he wasn't going to pay that much to use his own name so his website is Artie-Lange.com. Artie said the company in Japan had bought his name during his MadTV days. They must by up everyone's name on the low level of show biz, then if any of those guys hit it big they try to wring money out of them like they're doing to Artie.

Speaking of letting whiskey do the talking Artie told everyone about how he got really drunk at his show in Delaware last weekend. Howard said he had heard that Artie got so drunk he couldn't continue the show. Artie said that wasn't true, but he came close. He said he was drinking before the show, then right before he went on, the owner of the club told him that about 200 people had put in requests to buy Artie cocktails to drink on stage. Artie told the guy to have hot girls bring up two of those drinks and he'd do them on stage, but they ended up bringing Artie two huge glasses of Jack Daniels. At this point Howard asked him why he felt so compelled to drink them? Artie said that it's part of his personality and that he knows the crowd loves it, so he doesn't see how he could get away with not drinking them. So he chugged the first glass and ten minutes later chugged the other glass and at which point he realized he was completely hammered. He said he got stuck on a new joke about Gisele Bundchen and just kept saying her last name over and over. "Bundchen, Bundchen, Bundchen." By the end of his act he was so drunk he started kicking some of the potted plants that were on the stage into the audience and almost fell into the front row. After the show, a drunk Artie and comedian Jim Florentine stopped by a Burger King at 4am where Artie got four bacon double cheeseburgers. He said when you're drunk at 4am, those burgers are the most delicious things in the world. Artie said they're a true American delicacy and when it comes down to it they are better than anything you can get in a fancy restaurant. Howard said he'd have to remember no to waste money on taking Artie out to nice restaurants.

Artie had promised High Pitch Erik that he could do some stand up at his Delaware gig only if Erik promised to give back the microphone as soon as Artie asked for it. So 50 minutes into his drunken gig he told the crowd that Erik was going to tell some jokes. The place actually went nuts for him when he walked out on stage and then Erik really won them over when he said "Who's High Pitch" and "Hi Daddy". He should have stopped there though, because as soon as he said he wanted to do impressions the crowd booed him and threw things on stage. Artie tried to get the mic back, but of course High Pitch didn't turn it over. He kept saying he had an act to do and kept dodging Artie. Artie said he had to chase Erik around the stage, drunk and with the audience throwing things at them. Artie said that ever since Erik has been doing funny stuff on the show he walks around with a swagger like he's Eddie Murphy or someone. Artie also said that he had never in his life seen an audience turn on someone like that so quickly. It was amazing.

As impossible as it seems, the censorship rules around the show are getting stricter by the day. Gary told Howard how he was really bummed out again doing Best Of with Tom Chiusano because Tom made them remove a reference to someone "humping" someone else. Howard said he couldn't believe that and then begged the company to just let him go. Tom came running into the studio to say that he had decided last night that that comment could stay in, but Howard said he still wanted to leave. Howard said he's really contemplating not putting Best Of on over Christmas because he hates how much it's being edited, but on the other hand he knows that the audience does like Best Of and they still need something to listen to during their commutes to work. So he's not sure what to do. He said he hoped the audience comes with him to SIRIUS, but for those who don't, he wanted to play them Warren Zevon's "Keep me in your Heart". Of course the staff was having a hard time finding the music and Gary had to call Howard from a back office to explain why it was taking so long to find the song. Howard started getting upset saying he already forgot what he wanted to talk about, but the CD was eventually found and Howard played the song in full.

A fan from Syracuse sent Howard a clip of this morning's show recorded off the radio so he could hear how bad the show was being chopped up. The clip he sent over was from when a misinformed caller tried to tell Howard that he didn't think SIRIUS' finances were very stable. Several during the conversation, there were long periods of silence. At one point Howard says something like "I'll give you my thought on?." then there is silence, so you never hear his thoughts. Artie said that clip was unlistenable and doesn't understand why the Syracuse station is so hell bent on driving listeners away from the station.

Steve the Engineer, better known as "Wood Yi" wanted to come in and talk about today being the first night of Hanukkah. Howard said that he was letting Steve do this because this was important for him to do for some reason. Steve explained that he's getting more involved in Judaism and he just wanted to explain the real meaning of Hanukkah. He said that we're celebrating something that happened over 2000 years ago when the Jews were holding up in a Temple. When the Jews got to the Temple, they only had one day's supply of lamp oil but by some miracle it lasted 8 days, which was long enough for new supplies to get to them. Artie joked that then a Rabbi saw his shadow so that meant 6 more weeks of winter. Steve then tried to explain playing the dreidel and Howard chimed in to say that is the most boring game on earth. Steve then lit the Menorah and said a prayer. Howard said that later in the day, Steve would be performing a Bris on Cabbie's show.

Porn star Tabitha Stevens came on the show today to get spanked by the Robospanker. She actually came up with the great idea to hold an egg in her butt cheeks when the Robospanker hit her so it could splatter. Earlier in the show Howard and Artie had bet on how many whacks it would take to smash the eggs. Artie said it would only take one, but Howard thought it would be more like five shots. Before they got to that though, Tabitha got the shock of her life. Her porn star boyfriend Nick Manning surprised her by calling into the show, then proposing to her live on the air! Tabitha quickly said yes but then didn't really show any emotion. Howard asked if her she planned this because she didn't' seem that shocked, but Tabitha explained that she had taken a Xanax earlier and she wasn't even really able to get too emotional. Tabitha explained that she really loved Nick and he was much better looking than most of the guys she dates. Tabitha said she would be faithful to him in their private life but would still have sex on film. Nick said he'd still do porn films too, and it's up to Tabitha if she wants him to stay faithful in their private life also. After that surprise, Tabitha got into the Robospanker and after a little maneuvering she held the egg in her butt. Howard used the remote to give her the first spank and it cracked the egg. He gave it a few more whacks and by the third the egg was completely smashed and dripping all over the place. Gary said it looked like she had a welt on her ass and hoped that she was ok. Tabitha said she was and that the egg had actually helped cool her ass down a little.

Joe Perry from Aerosmith came in to plug his new line of Joe Perry's Rock Your World Hot Sauces. Howard said he wondered if Joe was really into the hot sauces, or if this was just something he slapped his name on? Joe had said he didn't just slap his name on things, so to test him Howard put out 8 different bowls of hot sauces and two of them were Joe Perry's sauces. Joe has two flavors out, Boneyard Brew and Mango Peach Tango. After tasting the first four, Joe correctly picked out his Boneyard Brew. Everyone was really surprised how easily he was able to find it. Howard said that Joe must really know his hot sauce and he was impressed by that. Howard then asked Joe to play a few Aerosmith riffs on the guitar which Joe did and he also played some riffs off a new solo album he has coming out. Howard asked him if Steven Tyler from Aerosmith gets upset when he puts solo albums out but Joe said that these were songs he brought to Aerosmith that the band never used. Then Joe's 31 year old son Aaron came in to talk about how he's running the hot sauce business. Everyone was shocked to think that Joe could have a 31 year old son! It turns out that Joe is actually a grandfather now and Howard told him not to have his grandkid call him "grandpa". He said that's not cool to hear backstage at a rock concert. Howard tried to figure out how much money Joe was worth and how much money Aaron will get when Joe dies. Joe said his kids will all be taken care of and they are splitting the money evenly. Howard wondered if Aaron gets laid a lot for being Joe Perry's son and Aaron said it helps, but it's not too crazy either. He said he lost his virginity when he was 14 and on the road with his dad. Some of Joe's road crew sent a girl to go have sex with him. Aaron thought his dad was hearing this story for the time but Joe said his road crew told him everything years ago.

During the news the guys got into a conversation about who they thought was hotter, Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan? Fred said that he thinks Jessica has the face of a man so he'd rather do Lindsay. Artie said he'd go with Lindsay too, but not because he thinks Jessica has a face like a man. He just thinks that Lindsay looks "dirty, filthy, hot", like she'd be up for doing anything in and out of bed. During this conversation a guy who claimed to go to school with Lindsay said that she wasn't that hot back in middle school. Howard said that didn't mean anything though because a lot of girls blossom out of high school. Then Chaunce Hayden called in and said that he has seen both girls in person and Lindsay is simply stunning. And the debate rages.