A BUSY, BUSY DAY
The Howard Stern Show for September 28, 2006

Howard opened announcing that they had a busy show with John Stamos, Red Peters, Nick and Aaron Carter, and Bruce Hornsby all scheduled to appear this morning. Although Robin commented that she didn’t think Howard would be able to get to all the guests, he assured her he would. Howard then read a story that claimed a Website devoted to him, Howard Shrine, was battling the Stern Fan Network, and was allegedly doing just as well as SFN, even though it got no publicity on the show. Howard added he didn’t know Howard Shrine existed, and that he was introduced to SFN through Ross Zapin earlier this year. Jon Hein came into the studio to report members of Howard Shrine have accused SFN of not allowing its members to criticize the show, which Howard didn’t think was the case. Howard then questioned why Mutt, the founder of SFN, ran his Website, seeing as how “thankless” he thought the job was.

Howard brought up that Monday morning would be the premiere of “Master Tape Theatre,” which he explained is a program that airs complete, uncensored shows from the past 20+ years, hosted by a man named Sir Harden Thicke, “a certified archivist.” Howard next said the people celebrating Yom Kippur, which is on Monday, could still listen to the show, even though it was such a holy day. Howard then noted Yom Kippur is a day of atonement for Jewish people, and Robin wondered why people of the faith worried about pleasing God if they didn’t believe in hell. However, Howard didn’t really have an answer

While Howard mentioned he watched “The Biggest Loser” last night, Artie said his “gay night” involved watching the Yankees game and seeing Johnny Damon hit a homerun and get to shake the hand of Bruce Springsteen, who was sitting in the first row. This led Artie to point out the Mets were struggling, and Gary acknowledged he was nervous about the team’s slide.

As Artie and Gary continued their discussion about the Mets, Howard interrupted them and said he wanted to get to “something funny,” and proceeded to play a prank call of Mike Walker calling a porn store.

Howard got to this week’s picks for the football pool, with the contestants making the following bets:

• Crazy Alice, who again got into a shouting match with Artie, chose the Dallas Cowboys giving 11 points to the Titans.

• Big Foot went head to head with Alice picking the Tennessee Titans getting those 11 points from the Cowboys, before saying he was about to get kicked out of the hotel he’s been living because of all the guests who visit him on a regular basis.

• A relatively subdued Elegant Elliott Offen started his call plugging his Website, www.gangstertalk.us, and went on to take the Cincinnati Bengals, giving 7 points to the Patriots.

• Artie picked the New Orleans Saints getting 7.5 points from the Panthers.

John Stamos, who is now on “ER,” came into the studio. After Howard said “ER” always had to have a good-looking actor on the show, John mentioned he’d never have plastic surgery, and added he looked young because of how much sleep he gets every night. John then claimed he wasn’t a “sex addict,” although Howard wasn’t so sure. To back up his point, Howard noted how John got “in trouble” when he talked about his relationship with Denise Richards the last time he was on the show, but John said that wasn’t true, and that Denise wasn’t upset with him at all. John went on to mention he hadn’t had much sex the past nine months, mostly because he hadn’t been drinking during that time.

This led John to point out he felt Artie was “so smart and respected” that he hoped he was able to avoid any future problems with drugs, and Artie thanked him for the support. John also denied that he had sex with Sheryl Crow as Howard had read, adding that it was a tabloid story with no merit.

Howard noted John had a new publicist, and that everyone in the hall felt she was attractive. However, John claimed he had just met the woman this morning, which meant he hadn’t had sex with her. John went on to say “ER” was still a ratings hit, and that, although he didn’t want to “gush” about it, he thought working for the show was “great.” John then said he had to film a love scene in a shower recently for “ER,” and that he was concerned about getting an erection during the shoot, but was saved when things became “too technical” for him to do so. Howard responded that he didn’t feel the same way when he filmed “Private Parts,” explaining he couldn’t control his urges in his love scenes.

John brought up that he was friends with Don Rickles, and that he wanted to get in touch with Artie so the three of them could hang out. John then said Don remembered that Howard had asked him to be on the show a number of times, as well as the time he did make an appearance on it. After John reported Don always asked him how “the fat kid” – referring to Artie – from the show was, Artie told him that Don called him last month following his interview on “Late Show with David Letterman” during which he discussed the time he and Don spent on the set of “Dirty Work,” but that he hadn’t heard back from Don since.

This led Howard to say he felt uncomfortable talking to celebrities at social functions, although he did acknowledge he went out with Steve Martin twice and went to dinner with Billy Joel a number of times as well.

John’s publicist came into the studio and admitted she told all her friends she was working with John, although she added she referred to him as “Uncle Jess” when she told them. As John’s publicist talked about her boyfriend and college, Artie asked everyone if she “had teeth,” which Howard pointed out meant he couldn’t stop looking at her chest.

Because John had other interviews this morning, he had to leave, and Howard wished him luck with “ER.” John responded by thanking Howard, and pointed out that he didn’t get himself into any trouble during today’s interview.

Nick and Aaron Carter were Howard’s next guests, and Nick said they lived together, and, along with their three sisters, have filmed a reality show, “The House of Carters,” for E!. Nick noted he got into the Backstreet Boys because his mom was insistent that he become famous, and admitted he had mixed feelings about her actions. Nick went on to say he had money, but not as much as he thought he should’ve earned. Although Nick said he wasn’t going to “cry over spilled milk” in regard to his finances, Howard told him he had the right to be upset over it, noting how hard it was to make it in show business in the first place. Aaron added he had the same problem, mentioning there was some money missing from his bank account as well, but Howard replied he’d get to him in a minute.

Nick acknowledged he had sex with Paris Hilton, and called getting her “a conquest.” Nick also recalled how Howard was able to “get under Paris’ skin,” explaining that, while they were together, she was very nervous the morning he interviewed Rick Solomon, her former boyfriend who was her “co-star” in their infamous sex tape. Nick then said Paris accused him of physical violence toward her, but he denied the allegation, and mentioned she never pressed charges against him for the supposed incident.

Nick next claimed he lost his virginity when he was 15, and that his partner was the teacher, Debbie LaFave, who made the news earlier this month for having sex with one of her students...although she was his classmate and not his teacher at the time. Nick then got back to Paris, who he met at a club in Los Angeles. Nick added he and Paris made out in his car that night, but that he was able to resist having sex with her for two weeks as a way to seem more desirable to her. However, Nick said he gave in to Paris when they went to the Bahamas, and that he was hurt when she broke up with him.

Nick also claimed he had sex with Willa Ford, and ranked Debbie LaFave as his best sexual experience, while explaining the other good partners he had were women who weren’t famous. Nick then said he had the chance to be with both Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson as well, but that he turned them down because he was dating Willa at the time.

Howard started his discussion with Aaron asking him why Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff were fighting over him last year. Aaron replied that he didn’t have sex with Lindsay, because he was a little “scared” of her past, and that Hilary was his “true love.” Nick then noted he thought Lindsay was “more down to earth” than other Hollywood girls, and Howard agreed, and pointed to her troubled relationship with her father as one of the reasons he felt she sometimes behaved wildly.

Aaron mentioned that, contrary to reports, he hasn’t divorced his mother, although he acknowledged he thought she stole money from him. In fact, Aaron said he visited his mom on Mother’s Day, but admitted it was “awkward” seeing her in a private setting, explaining she used to be his manager, and that their time together was therefore more business-like than personal. Nick then commented that he had a hard time speaking to his mom, because he felt she sometimes had ulterior motives when she contacted him.

Howard brought up the fact that Aaron was befriended by Michael Jackson when he was younger, which he replied that was true, and that they met through a musician named Rodney Jenkins. Aaron went on to insist Michael never acted inappropriately toward him, and that, although he felt Michael lived “a weird life,” he never suggested that he sleep over. Gary then read an article that Bruce Willis supposedly bought Aaron “over a million dollars worth of gifts,” but he denied that story as well, even though he acknowledged he knew Bruce and was friends with his children.

Robin brought up that Aaron recently proposed to a Playboy Playmate who Nick used to date, but that he broke off the engagement shortly thereafter. Nick responded the woman had gotten in touch with him long after their relationship was over, but thought it was only because of “House of Carters.” Nick added, a week later, he discovered the woman was engaged to Aaron, who admitted his involvement with her was “a mistake.”

Before Aaron and Nick left, Howard asked them to come back when they had more time, largely so they could discuss Michael Jackson in more detail.

Bruce Hornsby stopped by, and admitted feeling as though he may have “sold out” because he sold his song, “Gonna Be Some Changes Made,” to Lowe’s. However, Howard replied that he figured artists have to resort to selling their songs in order to get their music out there these days, and Bruce acknowledged the statement was true. Bruce went on to say he used to prank call Jerry Garcia, his friend and former touring partner, but that he didn’t tape any of the calls. Bruce also reported he received a scholarship to play basketball at a college, but, because he wanted to focus on the piano, he turned down the offer.

After Bruce discussed the first record contract he signed with Huey Lewis’ record label, he said he has been married for 23 years, and that he is a Christian Scientist. Bruce then played a piano-only version of “That’s the Way It Is,” which led to a round of applause.

When Howard asked if he improvised on the piano during his performance, he acknowledged he was “winging” the piano portion of the song. Bruce then recalled he wrote the song in 1985, and that it was inspired by his growing up in “a small, Southern town” whose citizens weren’t always tolerant toward different types of people.

Bruce added Sean Hannity used to play the song as an intro to his radio show, and that he never challenged it because he didn’t want to become Sean’s “whipping boy,” even though he didn’t agree with him politically.

Howard next played “Gonna Be Some Changes Made,” and acknowledged it made him want to “buy something from Lowe’s.”

Before Red Peters entered the studio, Robin pointed out she was amazed that Howard had been able to get to all his guests this morning. Red then came in and said he had a new song, “When I Jerk Off, I Think Of You,” which he described as “a love song” that was “very romantic.” Red also explained he wrote the song as a way to describe men’s masturbatory thought processes to women, noting most women assume their partners pleasure themselves to only them.

After playing the song, Howard told Red he was “some piece of work,” and Artie noted he thought the song was funny as well. Howard then took a number of calls, including one from a man who asked Red if he was inspired by Frank Zappa. Although Red replied that he wasn’t inspired by Frank, he added he once opened up for Frank in Boston, which led Robin to point out the two of them were “temporaries.”

Ralph also called in and suggested Gary wasn’t doing a good job because he booked too many guests today. Despite this, Gary told Ralph he couldn’t reschedule any of the guests before telling him his criticisms would’ve been more meaningful if he’d accomplished anything with his own life.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in with this week’s edition of The Gossip Game. According to the game’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then guesses which story is fake. Here are the stories Mike read this morning:

(1) Scarlett Johansson gets her feet bathed in chocolate

(2) Rene Zellweger vomited after riding a roller coaster

(3) Owen Wilson was approached by a neighborhood patrol for playing a song for Kate Hudson too loudly

(4) Police thought a homeless man had broken into and was sleeping in the back of Calista Flockheart’s SUV, but it turned out to be Harrison Ford

While Red, Robin and Artie all picked the Owen Wilson story as the imposter, Fred and Howard chose the fourth story. Mike then revealed no one was correct, because the Scarlett Johansson story was actually the made-up one.

During Robin’s news, Howard played clips from yesterday’s “The Wrap Up Show,” which featured JD’s dad, Jack, calling into the program. In the call, Jack told JD that he couldn’t believe he was socializing with porn stars...and not having sex with them.

compiled by Kerry Picket

• Terrell Owens held a news conference denying he tried to kill himself.

• Jessica Simpson’s father is upset with Bam Margera for alleging he had sex with his daughter.

• A woman was made to go into a bathroom to breastfeed her child in public.

• One student was killed during a school-shooting yesterday in Colorado.

• A man who murdered a woman called 911 to report the crime.

• Experts have released a list of ways to avoid getting the flu.

• The pope is trying to apologize to Muslims for remarks he made earlier in the month.

• Some soldiers are having their stays in Iraq extended.

• Certain liquids are now being allowed on airplanes.

• George Pataki is considering running for president in 2008.

• “Ugly Betty” debuts tonight on ABC.