Greetings Mayor Ass Napkin Ed

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Legendary hygiene innovator Ass Napkin Ed – who famously inveted the ‘ass napkin’ to prevent any leakage from behind – called up this morning with some exciting news!

He wants to run for mayor of the unfortunate town of North Tonawanda!

Naturally, Ed is encountering some adversity as the town is not looking for him as their mayor. He actually got a letter from the local government thanking him but explaining that they were not interested in him as a candidate.

It’s sad for the people of North Tonawanda, because Ed outlined a policy that made some sense: He wants to cut government jobs, cut people’s pay checks and cut taxes.

As if that weren’t enough, he wants to open the Oval Office of North Tonawanda to the people. Who knew they had an oval office? (They don’t.)

‘I’m a man of the people,’ Ed proclaimed, ‘and I tell the incumbent to go f*ck himself!’

Like all good politicians, Ed decided to get right out in front of any scandals that may pop up to derail his campaign.

First, he masturbates and cums into jars of peanut butter and then proceeds to eat the peanut butter as if there’s no cum in it.

Second, he’s been known to make love to couches.

Third, he developed a rash in his ass because he cleaned it with a toothbrush.

And fourth, he’s on medication.

There you go, now he’s Teflon. Good luck, Ed!