DEFENDING HER CROWN
The Howard Stern Show for May 23, 2006

The show started with Howard admitting he stayed up last night to watch Oprah’s “Legends Ball.” Howard said the program, in which Oprah held a party at her house to honor successful African American women, began with Oprah giving a tour of her house, which he described as “incredible.” Howard then reported Oprah divided the attendees into two categories – “youngins” and legends – although he found some members of the first group, like Halle Berry, Mariah Carey and Naomi Campbell, questionable. Howard also noted that only white people worked as servants at the event, which he believed was a calculated decision on Oprah’s part. Howard played a clip of the “youngins” reciting a poem to the legends, complete with dramatic tears from those involved because they were so moved by the experience.

Howard responded to the clip by saying he wanted to host his own ball featuring members of the Wack Pack and proceeded to take a call from Gary the Retard, who noted he was still having trouble with his ex-girlfriend, Jennifer. Gary said Jennifer has been calling him for money again and even took his food money last week. When Howard asked why Gary would give his money to Jennifer, he claimed he does it because she promises to be his girlfriend for the cash. Gary added, from now on, though, he plans on telling Jennifer “F’ no” when she asks for money. Howard went on to ask Gary why he lied to him earlier this year when he claimed he and Jennifer were having sex with each other and he explained it was because she was in the same room as him at the time.

Howard brought up that Suzanne Muldowney, better known as Underdog Lady, was on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” last night, which led him to point out that Jimmy gets a number of guests from his show, including Artie this past Friday. Before playing a clip of Suzanne, Howard commented that she didn’t seem to mind that the audience was laughing at her while she talked to Jimmy, but when she used to appear on his show, she got angry whenever she drew laughs. Howard then played the clip, which featured Suzanne talking about her desire to get “figure jogging” into the Olympics.

King of All Japs called in to ask if he could get a shot at sleeping with Siobhan the Transsexual, but Howard told him he might need to hire a porn star for the job because of Siobhan’s appearance. Howard went on to say the guy who tried to do it yesterday, John, did a great job, even though he didn’t end up “closing the deal.” Despite Howard’s feelings, though, King insisted he’d be able to go through with the ordeal, so Howard put him on hold to talk to Gary about it.

John then called in and reported that the smell in Siobhan’s apartment and the fact that one of her 30 cats clawed him as soon as he got there turned him off, plus, Siobhan’s exposed hemorrhoid didn’t help matters either. John also admitted there were so many “obstacles” at Siobhan’s apartment yesterday that his penis kept shrinking during his session with her.

Artie commented that he’d never seen a hemorrhoid before, so he wanted to know how Siobhan was able to get it back inside her body. Robin replied by explaining that since a hemorrhoid is actually a blood vessel that “bulges out” of the body, it needs to go back into it. After hearing this, Artie asked John how he didn’t run out of Siobhan’s apartment as soon as he saw the hemorrhoid, which he acknowledged wasn’t easy. John went on to say that Siobhan had ropes hanging from her ceiling, which cats cats would swingfrom. Isaac from Howard TV then came into the studio and announced John’s visit to Siobhan’s apartment will be turned into an hour-long special that will air either next month or in early July. [Apartment Photos by Shuli]

Eric the Midget called in to report that he called Katharine McPhee of “American Idol” yesterday after receiving her number from Howard in exchange for measuring his penis. Eric added that he left Katharine “a nice, brief message” explaining he was a fan and hoped he could meet her when she goes on tour. Howard then brought up the fact that a number of e-mailers suggested Eric wasn’t telling the truth when he reported his penis was five inches, but Robin claimed that she believed him. Eric also commented he measured himself before getting on the phone with Howard, so he didn’t do it while he was on the air with him. Upon finding out that Eric stood 3’5”, Artie admitted his penis was large in relation to his body size.

Howard wanted to know if Eric planned on calling Katharine again, even if she didn’t return his message and he said he would do so only to congratulate her if she won on “American Idol.” After Gary instructed Eric not to call Katharine again until after the “American Idol” finale, Ralph called in and noted Eric should’ve told Katharine in his message that he votes for his favorite singers “8,000 times” per episodes, so he could help her win if she was nice to him. However, Eric responded he couldn’t tell Katharine that because the most he ever voted in one night was 400 times.

Howard asked Eric to pretend he was calling Katharine so he could hear his message. Eric proceeded to leave a fake message, in which he wished Katharine luck before telling her he’d vote for her as often as he could. Howard told Eric he needed to get into more detail the next time he called Katharine about how often he votes, adding he should say he controls a block of 10,000 votes. When Eric responded by saying that he didn’t want to lie to Katharine, Artie informed him that men sometimes have to lie to attract women, adding he’s pulled the stunt himself in regard to the therapy he told Dana he was getting.

Howard played two clips from Jason and Will’s Page 69 gossip segment from the Howard 100 News. In the first segment, Jason reported he went to the private screening of “X-Men: The Last Stand” with Howard and some other people from the show last week and JD was complaining after it was over because Howard was eating an apple that distracted him. Howard responded to the report by claiming he finished his apple within 30 seconds of the opening credits before taking JD off his list of people who could accompany him to future private screenings.

When Howard got to the next clip, which was about how Sal was having trouble masturbating, he stopped it right away because he didn’t want to hear about Sal’s problem.

When Andrea, better known as Miss Howard Stern, came into the studio, Howard pointed out her breasts were bigger than before and he wanted to know why she wouldn’t pursue a career in porn. Andrea responded that her dream has always been to have a career doing voiceovers for cartoons and she didn’t want to jeopardize that by entering the adult entertainment world. Gary then came into the studio and reported Andrea claimed that she turned down $1 million to be in porn, but she said that wasn’t true, before apologizing to everyone for her decision. After Andrea showed off her voiceover talent – which included saying the line “But I still got some whiskey left, set her down” in her “country” voice – Howard advised her to reconsider a career in porn.

Tabitha Stevens called in to ask Andrea if she was okay. As Andrea admitted she was feeling down because of the recent deaths of her fiancé and best friend, she then laughed and gave “a shout out” to KC. This led Howard to mention he heard she’d had sex with KC and Andrea told him it was true. However, when Andrea refused to give any details about her time with KC, Tabitha commented she thought Andrea had a drinking problem, an allegation Andrea denied. Andrea went on to say, though, that when she gets depressed, she cries, goes to clubs until closing time and then buys beer at a gas station on her way home so she can drink some more.

Howard brought up the fact that Andrea flew to New York on a private plane and he asked her how she managed to get the trip. Andrea responded that she has friends, but sometimes “misses planes really bad,” so she has to “look into other options.” Howard admitted he didn’t understand Andrea’s explanation and asked her if KC was good in bed instead, a question to which she gave two thumbs up. As Andrea went on to talk about how she and KC once drank while eating pancakes at breakfast one morning, Howard noted he didn’t follow that response either. Tabitha then recommended that Howard look into sending Andrea to rehab, because she thought she was in denial about her drinking. However, Andrea informed Tabitha she wasn’t correct, noting she’s been in denial her entire life, so the last thing she needed was rehab.

Robin wondered if Andrea’s title of Miss Howard Stern was adding excess pressure to her life, but she claimed it wasn’t. In fact, when Howard suggested that they hold another competition to have Andrea defend her crown, she demanded he not do so, saying such a contest would be useless seeing as she still has “the same beliefs” as when she was given the moniker – another statement nobody understood.

After Howard played a clip of Andrea’s new movie, “Dorm of the Dead,” he took a number of calls from listeners who wanted Andrea to ride the Sybian. Andrea responded that she couldn’t get on the Sybian, though, because she wanted to walk away with her pride. Even though Howard played an alleged clip of Katie Holmes on the Sybian, Andrea told him she wasn’t as stupid as he thought, and proceeded again to turn down the offer.

Fran Drescher stopped by to talk about her latest play, “Some Girls,” but before he got to that, Howard mentioned that he once received a call from Fran that he took as a sign she wanted him sexually. Fran recalled the conversation in question and admitted she was “putting it out there” without realizing Howard was with Beth when she called. Howard then pointed out that he sees Fran at his gym regularly and he wondered if that was because she has a scene in “Some Girls” where she wears nothing but a bra and panties. After Fran acknowledged that was the reason she’s been working out so much, she also added that she likes to be “natural,” and therefore doesn’t shave her pubic hair.

Howard then informed Fran he didn’t agree with women keeping all their pubic hair. To illustrate his point, Howard mentioned he read women had pubic hair “in the caveman days” to trap their scent in order to attract men. However, Fran said she thought that was just one of several reasons women have pubic hair, adding protection from bacteria and the sun were others.

Howard remembered the last time Fran was in the studio, she was dating a former NBA player. Fran commented that relationship ended, though, mostly because she didn’t think they had many things in common. This led Howard to ask Fran if she could go back to regular-sized penises after having been with an athlete, but she claimed her former boyfriend wasn’t as large as he thought. Fran went on to say she hasn’t been dating as of late, but added she does have an “F’ buddy” who keeps her sexually satisfied. When Howard asked if Fran had any emotional attachment to her special friend, she told him she didn’t and that they don’t even go out on dates when they get together.

Hooknose Mike called in and asked Fran if she still had money from “The Nanny,” which she said she did because she owned part of the program. Hooknose also told Fran he’d like to see her in Playboy, but she told him she wouldn’t do that because she might want to pursue a political career as a congresswoman or senator in the future. Upon hearing this, Howard held an impromptu press conference with Fran, asking what she thought about capital punishment. Fran replied she used to support it, but ever since she starred in a play called “Exonerated,” which, she explained, was about a man on death row who had been wrongfully convicted, she changed her stance.

Fran reported she only uses here hands to pleasure herself, explaining that she feels toys take away from the experience of being with a man. Fran went on to admit she once fantasized about Howard while masturbating, but she wouldn’t reveal any of the details about her fantasy.

Howard got Siobhan on the phone and told her she should’ve cleaned her apartment before John showed up yesterday. Despite all the reports to the contrary, Siobhan claimed she did, in fact, tidy up on Sunday night and that everyone else was exaggerating how bad it was. A listener called in and noted he had a friend who wanted to have sex with Siobhan, but she responded that sex wasn’t all she wanted from a man. Howard told Siobhan, though, she needed to take what she could get and he’d get back in touch with her if he found someone else who was up for the task of being with her.

Since the question was raised on the show yesterday of whether Joe Pesci retired from acting, Howard said it was a coincidence that Gary Garver ran into Joe recently at a golf course to talk to him. In the clip, Joe noted he never officially retired from acting, but added he’s been more selective about his roles since 1999. When Joe was asked who the “hottest piece of ass in Hollywood” was, he responded there were too many to name, but that he wouldn’t mind being with Beth. Joe then reported he trims his pubic hair before also mentioning Jessica Simpson as someone else who turns him on.

As George Flowers noted, The Howard 100 News was working on a story about what “the gayest” thing the guys from the show have done to get women. Howard pointed out that he thought Artie’s moment was when he decided to write the letter he sent Dana a few weeks ago. Artie explained the handwritten letter was four pages long and his bad penmanship and grammar worried him. Artie then acknowledged he wrote the letter because he never learned how to type properly, despite the fact that he took a typing class when he was in eighth grade. However, Artie said the only thing he typed the entire year was that his typing teacher was gay.

Gary announced that Andrea “started gulping Jack Daniels” after her appearance this morning and Ronnie the Limo Driver said he could get her back in the studio if Howard wanted her, which he said he did. As Howard played a song a drunken Andrea sang after leaving the studio earlier, she came back in and insisted it was nobody’s business what she was drinking. Andrea then admitted she was worried about going to hell because she used to overcharge men for the lap dances she performed on them.

Andrea told Howard she wanted more to drink and asked “Christy Richard” to bring her bottle of Jack Daniels to the studio. When Howard suggested he hold an intervention for Andrea, she responded, “Intervention, my ass.” Andrea went on to explain she only drinks on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, which are the days she doesn’t have custody of her child. However, Andrea didn’t have an answer as to why she was consuming alcohol today, a Tuesday.

Andrea agreed to get on the Sybian, but only if Howard promised to straighten out the situation if the people from the Cartoon Network ever refused her a job because of it. Andrea also pointed out that the Sybian wouldn’t have any effect on her because she had no sex drive, before commenting she didn’t want to “get AIDS” from the machine. After Gary assured Andrea she had nothing to worry about because she was not only wearing her underwear, but the attachment on the Sybian was brand new as well, she got on it. Andrea proceeded to jump off the machine after a few seconds, though, and announced that, at 23 years old, she’ll be graduating from high school next month, which Robin congratulated her for.

Once Andrea left the studio, Howard instructed Gary to make sure she was given time to recover from her drinking before going back out onto the street.

Compiled by Kerry Picket

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