THIS JESUS LOVES YOU
The Howard Stern Show for June 6, 2006

Howard started the show pointing out that they had musical instruments in the studio just in case the Losers decided to reunite to back up James Brown if he performs before Artie’s roast on Thursday. This led Artie to say he’s been a roastee a number of times in the past and he’s looking forward to his next turn. After Howard and Artie came up with a list of topics the roasters are likely to discuss – including Dana, his weight, his bald spot, his cocaine habit and his close relationship to his mother – Artie added that he wasn’t worried about any of the performers overstepping boundaries, especially because he’s friends with all of them. Artie also mentioned, though, he’s been writing comebacks of his own, so he has material to offer about each of the participants as well.

Howard noted he specifically requested comedian, Jeffrey Ross, take part in the roast, but he declined the offer. Howard went on to say Jeffrey has been trying to get on the show for quite a while and the fact that he turned him down over money reminded him of something Jackie would do. Gary then came into the studio and announced Norm MacDonald and David Spade were contacted to participate in the roast as well, but they won’t be in the city that day.

Howard said he read Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” has become the most-played song in the history of radio. After mentioning how attractive he finds Shakira, Howard noted that Leslie West sent him a letter yesterday claiming Jay-Z’s song, “99 Problems,” sampled some of his music, so Fred played a part of the song, but no one could really tell. Howard next played portions of the Top Five songs in the country, but was told by Gary via his intercom that he had used an old list. Sal was then heard in the background scolding Gary for his mistake of not putting the right Top Five list in Howard’s computer.

Robin said she heard a funny Page 69 story yesterday about Gary acting like King Kong when the M&Ms he bought got stuck in the vending machine and Gary, who came into the studio, admitted the story was true. Howard replied he’s been eating dessert more often than he’d like, including tartufo following his dinner last night. Howard went on to say Beth’s been a bad influence on him when it comes to snacks because she eats all she wants, yet never gains any weight.

• Howard saw pictures of a three-armed baby born recently in China and it reminded him of the plot of X-Men, explaining to Artie that it was about a group of mutants who are at war with humans over their deformities. Robin responded she thought “X-Men: The Last Stand” was the best “X-Men” film of the trilogy and Howard agreed. However, Robin and Howard didn’t see eye-to-eye about the talent of Vince Vaughan, the star of the country’s newest top movie, “The Break Up,” with Howard saying he couldn’t understand why Robin felt he was funny.

• Howard reported that the first photos of Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s baby have been sold for $4 million and the money will go to relief efforts in Africa. Upon finding out that the couple’s baby, Shiloh Nouvel, is a girl, Artie commented he’ll have to start living a healthier life just so he can see how attractive she’ll be when she turns 18.

• Howard mentioned a woman had a c-section yesterday to avoid having her baby on 6/6/06. Robin replied she wanted “to get off the planet” because of how silly she found the news, while Artie added he noticed for the first time ever this morning a 666 address on a building he passes everyday before work.

• Howard was about to read an article about how women’s voices are allegedly getting deeper, but didn’t do so because Gary didn’t have his clips of Kathleen Turner ready. Gary explained the clips in question had yet to be sorted from the show’s days at KROCK, which Howard couldn’t believe, seeing as they’ve been broadcasting on satellite since January. Howard then reported he was watching Gary beat up Sal in his office on his monitor.

Howard also acknowledged he’s been getting emails from listeners wanting to know why he hasn’t mentioned his settlement with CBS and he said he might be able to address the topic tomorrow once he has a meeting with his lawyer later today.

• Howard, who claimed he went fishing a couple of times during his vacation only to release all the fish he caught, thanked Sam Simon for sending him another inspirational email – like the one he wrote when news of his CBS lawsuit was first starting to surface earlier this year. Howard explained Sam’s latest message warned him about the suffering fish encounter when they’re caught and released into the water, adding that he’s thinking about changing his email address because of the note.

• After discussing how Meatloaf is suing his writing partner, Jim Steinman, over the use of the phrase “Bat Out of Hell,” he played a clip of Paris Hilton’s new song, “Stars are Blind.” Although he admitted he doesn’t want to see Paris succeed, Howard pointed out, to him, the song sounded like most of the other songs he hears on the radio, so it might be a hit.

• Howard played a clip of David Lee Roth being interviewed on Neil Cavuto’s “Your World” on Fox News. In the tape, David said he wasn’t bitter about being fired from Free FM and that CBS execs essentially wanted him to do a rip-off of Howard’s program, which was something he wasn’t interested in doing. When David next claimed he didn’t think anyone from CBS wanted him to succeed, Howard didn’t agree, adding the amount of money they agreed to pay him suggested otherwise.

After David mentioned that Eddie Van Halen was the one member of Van Halen holding up his return to the group, Howard wondered why the two couldn’t put their differences aside to go out on tour and make money. However, Fred replied doing so would be difficult for people who don’t get along because of the amount of time they have to spend together on the road.

Howard played a voice message Tabitha Stevens left, in which she admitted she was “a little bit upset” over Eric the Midget’s refusal to let her give him a handjob. After Howard played the rest of the tape, Eric called in and claimed Tabitha’s description in her message of what she’d do to him sexually didn’t turn him on at all. Howard then revealed that Eric had agreed to be lifted off the ground by weather balloons for the chance to meet Katharine McPhee of “American Idol” if she comes on the show, although he didn’t like that Eric demanded he be in a chair during the experiment. Eric replied he wanted to use the chair in order to feel safer and he wouldn’t go through with it without one. To prove just how serious he was, Eric also noted he wouldn’t be floated in a crib or a pizza box either.

Bobo called in to ask Eric why he wouldn’t have sex with Tabitha, which led to Eric saying he was sick of people – from Howard to the readers of his MySpace page – asking him that question. Howard went on to play a message Eric left yesterday agreeing to being floated by the balloons. In it, Eric demanded he receive more of a prize than just meeting Katharine if he went through with the flying and that the flying would have to be completed before Katharine came into the studio so she wouldn’t see him. Following the tape, Howard asked what other prize Eric wanted in addition to meeting Katharine and he responded he wanted his flying to be the last “stupid thing” he’d have to do for the show.

After Howard admitted he didn’t know if he’d be able to meet Eric’s demand, he told him the show still hasn’t booked Katharine as of yet, but, if Eric agrees to be flown, he joked that he’d kidnap her if he had to just to see it.

Greg Gordon, a man who believes he’s Jesus, called in to discuss his life. Greg told Howard he’s currently relegated to home confinement for making threats against George W. Bush and this was after he spent 3 years in jail for other threats he made. Greg recalled his first run-in with the law occurred right after Ronald Reagan left office, when he broke into the former president’s house. Greg admitted he was surprised he was able to actually get into Reagan’s house because of the Secret Service agents surrounding it. Greg added he didn’t see Ronald in the house, although he did spot Nancy, who he noted called in the secret service as soon as she saw him. Greg went on to say he believed Ronald was the antichrist for various reasons – like the fact that each of his names, Ronald Wilson Reagan, had six letters in it which he felt was representative of 666 – which was the reason why he broke into his house.

Greg reported he got three years in prison for breaking into Reagan’s house, as well as another three for yelling that he was planning on killing Bush in a Philadelphia train station. When asked why he didn’t believe Bush was also the anti-Christ, Greg replied that Bush was just stupid, not evil. Despite his legal troubles, Greg told Howard he lives in midtown Manhattan where he pays only $162 a month for rent.

Greg mentioned he had “a number of boyfriends” during his six years in prison, which led Robin to wonder if he believed people would accept the notion that Jesus has had gay sexual experiences. Greg responded, though, there are passages in the bible that suggest Jesus was homosexual, as long as they’re willing to find the verses.

Misty the Prostitute, another person who believes she’s the messiah, came into the studio to confront Greg. When Greg told Misty he helped defeat Satan by writing a letter stating he wanted Ronald Reagan to die the week before he passed away, he asked her what she ever did to battle the antichrist. However, Misty insisted only a “rewrite of the bible” will bring down Satan, so she didn’t think Greg actually did anything to defeat evil.

Gary announced Misty brought her 8-year-old daughter with her this morning, and he wondered if she should’ve been drinking in front of her at 8:30. As Misty was explaining she only drinks in the morning when she goes to court or appears on the show and that it was only one beer, Greg interrupted her and said he might’ve killed another man who claimed to be Jesus when they were in a mental facility together. Greg went on to say the workers at the facility allegedly made him and the other man who thought he was Jesus fight in order to determine which would be the “real” Jesus and he “took a chunk” out of his opponent’s jugular vein. However, Greg added he wasn’t sure if he killed the guy because he blacked out for two weeks after the incident.

Misty told Howard she was “working” truck stops yesterday during her ride to New York. Misty also noted she usually charges $200 for her sessions, but she lowers her price tag to $50 when she goes to truck stops. When Robin wondered why Misty hadn’t performed any miracles even though she was supposedly the messiah, Howard responded she performs miracles every time she charges only $50 for sex.

When Janice Dickinson came into the studio, she showed Howard a picture Misty’s daughter made in the green room, which was of penises coming out of men’s backsides. As Janice went on to criticize Misty’s parental abilities, Misty reentered the studio and insisted that she’s a good mother before referring to Janice as a “snobby whore.” Misty added “the authorities” have interviewed her about her daughter and all of them have determined that she is fit to have custody of her daughter.

Howard then asked Janice what advice she’d give Misty, but Misty jumped in and commented she didn’t appreciate being called a bad mother. Howard responded he saw Janice get upset when someone on “The Surreal Life” accused her of being a bad mother, so she should understand why Misty was reacting the way she was. Janice admitted she had her share of problems when her kids were growing up, but insisted she never drank or did drugs in front of them.

Before Misty left the studio, she gave Janice a hug, although the two exchanged more words about Misty’s fitness as a parent.

Once Misty was gone, Janice apologized to Howard for her last appearance on the show. Janice acknowledged she had spent the night before her most recent appearance drinking vodka and “maybe some other substances,” so she wasn’t herself when she was being interviewed. Howard accepted Janice’s apology, and brought up the time he ran into her at a bar and thought he could’ve had sex with her if he had wanted to. Janice replied that she remembered the night in question, but told Howard she wasn’t sending him any signals during their encounter. Janice went on to say, though, that Howard has always been high on her list of men she was interested in.

Janice mentioned her new show, “The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency,” isn’t like her former program, “America’s Next Top Model,” because it actually gives the participants careers in modeling. Janice added most of the people who appear on “The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” are men and women she discovered on the street.

Howard commented that Janice also has a book, “Check Please!,” out as well. Janice said her newest book is about her sex life, before noting she’s been with more than 1,000 partners in her life. When Janice refused to tell Howard who her ugliest partner was, Gary came into the studio and guessed it was Jon Lovitz. Janice replied, though, Jon was one of her best lovers and went on to recall Roman Polanski was her worst date because he barely talked to her throughout their time together and did not end up sleeping with him.

Howard asked Janice if she was ever with Bill Cosby, but she told him she couldn’t talk about that story because her publishing company didn’t want her to. Janice also reported she has had sex with Kelly LeBrock, as well as a threesome with Grace Jones and Dolph Lundgren. Before she left, Howard asked Janice if she felt Carol Alt was ever a supermodel, which she said she was. Fred replied once again, though, he still didn’t buy into the supermodel label for Carol, explaining, to him, she never achieved the notoriety needed to be a supermodel.

Howard played a new game with a caller named Lee who had to guess which was older: Howard, who was born on January 12, 1954, or the place, object or person he named. In order to win, Lee had to get three out of five answers correct.

• Howard or McDonalds: Lee responded it was McDonalds, but he was incorrect, because the restaurant opened on April 15, 1955.

• Howard or the polio vaccine: Lee admitted he didn’t know what the polio vaccine was, so he guessed that was the answer, but he was wrong, because the vaccine was discovered in April 1955.

• Howard or Disneyland: Lee lost the game when he guessed Disneyland, which opened in July 1955.

Although he didn’t get any of the answers correct, Howard still gave Lee a $500 prize.

Howard announced that, as she was leaving Sirius this morning, Janice Dickinson asked Penny Crone if she was Howard’s mother. Howard went on to report that Sal played a joke yesterday on Penny, when he told her his wife’s name is “Denise Ann.” Howard then played a clip of a story Penny did about Sal’s wife yesterday on The Howard 100 News, in which she incorrectly referred to her as “Denise Ann.”

Penny came into the studio and told Howard that Sal has been trying to get her fired and this was the latest example of his tactics. As Penny also noted Sal constantly hits her with a dildo in front of her son, who’s an intern on the show this semester, Sal put a piece of tape over her mouth. Howard promised Penny he’d look into Sal’s behavior and told her he’d help her keep her job by making Sal’s wife legally change her name to “Denise Ann.”

Coach Mike called in to talk about the vaginal thermometer he invented and Howard remembered how his mom used to take his temperature rectally until he was 14. Howard then wondered if Robin ever felt uncomfortable working as a nurse and she claimed she never did. However, Robin admitted she once straddled one of her patients in the hospital when he told her he didn’t think he was a man anymore because of the accident he was in, and she wanted to prove otherwise. Robin acknowledged she was shocked by her own behavior, but assured Howard she didn’t take her act with the man any further.

Since they were talking about disabilities, Artie told a story about how he had to assist his father – who was a quadriplegic after falling off a roof – when he defecated because he was unable to perform the act on his own. Upon hearing this, Howard informed Artie he just gave his roasters another topic for his roast on Thursday.

compiled by Kerry Picket

• Meredith Vieira will be roasted during her last appearance as co-host of “The View.”

• David Copperfield plans on impregnating a woman for his next illusion without touching her.

• Patrick Kennedy was released from rehab yesterday.

• President Bush is still pushing for a ban on gay marriages in America.

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are selling pictures of their daughter, Shiloh Nouvel, for at least $4 million.

• John Voight and his daughter, Angelina Jolie, have always had problems

• Woody Harrelson and his wife had their third daughter together.

• Attackers kidnapped 50 people yesterday in Iraq.

• Cartoonist, Alex Toth, died last week.

• The World Cup is set to begin on Friday.

• Michelle Wie failed to qualify for the U.S. Open.

• Batwoman is the most recent public figure to come out of the closet.

• DMX got in more automobile-related trouble after he was ticketed for speeding.

• Rob Zombie will direct the newest installment of the “Halloween” franchise.