Sal’s Got Christmas Beef

c/o Brad Hodges

Howard called Sal into the studio to address reports that he was boycotting all Simon Malls.

It turns out the chain of malls has replaced the majority of its annual Christmas decorations for more religion-neutral choices. Santa, for instance, is housed in some sort of an igloo. “I’m just disappointed by it — that’s all,” he explained.

The conversation then turned to Sal’s hatred of the homeless people of New York. He assured Howard that he feels for the “authentic” homeless people, but really hates the meth addicts. “These are con artists … If Jesus exists, come down and take a shit on these cocksuckers,” he fumed.

But He Loooooves Richard

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Sal also told Howard that he, Richard, and Memet can’t get the world-famous Justin Bieber parody “I’ll Suck Your Ween” out of their heads. “We can’t even get our work done,” he said.

So Richard gave Sal a new song by his faaavorite band Coheed and Cambria called “Atlas” and the guys in the back office say both Richard and Sal have been choking up about the song and getting super emotional.

The tune is about fatherhood and just really gets the two of them teary-eyed — despite the fact that Richard doesn’t even have any kids. “I think about Sal when I hear this,” he explained to Howard — about how much Sal loves his son. Soon it turned into a love fest between the two of them.

“Richard’s the definition of what life’s all about,” Sal gushed. “He just has such a big heart … He’s an amazing person.”

“The feeling’s mutual,” Richard lovingly replied.

They also revealed that Sal’s farts no longer offend Richard and Richard doesn’t allow Sal to eat doughnuts because he’s worried Sal will get heavy.