IT’S CUPCAKE DAY
The Howard Stern Show for January 10, 2007

Howard began today with a clip from yesterday’s “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” of Donald Trump discussing his recent feud with Rosie O’Donnell. After playing the clip, Howard mentioned he’d like to see a boxing match between Donald and Rosie, and Robin agreed. However, Howard noted that he still wouldn’t fly to see the bout if it wasn’t held in New York, which led to a discussion about his anxiety. Artie recalled when he started taking Paxil during his “Mad TV” days, and that he eventually had to counterbalance the drug with lithium. After Howard and Robin pointed out how “hardcore” lithium is, Artie admitted he felt like “a real mental patient” while on it, and that he hadn’t taken it since.

Jessica Hahn then called to say she could relate to Artie, not only because she used to be on lithium, but also because she has smoked heroin on occasion as well. Although Jessica insisted she has been clean for a while, Ralph called in to say he doubted she was telling the truth, explaining that, because she lived in Los Angeles, she usually called into the show at about 3 a.m. her time. However, Jessica refuted Ralph’s allegation, informing him she merely had “different hours” than most people when it came to her sleeping schedule.

Howard acknowledged he got “a little choked up” yesterday while celebrating the show’s one-year anniversary, adding that he still appreciated how much freedom he now had compared to what they had on KROCK. To illustrate Howard’s point, Artie reported he called into Nick DiPaolo’s new show on the station yesterday, and was bleeped when he made a remark about homosexuality, a comment that simply stated how some men liked anal sex and others didn’t.

A police officer who was at Artie’s DVD signing yesterday called in to see if Artie was “still on the horse,” but he assured him he wasn’t. Artie then said he was “tired,” which he noted explained his appearance yesterday, plus he signed nearly 300 autographs in three-and-a-half hours at the event.

Once the call was done, Howard reported the latest ratings for KROCK were released, and that, at 1.2, the station now had fewer listeners than it did even when David Lee Roth was on the air. Howard went on to say that KROCK wasn’t the only station suffering such low ratings, and that he felt the numbers meant his old terrestrial radio audience was beginning to follow him “in droves.” Howard also read that experts have suggested that 4 million of SIRIUS’ 6 million subscribers listen to the show, and added that, because people often share radios, his audience could now be closer to 9 million listeners.

Howard brought up that he recently switched back to the Palm Treo phone from the Blackberry, but was now hearing people gush over the recently introduced Apple iPhone. Howard then read an article about the iPhone, which caused Artie to admit he didn’t understand any of the details about new phone. After hearing that, Howard asked Artie if he even owned a cell phone, which he said he did. Artie proceeded to take out his cell phone, which he acknowledged he received from Mercedes Benz when he bought his newest car, and asked Howard if his phone was already “absolete.” Instead of answering Artie’s question, though, Howard referred to him as “a retard” because of the way he pronounced “obsolete.”

This brought Gary into the studio to report that Artie bought a computer four years ago, but that he never used it, despite the fact that it was a very expensive one. Artie admitted that Gary was right, but added one of the reasons he didn’t turn on his computer was because he destroyed it with a baseball bat following an argument with Dana.

After Ralph called in to recommend that Artie get more tech-savvy, Robin mentioned she’d heard Artie had trouble buckling his seatbelt earlier this week when he and Scott DePace were escaping the mysterious gas cloud in Scott’s car. Scott then came into the studio and said the story was true, and that he actually had to buckle Artie in while he was driving.

As Ralph continued to criticize Artie, Howard wondered whose life people would rather have between the two. Although Artie insisted his life was better because of his salary, Gary wasn’t sure who he’d pick, pointing out that, to him, Ralph had no responsibilities, job or conscience. When Robin commented she’d lean toward having Ralph’s life based on Gary’s reasoning, she acknowledged that Artie led the more “normal” of the two lives.

Howard introduced his first guest, David Arquette, as “having the best life” of any man he knew. As soon as David sat down, Howard asked him if his wife, Courtney Cox, “had to bring Jennifer Aniston” with them whenever they went on vacation, which caused David to laugh and say Jennifer’s divorce from Brad Pitt was “sad.” David added he “loved” Brad, but also said he knew he “did some things” to his friend, Jennifer. Because of David’s demeanor, Howard asked him if he smoked marijuana, and David responded by laughing.

When Howard asked if David liked Vince Vaughn, Jennifer’s boyfriend following her divorce, he again began laughing. David admitted, though, that he was “surprised” to find out Brad was having an affair with Angelina Jolie. This led Howard to explain he felt David’s life was perfect not only because he married Courtney, who he referred to as “a piece of ass” with money, but also because of his celebrity friends.

David went on to say he wasn’t a big gossiper, but acknowledged he sometimes liked reading tabloids. David also commented that Jennifer was “the greatest girl” and that she wasn’t “all sad” about her divorce, even though the tabloids suggested otherwise. Despite his remarks, Howard gave his opinion about Jennifer, and how he thought she seemed too “uptight” for him. However, David called Jennifer “private,” and said that she was fun to be around in her personal life.

David then reported he went on vacation in Mexico recently, and that he met up with celebrities like Kevin James, Adam Sandler and Sheryl Crow who happened to be there as well.

David mentioned he and Courtney had one child together, and that he “changed his outlook” on women as soon as he got engaged to her. David proceeded to say he lost his virginity in a threesome when he was 12 to two girls who were graduating from high school, recalling the girls used their mouths on him during the experience.

Upon hearing that, Howard wondered if David was “that good looking,” and Robin assured him he was “cute” and that, until she saw him again today, she’d forgotten “how attractive he was.”

David talked about his personal life, including that his mother used to hit him, and that his sister, Alexis – who used to be his brother – was allowed to visit his child. Howard then reported he interviewed another of David’s sisters, Rosanna, last year before admitting he used to constantly pleasure himself to her. Howard then insisted that David videotape themselves explaining Aunt/Uncle Alexis to their child, but David could only laugh in reply.

David next acknowledged Courtney had a number of sex scenes in her latest show, “Dirt,” while also acknowledging the two of them waited “quite a while” before having sex again after their child was born. David then called the quiet times he was able to share with Courtney and their baby as his “favorite times,” and again laughed when Howard wondered if these times were ever interrupted by Jennifer Aniston calling to complain about her love life.

David also noted that his own show, “In Case of Emergency,” was airing its second episode tonight, and Howard noted it’d received “great” reviews in the New York newspapers.

Before David left the studio, Howard took some calls for him. The first caller asked if Courtney “shaved the grundle,” and he responded she didn’t - fully. David added he didn’t find monogamy hard, noting he was so committed to Courtney that he no longer “sent out a signal” to women that would make him seem available. However, David did admit that he watched porn at times, even though he wouldn’t say whether or not he pleasured himself to the movies.

David then discussed how he had to go to a fertility clinic to have a child with Courtney, and how she was in the waiting room when he “delivered” his “sample” for her. David went on to report doctors took his sperm and combined it with one of Courtney’s eggs, so their child was biological.

King of All Blacks was the next caller, and asked if David ever “had sex with his wife’s feet.” Which, once again, caused David to laugh in response, but he finally denied ever engaging in such a practice with Courtney. Another listener called in to see if David would sign his copy of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” which David starred in, but added that he’d like to have Courtney “rub her breasts against it” as well...causing Howard to hang up on him. Double A also got on the line and asked if David ever “spanked it off” to any of his sisters, but he responded he hadn’t.

While discussing Van Halen’s upcoming induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the topic of mullets came up, and Artie admitted he used to have one. Howard then pointed out he didn’t know what to call his hairdo from the 1980s, noting his hair was so big that he looked like “a mental case.” After Artie questioned one of the outfits Howard wore on “Late Night with David Letterman” back then – which included him tucking his black jeans into his brown beats – Howard added he once hired a fashion consultant, Mr. Ponte, recommended to him by Robin. However, Howard also said his relationship with Mr. Ponte was short-lived because, among other outfits, he bought him a sailor suit accompanied with a belly shirt.

Howard also remembered he appeared on a talk show after he was fired from NBC, and that another of the program’s guests that day, Shirley Hemphill, laughed at him when she saw him in the green room because of the “mustard-yellow jacket” he had on.

Howard played clips from the recent Teen Choice Awards, including one of Johnny Depp accepting an award for his role in “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Upon hearing the tape, Robin called Johnny “a sellout” because of the commercial films he was now in, but Howard didn’t agree with that assessment just because Johnny was in popular movies. When Howard next asked which actors weren’t sellouts given Robin’s criteria, she named Sean Penn while Artie brought up Steve Buscemi.

In the other clips from the awards show, Robin Williams gave a long acceptance speech because, as Artie said, he couldn’t leave the stage as long as the audience was actually laughing at his jokes, and Cameron Diaz talked about how much she loved to make movies.

A police officer called in to ask Howard if he got the PBA cards – which can sometimes be used to get out of traffic tickets – he had left for him when he visited the studio over Christmas, which led Howard to admit he has used PBA cards in the past. Gary then came into the studio and reported he was recently pulled over and got yelled at by the cop when he handed him his PBA card. Ronnie then informed Gary he shouldn’t have handed the card to the officer because doing so was too much like a bribe, instead advising him to stuff it in his wallet and let the cop find it and decide whether or not to let him go in the future. Artie then recalled the time he was let off the hook after being pulled over because he was on “The Norm Show” at the time, even though the officer in question “busted his balls” for 15 minutes about how bad the show was.

Gilbert Gottfried stopped by, and Howard reminded everyone that the last time Gilbert was in he revealed that he and his fiancée were expecting their first baby together. Howard proceeded to play clips of Gilbert’s child’s ultrasound, in which the child referred to its father as “cheap” and “a loser.” Howard then pointed out he found Gilbert to be such “a loner” that he wondered if the baby was planned, but Gilbert wouldn’t answer the question. Following more of the interview Howard did with Gilbert’s child’s ultrasound, Gilbert announced the baby was due in June, and that he thought he was getting married prior to the birth. However, Gilbert added he didn’t have much information on the topic, noting his fiancée was taking care of all the details.

Gilbert mentioned he met his fiancée’s parents “more times than he cared to remember,” and that he didn’t ask her father for permission to marry his daughter. Gilbert also said he knew the guest list for the wedding was going to be small, and that the only people he put on the list were members of the Lewis family: Emanuel, Jerry, Richard and Gary. When Howard next asked Gilbert if he loved his fiancée, he replied, “Oh, yes,” before taking a big drink of water.

Because Gilbert wasn’t reacting to the discussion about his personal life, Howard wondered if he ever got serious about anything, asking for his thoughts about the war in Iraq. However, after claiming he felt badly for “the boys overseas,” Gilbert began laughing, which was also his reaction when Howard asked him if he ever visited his mother’s grave.

• The feud between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump continues to rage on.

• Jason Kidd accused his soon-to-be ex-wife of abusing him.

• Cigarette smoking in cars while children are passengers has been banned in Maine.

• Apple has released its iPhone.

• President Bush will address the nation about Iraq later tonight.

• Senator Kennedy has taken a stance against sending more troops to Iraq.

• Marilyn Manson is rumored to be dating just a day after announcing his plans for divorcing his wife.

• A democratic senator from South Dakota is recovering from a brain hemorrhage, but has kept his title.

• Saddam Hussein’s lawyer said his client double his exercise regimen prior to being hung.

• A village in East India is being renamed after Saddam Hussein.

• The stomach flu is widespread this year.

• “Night at the Museum” was again the number one movie this past weekend.

• The movie has led to an increase in attendance at the Museum of Natural History.