THE BELZ IS EVERYWHERE
The Howard Stern Show for October 13, 2009

Howard started off the show welcoming George Takei to the studio and noting that Artie was out today, as he's been – oddly enough – 4 of the 10 weeks George has sat in as the show's announcer: "We were out Friday and Monday. It's fine, but...I've tried to figure out whether Artie's on drugs or not because I'm always wrong." Howard later asked the crew if they thought Artie was sick or back on drugs.

George gave Artie the benefit of the doubt: "I think health-wise he's very fragile."

Fred disagreed, but only in the hopes he was proved wrong as he has in the past: "He's on the sauce again."

Robin was also skeptical: "I want him to be sick but I don't think he is." Benjy speculated: "But that might mean he was using before and got off again."

Jon Hein was generous: "I think he's exhausted and therefore sick."

Howard said he was sick himself – of betting in favor of Artie's sobriety and being repeatedly proved wrong.

George said he'd only be in today and tomorrow, as he would be speaking at Drexel University in Philadelphia on Wednesday about his childhood. George added that Brad was traveling with him, as he usually does, unless George is headed somewhere freaky, like Romania. Howard thought Brad wouldn't like Vegas, as posters advertising Scott the Engineer's upcoming DJ gig at Club Pure were plastered all over Caesar's Palace. Scott came in to laugh: "I'm surprised I didn't scare people away."

Howard reported that Beth O was back home after being away taping her role as a judge on ABC's “True Beauty,” explaining that the show took 8 men and 8 women and told them they were competing in a beauty pageant to be the face of Las Vegas. The twist was that they're judged on their inner beauty. Beth O got in Saturday afternoon: "You would've thought the two of us never saw each other...we had this whole big reunion. It was sexual, of course." Howard said the sex was bizarrely passionate: "We hadn't seen each other in a while so it was filled with massive neediness."

Eric the Midget called in to say he saw Beth O at a Criss Angel show in Las Vegas over the weekend. Howard confirmed Beth's presence at the show and asked what Eric had done besides stalk his wife. Eric said he'd also "checked out the different hotels and played the slot machines a little bit." Eric did say that he wanted to go say hi to Beth but his parents didn’t want him to because they were afraid she’d be mean to him.

A caller asked if Captain Dennis was still working as Robin's assistant, and Robin confirmed it: "He just survived his first meltdown." Robin explained that Dennis had rearranged the AV equipment in her exercise room: "All I wanted to do was turn on the game while I did some things and I couldn't. I couldn't even change the channel. All I could watch was QVC." Robin laughed that she'd tried to remain calm but lost it when Dennis tried to explain what he'd done: "He doesn't know how it's supposed to work."

Carnie Wilson called in to promote her gig as host on the new season of “The Newlywed Game.” Howard asked Carnie why she had gastric bypass before her pregnancy, and Carnie snapped: "It would've been great if timing worked out like that." Carnie admitted that she'd struggled with post-partum depression and alcoholism after her pregnancy: "I've always been an addict. That's what I know now...I have not had a joint or a smoke or a drink for five years. And I want to kill someone."

Carnie told the crew she was even wasted during her Playboy photoshoot: "That's what they do. They hand you a glass of wine the second you walk through the door." Carnie said she later handled her issues with AA and associated programs: "I am heavily into 12-step." Howard asked Carnie if she believe her friend Mackenzie Phillip's claim that she’d slept with her dad. Carnie said she did believe her("Yeah I do."), but hedged: "It's so messy right now...it's just sad because John's dead."

Richard Belzer stopped by to promote his new book, “I Am Not A Psychic,” and told Robin he liked her hair "like that." Robin asked what he meant, so Richard deadpanned: "Like a back-up singer for King Sunny Ade." Richard then noted his disappointment in NBC's decision to air “The Jay Leno Show” at 10pm, as it puts "thousands" of people out of work: "It's not Jay's fault. Jay's there because they were afraid of losing Conan."

Richard told the crew about meeting Roman Polanski last year in Paris at a Lou Reed concert: "I was gracious. I didn't get buddy-buddy with him." Richard said he sympathized with Polanski's victim, as he'd also been sexually abused as a child – but by his rabbi: "Nobody believed me." Under questioning, Richard also confessed to another sexual assault on public transit and described how his rabbi would put his hand down his pants while grading papers.

Meet 2-year-old genius Oscar Wrigley.

Michelle Mack has only half a brain.

Michael Jackson's posthumous single was penned by Paul Anka.

The birth control pill changes what women are attracted to.

Rolling Stone has a list of the best peace songs.

September 11th rescue workers are still dying.

Barbra Streisand is auctioning off a bunch of memorabilia.

Elvis' hair is being auctioned.

The Yankees will face the Angels in the ALCS.

“Couples Retreat” was number one at the box office.