Richard Christy Cuts Up His Chiefs Jersey and Agrees to a New, Disgusting Punishment for His Hat

Richard Christy’s faaaavorite piece of football memorabilia will soon suffer a fate worse than death.

The Cincinnati Bengals recently shocked the world by upsetting the Kansas City Chiefs in the A.F.C. Championship. Staffers JD Harmeyer and Richard memorably wagered on the game, with JD—a lifelong Cincinnati fan—volunteering to show off his manhood if he lost and Richard—a Kansas native—agreeing to burn his Chiefs gear if JD won. Naturally, the Bengals’ improbable victory left JD elated. In a clip played on the air Monday morning, the staffer laughed, cried, and repeatedly yelled “My dick is safe!”

But it was the worst possible outcome for Richard, who not only saw his team defeated in excruciating fashion but was now also tasked with setting fire to his gear. Howard wasn’t sure it would be safe for Richard to start a fire in his own home, however, so he and the staff entertained alternate options. Several ideas were discussed, from marinating Richard’s gear in urine to cutting it up to make a “Kansas City Sucks” flag, but JD ultimately settled on something much, much worse. He had Richard cut up his jersey with electric fabric shears and asked Sal Governale, Gary Dell’Abate, Jason Kaplan, Chris Wilding, and Benjy Bronk to ejaculate into Richard’s beloved hat.

Sal was the one who first presented the idea. “I am willing to jerk off inside Richard’s hat over the course of the week, every day,” he said. “I’ll mail it back to Richard, and then he has to wear the hat for the entire show.”

“I’ll do that,” said Richard, who admitted he’d pretty much do anything to keep the hat.

“I think it’s the funniest idea in the world,” Gary said before anteing up some ejaculate of his own.

One by one, the other staffers agreed to join in. “It’s like musical chairs, but with loads,” Sal beamed.

Robin was nervous about involving Benjy, who she envisioned somehow losing the hat. Howard saw her point. “I’ll include you, but I’m telling you you’re fired if you lose the hat,” he told Benjy.

“I understand and I’m proud to be part of it,” Benjy said, vowing not to let anything bad happen to it.

Richard ultimately agreed to unbox the semen-covered hat live on the air, place it directly on his head, and never wash it. “Imagine I go to Arrowhead [stadium] next season for a game and I’m wearing this hat,” he laughed. “Are they going to let me in?”

Either way, Richard faced a more pressing dilemma Monday morning. He needed to dice up his favorite Chiefs jersey into tiny pieces.

“Come on, Jizz Boy,” Sal told him.

“I hate this, JD, you asshole,” Richard said as he turned on the electric shears and began cutting. “It’s in tatters now. This is horrible,” he said after finishing.

“I love it. You know, it’s great. Sorry, buddy,” JD said before encouraging his colleagues to stain every part of the hat.

“JD, you have just turned into an evil little fuck,” Richard concluded.